Twisted Fate - Return of the flow.

[dmnelson0351]

Structure is a problem, I know. I don't quite understand it yet. But I'm working on it.

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Suddenly I'm starting to feel that old flow
That voice that used to take me over when I ripped it on the microphone
Sitting outside of your window, hopped up ready to make your wife a widow
I'm a twisted fucked sicko,
my brains been in limbo
Earlier today I robbed a man at gun point out of his limmo
Beat him to the ground till he was a inch from death
Took off his sweater vest, and said, "Yo, Im takin this"
Jumped in the driver seat, and put the bitch in drive
I forgot to move him to the side, rolled over his head
and out popped his eyes.
I didn't mean to kill the guy,
but he's probably better off dead
I found his cell phone and dialed up his fucking kids
I told them daddy aint commin home tonight
actually he won't be comming home for the rest of your fucking life
Last night I went and visted the ex
unannounced, I smashed through the door
and put a knife to her neck
I asked her how she wants to go about this
The choice is simple either you live or you die
suddenly her boyfriend came up and grabbed me
from behind.
I sighed, and then laughed, shoved the dagger
up his ass, turned to the ex and told her
now hes in the past. pulled out my gat
and asked her to take a seat,
she tried to turn and run,
but the stupid bitch forget she can't
outrun a bullet from a gun.

[Sam.]

Nice story telling, man.

I've said this a million time to everyone on here, I'll say it again.

Study poetry, it will teach you how to fit your thoughts properly in a bar, without flooding it with less/more syllables.

[Mr.DGAF]

I thought the first 2 or 4 lines weren't really necessary. Then the story starts. You did a pretty fair job in telling it, but the rhymes aren't all that impressive. I got the flow, but you're right, the structuring is a bit odd. And try and add more diversity to the rhymes. That'll be easier upon returning to writing more.

[Eedee]

I'd suggest writing to a beat. Go find a sick one on YouTube and write to it, make sure it flows. Hit the snares - you'll see it form by itself that way on the page when you're hitting those snares (or whatever is on the pattern). But for this piece, it reminded me of that scene in the new Spiderman where that dude tries to rob the car and Spidey is sitting in the back haha.

[dmnelson0351]

Thanks for the feedback, I'm haven't written for over four years now. Trying to get back into it. I appreciate all the help. I've been downloading some beats, and writing on a pad to it. Jumbled thoughts mostly right now. Trying out different styles, and complexities. I'll get to my prime sooner or later. Just give me some time to get back into the flow. Thanks again for the feed back guys.