Figured I'd drop one.

[Gummybur]

Let me know what you think, I've been trying to improve a bit before dropping verses left and right.

Posting LOF in a few minutes.

I keep my self infinitely sustained, like I'm Mrs. Dracula when she menstruates.
Open the lyrical floodgates, fuck Louisiana, flood all 50 states.
Get pissed cause I spit a diss atchyou'.
No that wasn't a sneeze, I don't need a motherfuckin' tissue.
1, 2 skip a-, no, skip em' all, fuck you.
Quit your bitchin' get the fuck out the kitchen.
You need some fuckin' help?
Pull out the lucky charms and start the fuckin' wishin'.
Back up off the sink so I can motherfuckin' dish it.
So the doc told me to act sentimental,
I took it literal, sentamental thought straight into his temple.
Popped his brain straight like a clean shaven penis pimple.
You're so scared of this shit i'm spitting you crap your pants from a few disses.
Ask me for some towels like I'm Santa on Christmas
You completely emptied your bowels,
Quick feed your toilet, he's feeling the withdrawals.




LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146800&p=1940964#p1940964 You guys are so good haha.

[Mr.DGAF]

This was decent. The rhyming was okay, I thought it was gonna be crazy after the first two lines. That was a nice multie, though the Ms. Dracula punch is a bit played. The one detractor from this piece, for me, was the like 4 or 5 bars of ridiculous cursing. Its not that it bothers me as a word, fuck, I say fuck a lot. But the way you use it seems a bit off. It was like there was a fuck before every ending rhyme, but it didn't. Like amplify the rhymes any. Just my two cents though haha, keep at it.

[Gummybur]

This was decent. The rhyming was okay, I thought it was gonna be crazy after the first two lines. That was a nice multie, though the Ms. Dracula punch is a bit played. The one detractor from this piece, for me, was the like 4 or 5 bars of ridiculous cursing. Its not that it bothers me as a word, fuck, I say fuck a lot. But the way you use it seems a bit off. It was like there was a fuck before every ending rhyme, but it didn't. Like amplify the rhymes any. Just my two cents though haha, keep at it.

Played, meaning people use that? Shit....I don't know, I have a shit mouth though, you're right. Hahaha, I'll try to lay back on the cursing a bit. I'll make a quick edit later. Thanks dude!

[Mr.DGAF]

Haha, I've seen it earlier from this site at least. Was probably T-Rex honestly.

[Gummybur]

I'm kind of itching to find out now. I always called it my own, it's pretty much the kind of thing where you come up with something, and find out someone already did it. In this case, I must investigate. Thanks for letting me know!

[Mr.DGAF]

Hahaha oh shit, it was you! You dropped that line in a previous piece, something about Pokemon haha.

[Gummybur]

Yeah! I just found it, that was my first one on TR. Wow it was really bad compared to now... I'm gonna clean this piece up. After the 4 verses where I non stop cursed I sort of rushed it, you can probably tell, thanks for helping me solve this mystery!

[Eedee]

Hahaha oh shit, it was you! You dropped that line in a previous piece, something about Pokemon haha.

Anyway, I guess this isn't your first piece. It was simple, random and apparently just for shits and giggles concept wise. The lines where you curse before each rhyme, I could see Royce doing that trying to be funny. And Royce is funny sometimes, so that's a positive. DGAF is just a little soft pussy.

[Gummybur]

Hahaha oh shit, it was you! You dropped that line in a previous piece, something about Pokemon haha.

Anyway, I guess this isn't your first piece. It was simple, random and apparently just for shits and giggles concept wise. The lines where you curse before each rhyme, I could see Royce doing that trying to be funny. And Royce is funny sometimes, so that's a positive. DGAF is just a little soft pussy.

I feel like it's the best one I've put down so far. Even though you could see Royce doing it, and Royce is Em's bitch, who's bitch would you rather be?

Also, was thinking about just cutting down a few lines.

[Eedee]

Hahaha oh shit, it was you! You dropped that line in a previous piece, something about Pokemon haha.

Anyway, I guess this isn't your first piece. It was simple, random and apparently just for shits and giggles concept wise. The lines where you curse before each rhyme, I could see Royce doing that trying to be funny. And Royce is funny sometimes, so that's a positive. DGAF is just a little soft pussy.

I feel like it's the best one I've put down so far. Even though you could see Royce doing it, and Royce is Em's bitch, who's bitch would you rather be?

Also, was thinking about just cutting down a few lines.

Exactly. Rather be Em's bitch than say... Lil Wayne's bitch. You'd have to call him "Uncle".

[Brendanoooo]

In my opinion, you shouldn't try so hard with the metaphors, you should make them more discrete, but the rhyming was good, i liked the first line

[Gummybur]

Yeah I had a feeling I over did the metaphors. I've needed someone to say that, spit a flow and drop a couple of them here and there...cause those are usually the good stuff.

[dmnelson0351]

Pretty good. Enjoyed the comedy relief. I liked the metaphors, but I feel like it was like you were stacking one upon another and their was no break inbetween. You definetley have skill though. Keep it up. I look forward to reading more of your writings.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

this was nice man, I think you should tryt and structure it a little better, some lines are too long and too short. As people said the rhyming was okay. nice job man keep it up! practice makes perfect

[Gummybur]

Thanks everyone for the feed back! Finally feel like I'm progressing a little bit. Thanks again!