Short verse..

[Flamez]

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=165481
Haven’t written anything in a while so here goes nothing…

I’m coming packed with evil thoughts the fire inside is burning
vision is blurring but today the wheels have started turning
purging myself from these demons cleansing my dark soul
a new life unfolds it’s my own destiny I embark to control
a new goal to reach, to succeed must work hard and believe
leave behind old habits with no fear and start to achieve
be free and unleash my true potential like never before
reform my identity, it’s like a whole new world to explore
my own faith has been restored inside me I feel different
my sentence of imprisonment is over no longer belligerent
no longer ignorant with false hope too long I’ve suffocated
on my own lies liberated my own mind feeling rejuvenated
it’s time for a celebration pop the cork off the champagne
I must contain my emotions but it’s a feeling I can’t explain
I must maintain focus move forward and never look back
To my self made maniac I’m on a new path on the right track

Feedback appreciated.

[bastag]

I'm not gonna front, I'm not a fan of these types of verses because most of the time they feel like they've been written in a rush with no real thought behind them, people just seem to want to get their feelings off their chest. My feedback would be to try and not be cliche'd with some of the lines "the fire is burning inside" or "demons cleansing my dark soul". It's shit we've all heard a million times. Some artists are honest without cliche and they really shine through, artists like Jay Electronica for example. Try take notes from that. With honesty, imo, should come some form of poetry or revelation.

[Eedee]

I think I got the flow pretty easily, I liked the content. I'd say just work on making your rhymes more unique (dark soul / embark to control feels a little elementary tbh)

[Flamez]

Thanks man and yeah I gotta work on not making it too elementaryish haha

[Eedee]

Thanks man and yeah I gotta work on not making it too elementaryish haha

You gotta graduate sometime mane.