Poem for my love.

[dmnelson0351]

Girl, this is for you, this is for me
the life we live, and the tears we bleed
throughout all the drama and all the trouble
we've made it through every fight and we havent crumbled
I know we don't always see eye to eye
And I never mean to do you wrong, my intentions are right
I can't look in the mirror for all the times I've made you cry...
I'm trying my best to become a better man
The man I am, is a man I cannot stand
I promised you the world, and the world you will get
I know that several times I've made you severly upset.
But with every out, and every fight, we seem to come back together
and only see love in each others eyes
I've never been unfaithful, and not once was I ever truly ungrateful.
At times our relationship is unstable
But no one can break the legs to our table
Although this job takes me far away for more than several days
This distance will never get in the way
This love that I have for you,
this feeling that I feel
is the best, and is so unbelievably real.
So this I say to you, I love you, and I miss you.
This, girl, I give to you.
My heart, my soul, and everything I have.
I would die for you in a heartbeat, no questions asked.
I'll defend you with my life, and I will fight for you day and night.
Baby, I know our future is bright.

[dmnelson0351]

FB: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146622

[Sam.]

Seems personal. Rhyming could have been complex, better yet, I like it the way it is. I could flow trough it properly, not a problem. I think you should work on the structure thing, look around this section for pieces dropped by other members, you'll get the idea.

[dmnelson0351]

I'm trying to figure it out. I'll get it sooner or later. Thanks for the feedback.

[Eedee]

I agree with Sam. I could flow with this even without a beat. Rhymes were simple but then again it's a deep, personal piece, so rhymes CAN take a backseat on tracks like these.

"I'm trying my best to become a better man
The man I am, is a man I cannot stand"

I liked the wording on this part, it felt so right to say. However, I think you should've added a "that" after the "man" in the second bar. Here's what I mean:

"I'm trying my best to become a better man,
The man I am is a man that I cannot stand"

That flows better, IMO.

Anyway, good piece.

[dmnelson0351]

I see what your sayin, and I completely agree. Thanks for the advice. I wasn't really focusing on the complexity of the rhymes or anything like that. It was more just to get the point across. There is no beat that's supposed to go with it, its not rap.

[Eedee]

I see what your sayin, and I completely agree. Thanks for the advice. I wasn't really focusing on the complexity of the rhymes or anything like that. It was more just to get the point across. There is no beat that's supposed to go with it, its not rap.

Ah. I'm just so used to rapping stuff like that (structure wise). It could work though as a rap piece