Depression/Dark Days

[Wreck]

Link of Feed- viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146538


I awake from a cold sweat, my whole neck's
aching, not to mention shaking just like a coke head
I need a tune up, fuck, my mind's racing
got no time for patience, & today I read a sign saying
"Do you mind waiting?" while we jack up the cost of doctors' visits?
Cause I do, I'm off my rocker, listen, is that a job, or prison?
Emotionally drained, but I hopefully gained
a lesson, in that from now on I'm just smoking the pain
away, so stay away, these emotions are like prison bars
listen, life is more than just chicks & cars, understand that shit is hard
Thinking about: taking knives to my wrists, these wives are a bitch
these lies are a twist, but yet these cries are a bliss
Once you go home from work, home becomes work on it's own
Sometimes we as people are deserving of the throne, but are thrown like glass houses w/ stone
So we work hard, make a good living for our families & kids
But what about our insanity, is it, gravity that pulls us apart from joy & happiness?
Think about that the next time you overlook depression
it's not obsession, it's just aggression pent up, due to oppression.



Btw: I know on here some of the lines don't fit into one line, but when rapped in your head, it fits perfectly.

[Sam.]

Needs a beat to go with. I see the complexity in your rhyme scheme, the way the multis were placed in and out, it was fabulous. It's written with the intention to be recorded, I guess. I see that you experimenting with spilling syllables from the previous line on to the next, although it seems that you have done it with absolutely no problem, but that doesn't mean that you got away with. It did affect the flow drastically, like in the opening bars. Dope shit.

[Wreck]

Needs a beat to go with. I see the complexity in your rhyme scheme, the way the multis were placed in and out, it was fabulous. It's written with the intention to be recorded, I guess. I see that you experimenting with spilling syllables from the previous line on to the next, although it seems that you have done it with absolutely no problem, but that doesn't mean that you got away with. It did affect the flow drastically, like in the opening bars. Dope shit.

Agreed. & thanks man, I appreciate it. & yeah I found the rhyme scheme to be easier & a lot better when done that way, especially with real storytelling, deep shit like this. Thanks again.

[Mr.DGAF]

I liked this man. Like Sam said, you did a good job of wrapping the words around the bar without sacrificing the flow. It looks a bit weird on written stuff but to read it out loud, there's almost no problem. It was a good verse man, the flow and the multies are on point. I was kinda surprised, I think I've maybe read one of your pieces before? If not, sorry haha. There was one instance where you used "away" back to back in the same scheme, but I've got no big problems with that. They always preach creativity when it comes to this stuff but I've noticed that sometimes it works well in repeating a scheme for different reasons. But anyways, this was a good piece dude. I liked it.

[Wreck]

I liked this man. Like Sam said, you did a good job of wrapping the words around the bar without sacrificing the flow. It looks a bit weird on written stuff but to read it out loud, there's almost no problem. It was a good verse man, the flow and the multies are on point. I was kinda surprised, I think I've maybe read one of your pieces before? If not, sorry haha. There was one instance where you used "away" back to back in the same scheme, but I've got no big problems with that. They always preach creativity when it comes to this stuff but I've noticed that sometimes it works well in repeating a scheme for different reasons. But anyways, this was a good piece dude. I liked it.

Thanks for the feed & love man, appreciate it.

[Eedee]

Yeah, needs a beat, however I got the flow just fine.

I like the first two bars the most, the multis and the word choice really got my attention. The flow on those bars is outstanding, felt good to say out loud haha.

The "glass house w/ stones" line was a bit too long, but that'll come with practice; cleaning up bars, I mean.

[Wreck]

Yeah, needs a beat, however I got the flow just fine.

I like the first two bars the most, the multis and the word choice really got my attention. The flow on those bars is outstanding, felt good to say out loud haha.

The "glass house w/ stones" line was a bit too long, but that'll come with practice; cleaning up bars, I mean.

Thanks for the feed man.

[Doodlebug]

Link of Feed- viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146538

Think about that the next time you overlook depression
it's not obsession, it's just aggression pent up, due to oppression.

Your piece gives a good feel of the internal struggle but you know, sometimes we expect too much of ourselves and try to force-fit ourselves into the shape of others.

I like your writing.

[Wreck]

Link of Feed- viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146538

Think about that the next time you overlook depression
it's not obsession, it's just aggression pent up, due to oppression.

Your piece gives a good feel of the internal struggle but you know, sometimes we expect too much of ourselves and try to force-fit ourselves into the shape of others.

I like your writing.

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback, & compliment/support as well. New collab coming w/ me & Geno btw, it's gonna be big, as far as lyricism goes.