When I Was (Track 5, 2418 EP)

[J.R.]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=148317

[Verse 1]
When I was a kid, my parents weren't violent at all
I'm lyin, I remember they threw my ps1 against a wall
my dad did it, from him I ran, fell than I crawled,
he yelled and screamed, thats when I saw,
a tall bath filled with blood, heard a scream
I was fucked, pinched myself, not a dream,
Run, leap down them stairs,
beep! in the kitchen, see a flair,
I look, a creature gives me a glare,
Another turns and gives me a stares
My heart burns, I leave..there's no people there.
Jump in my neighbors house,
he has a couple label's out,
everything is like a fable now..
I notice the ductape is out,
what is this, a rapist's house?

[Chorus]
Inside me, locked deep within,
open the sectors up, and you will find him
this is all a true story, where do i begin?
The demon is alive...it's inside my skin.

[Verse 2]
Search around, grab a knife and leave,
in the house was a guy, lying there to bleed,
carved in his chest, a hole was left, a note inside it reads,
"One day you'll be, just as fucked as me"
My luck surely doesn't disagree
agree? this evil is worse than I perceive
"breathe" I say to myself as I leave
"sissy, calm down, can't you relax, geez"
I sprint for what feels like days, stop,
dazed, everything becomes hazed then I drop,
"crazed, he is, running, I have him under lock"
I hear em' say, get up, jump the demon but he gets on top,
"hah, human, you'll die cause I'm better,
Welcome to your new life inside the locked sector."

[J.R.]

I didn't want to post this in the OP.

This is more basic rhyming/ but focusing on flow shit. The second verse has a few more rhymes but not really. I think this forum could use more flow and storytelling artists (yes like ye, fuck you guys) and I was goodish at it, I had room for improvement so I'm going to mix that in with my rhymes.

This is all just flow with some decent rhymes at the ends, up until verse two. And some hints towards the next track. enjoy!

[Eedee]

To be honest, if you're going for flow here, post a beat you wrote to... Because I can't pick up the flow at all. It's all over the place, the syllables are all weird.

So yeah, for a flow piece, not very good.

Needs a beat.

[EvryOnesACrtc]

It took me a few readings to find the flow, and I think I finally caught it. It's actually pretty good---the second verse especially. It's got a poetic feel to it, but with a rap rhyme scheme. It was a fun read. I think you should've delved more into your story though. It's sort of vague, but maybe that's what you were going for..?

This was my favorite part:

agree? this evil is worse than I perceive
"breathe" I say to myself as I leave
"sissy, calm down, can't you relax, geez"
I sprint for what feels like days, stop,
dazed, everything becomes hazed then I drop,
"crazed, he is, running, I have him under lock"
I hear em' say, get up, jump the demon but he gets on top,

[Enimee]

this verse was ok man, you had decent structure and lyrical content, but your scheme was ehhh.. in my opinion
you should have kept it serious bout your life and shit

either way decent read man good drop...

[Blu]

I look, a creature gives me a glare,
Another turns and gives me a stares

How does it give you a "stares"? I know you probably meant "stare" so I won't say anything about this.

My heart burns, I leave..there's no people there.

Whoa, wait a second man. Where are you leaving to? You were just talking about creatures staring at you, and now you're leaving? And where is "there"? Specifics man, specifics.

I notice the ductape is out,
what is this, a rapist's house?

What an odd twist of fate. At first you were describing how your father threw your PS1 at your wall, then how you found a bathtub full of blood - not to mention the creatures - but somehow you've stumbled upon a rapist's house? Doesn't really tie in that well man. Would have worked better if all these things had somehow tied in at one point.

Your whole second verse is just a big mindfuck. I understand very little of it. You apparently found some guy with a hole in his chest, then you started sprinting somewhere? You really need to specify what the hell is going on. And what does this have anything to do with your father or the creatures?

Very poor storytelling, the flow was all right though. Work on your storytelling, work on tying things together. Nothing makes a piece better than having a plot that flows nicely.

2/5.

[J.R.]

Okay