Mutual Teaching

[Slim Fiasco]

lof - viewtopic.php?f=24&t=148038

I feel inspired with the desire to write danger
Noble in spirit, I fight like a Dunedain ranger
Look at my eyes, my irises reflect reality
I affect lives through soul, you can’t infect my qualities
The world tries to take its toll on me but I prevail
Always staying strong, doing my best not to fail
And as I sail through my mind I find honesty
But honestly, I wouldn’t mind trading modesty
Give some to the rich so the poor can prosper
Give some to the snitch so he can keep his roster
Give some to the bitch so she can keep her heart
And maybe they’ll all see it doesn’t have to be so hard
Nobody is born smart you have to work on it
Make mistakes, get burned, and learn from it
I speak with the best intend, it’s never preaching
Expecting the same from you, this is mutual teaching

[Eedee]

This was nice. Very all over the place - in a good way.

I loved the Aragorn reference "Dunedain ranger"...

Rhymes were very simplistic but you had the content to make up for it, I think.

[EvryOnesACrtc]

I like it. Good message. You don't need great rhymes all the time, but it def helps. Work on this some more and turn it into a whole song. I think you're in the right direction with this topic, it just needs a better payoff. It kind of fell flat. Very smooth read, though, for me otherwise! Everything flowed nice. Sounded like poetry.

[Slim Fiasco]

Thanks a lot guys, I appreciate that.

@Eedee - I don't want to force mutlties so the rhyming part, I just try to add internal rhymes or alliteration whenever I can, and yeah multies as well, but I want them to come/feel natural. Or were you maybe referring to my choice of words i.e. the vocabulary? Either way, thanks for helping.

@Evry - Haha, yeah, I was going for that poetic feel tbh, I'm glad you noticed it. And I usually just want to write a verse according to the inspiration I have at the time. Like, I wasn't planning to write this, it just hit me from nowhere so I did it. I obviously work way harder on the lyrics on my own language, but English is just for fun.

[Eedee]

@Eedee - I don't want to force mutlties so the rhyming part, I just try to add internal rhymes or alliteration whenever I can, and yeah multies as well, but I want them to come/feel natural. Or were you maybe referring to my choice of words i.e. the vocabulary? Either way, thanks for helping.

The mark of a good writer is being able to say what you want whilst keeping a sick rhyme scheme going, IMO. I'm not saying you're a bad writer, I'm only saying rhymes should be a focus as well what you're trying to say.

[Slim Fiasco]

No worries bro, I get what you're saying. Thanks for the input! Advices are always welcome.

[alcatraz]

nice piece bro and love the message. simple rhyme scheme but solid by all means. You can tell this came from the heart, and as long as you continue to do that, you will never go wrong. just my opinion. keep practicing and the rhymes will come more naturally....my favorite lines:

And as I sail through my mind I find honesty
But honestly, I wouldn’t mind trading modesty
Give some to the rich so the poor can prosper
Give some to the snitch so he can keep his roster
Give some to the bitch so she can keep her heart
And maybe they’ll all see it doesn’t have to be so hard

[Slim Fiasco]

THanks bro I appreciate that! And is your username reference to the Crysis character? If so, then that's dope. Try to stick around the forum.

[Guess_Who]

This was good, Slim FI.

[Slim Fiasco]

This was good, Slim FI.

Thanksss

[ilovebender.com]

This seems like war music, to me.

[Slim Fiasco]

This seems like war music, to me.

I hope you like it though

[Atone]

this started out like a poem, or at east felt that way, which was actually cool tho

And as I sail through my mind I find honesty
But honestly, I wouldn’t mind trading modesty

i liked this part cuz it sounded nice with the way you put it

like i said this gave off a poetry vibe, spoken word, i see you have a mos def avi so i'm guess part of your inspiration comes from him, this was pretty nice

[Slim Fiasco]

Haha, yeah that might be the case because I draw inspiration from my favorite artist, but I think it's more that I was studying some poetry for college before I wrote that. But thanks anyway, I appreciate your feedback!

[Slim Fiasco]

Haha, it's all good bro, I think I have slept on some of your pieces myself, like forgetting to give feedback and stuff. And thanks for your opinion, it's much appreciated as always. I'll probably drop some more pieces soon.