Does Loneliness Cause One to Feel Cold?

by **EvryOnesACrtc** » Mar 25th, '13, 05:24

I can't explain my love for transsexuals
but when I see a women with man's testicles,
comin' all the way from the land of Mexico,
it makes me wanna cram vegetables
up my asshole...yeah, so? Along with canned ethanol!
That's just so hot and delectable
impeccable, a damn rectum full
of carrots lowers my cholesterol!!
So eat up while I'm hiding in the closet
I lick bananas and bite into a sausage
then stick my fanny right into a faucet
turn on the nozzle, get excited--it's erotic!
especially when the flight attendant watches
until the sight just makes him nauseous
now, my heiny is exhausted, but why's it when I'm cautious
people tell me "just go be yourself",
Then, when I do I get thrown into jail?
maybe it's cuz I'm a chauvinist male

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=155729

by **SoldierShady** » Mar 25th, '13, 12:57

Cold weather makes one feel cold, durh.

by **EvryOnesACrtc** » Mar 25th, '13, 15:26

Wow. Did you even get past the title, you fuckin' imbecile.

by **SoldierShady** » Mar 25th, '13, 15:40

EvryOnesACrtc wrote:Wow. Did you even get past the title, you fuckin' imbecile.

Wow, do you know what sarcasm is? You fucking inane twat. :coffee:

by **Willy** » Mar 25th, '13, 18:22

Enjoyable read until:

people tell me "just go be yourself",
Then, when I do I get thrown into jail?
maybe it's cuz I'm a chauvinist male

Couldn't think of anything to rhyme with "Why's it when I'm cautious" ? :P

Some criticism:

Using 'just' is 99.9% of the time filler.. and it almost never serves a purpose besides evening a bar or stretching a multi. It's okay to do it if you really REALLY have to but realize you are adding a word that means nothing and is most likely detracting from the piece. It's less conversational and sounds forced. Also, it's cool to write these kind of silly verses but there isn't much depth. It reminds me of Bizarre with better rhyming, which is still problematic because you aren't challenging yourself with phrasings/concepts/etc.. you are just using his formula but rhyming better.

There are also some minor inconsistencies. You say you are 'hiding in the closet', but that doesn't make sense in context with the rest of the verse. 'Land of Mexico' is a syllable off, and it doesn't add anything except rhyme. There is no reason that a person from Mexico would make you want to cram vegetables up your anus any more than a person from Egypt, America, or any other place (besides Asia.. the men there are very feminine). It's a filler bar. Well, unless Mexico was a metaphor for the crotch, which has already been done by Rammstein in 'Sehnsucht'.

My biggest problem with the verse though is the random non-rhyming bar that should have ended the 'hiding in the closet' scheme. The listener is let down after all that buildup. I recommend switching rhyme schemes on the odd bar, otherwise it'll sound weird without well placed internals.

Overall though it was an entertaining piece, I recommend challenging yourself a little more by keeping consistency from line to line, making sure every word counts, and not sacrificing lyrics to rhyme.

by **EvryOnesACrtc** » Mar 25th, '13, 21:39

SoldierShady wrote:
EvryOnesACrtc wrote:Wow. Did you even get past the title, you fuckin' imbecile.

Wow, do you know what sarcasm is? You fucking Inane twat.

Leave actual feedback or gtfo

Willy wrote:There is no reason that a person from Mexico would make you want to cram vegetables up your anus any more than a person from Egypt, America, or any other place (besides Asia.. the men there are very feminine).

What do you know about my fetish? That's right, nothing.

by **CanadaPure** » Mar 25th, '13, 22:55

Are you my alt account, because your subject matter suggests that you might be a CP alt.

by **EvryOnesACrtc** » Mar 27th, '13, 19:59

CanadaPure wrote:Are you my alt account, because your subject matter suggests that you might be a CP alt.

This is the worst rap I've ever posted and you're saying it could be your alt account? :laughing:

by **CanadaPure** » Mar 27th, '13, 20:00

EvryOnesACrtc wrote:
CanadaPure wrote:Are you my alt account, because your subject matter suggests that you might be a CP alt.

This is the worst rap I've ever posted and you're saying it could be your alt account?

It's obviously a clever trick by me to make people think I've fallen off so I can come back and hit them hard.

:laughing:

by **EvryOnesACrtc** » Mar 27th, '13, 21:32

I got 99 posts, but a bitch ain't one!..shit, now it's at 100.

by **Spyder** » Apr 15th, '13, 04:11

your link of feed consists of

"can you list people?, your rhyming was great"

"must we make it hard for our readers."

this is not feed, please make a real attempt to help other members in their writing and i will unlock this

Does Loneliness Cause One to Feel Cold?

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