just waking up (today was a silver day)

by **Just Silver** » Apr 26th, '14, 13:05

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=171015

Just waking up in the mornin gotta thank pot
Joints to blow and my foreheads a little hot
No meowing from the cats runnin laps
Blanket as a door with all tacks
I didn't slump nah I got my head right
Popped a fuckin perk that I picked up last night
Pickin up this paper tryna make a flow
Hoping I reach feed by age of 24
I gotta go cause I got me a new piece
And if I post the bump I can have some new..feed
Had to stop at the last line tried so hard no member in sight
But everything is alright .. I gotta couple ideas I can even bump twice
Why the hate is what I'm asking yall
Doin drugs complaining or playing basketball
Get on TR and im trouble ,audio into lyndons maybe got a little stutter
Bald faggot mad cause I gotta bj
I gotta say today was a good day...
Just gettin home took a shower ,head n shoulders
So my head has no powder ,just last week it was naaasty
Scratched my scalp dead skin in the backseat
Time to roll one up but never learned to
Lost ice cubes flow so fuck it I'll burn two
Burn one two into the three
Smoke so much trees I'm like fuck an oh zee
I'm an OG since sixteen scribbling sixteens
Even before all the smoking and drinking bong lifting
Songs used to be uplifting now it's frowns when you're listening
But let's turn it around and get busy take a shot of future with some history

by **Satan** » Apr 27th, '14, 01:53

I'm so confused

by **Just Silver** » Apr 27th, '14, 01:54

Satan wrote:I'm so confused

It's my version of today was a good day by ice cube

by **Satan** » Apr 27th, '14, 01:58

Just Silver wrote:
Satan wrote:I'm so confused

It's my version of today was a good day by ice cube

You gotta capitalize your words and use punctuation when you're writing. I don't GAF when you're talking, but it's just a pain to read when it's written in that style in a rap

by **Just Silver** » Apr 27th, '14, 02:00

I capitalized each beginning line I'll try from now on to use more commas for flows

by **Just Silver** » Apr 27th, '14, 12:02

by **mdemaz** » Apr 27th, '14, 12:30

Alright, I'm gonna be real and feed this peice properly and perhaps educate you a little bit.

Just Silver wrote:Just waking up in the mornin gotta thank pot
Joints to blow and my foreheads a little hot

Not many rhymes here...

Just Silver wrote:No meowing from the cats runnin laps
Blanket as a door with all tacks

What?

Just Silver wrote:I didn't slump nah I got my head right
Popped a fuckin perk that I picked up last night

Again, lack of rhymes.

Just Silver wrote:Pickin up this paper tryna make a flow
Hoping I reach feed by age of 24

Ugh, just bad taste, dude.

Just Silver wrote:I gotta go cause I got me a new piece
And if I post the bump I can have some new..feed

Eh, pretty nice punchline.

Just Silver wrote:Had to stop at the last line tried so hard no member in sight
But everything is alright .. I gotta couple ideas I can even bump twice

Huh?

Just Silver wrote:Why the hate is what I'm asking yall
Doin drugs complaining or playing basketball

Do you even play basketball?

Just Silver wrote:Get on TR and im trouble ,audio into lyndons maybe got a little stutter

This doesn't even rhyme that well.

Just Silver wrote:Bald faggot mad cause I gotta bj
I gotta say today was a good day...

I have no comment.

Just Silver wrote:Just gettin home took a shower ,head n shoulders
So my head has no powder ,just last week it was naaasty

Shoulders and nasty don't rhyme.

Just Silver wrote:Scratched my scalp dead skin in the backseat
Time to roll one up but never learned to

This is just all jumbled up. The thing is with rhymes scheme is that they need to be consistent. This is just really chaotic and confusing to the reader.

Just Silver wrote:Lost ice cubes flow so fuck it I'll burn two
Burn one two into the three
Smoke so much trees I'm like fuck an oh zee
I'm an OG since sixteen scribbling sixteens

The flow is not the only thing you've lost. You've lost a consistent rhyme scheme, and your vocabulary you are using is really vague. It doesn't look like this piece would sound good if anybody rapped it.

Just Silver wrote:Even before all the smoking and drinking bong lifting
Songs used to be uplifting now it's frowns when you're listening
But let's turn it around and get busy take a shot of future with some history

You don't even end with 4 bars...

I'm sorry bro; this is god-awful.

You need to stop for a minute now and have a think. Either stop writing shitty pieces, or write some decent stuff. I've seen you write good stuff, man. I'm sick of this stupid shit.

I love you, brother; but, you gotta get your shit together.

Peace out.

by **Just Silver** » Apr 27th, '14, 12:37

That was a little harsh for no reason lol

I understand the parts u highlighted were my weak points but this was just something different I tried

I feel it's decent until the ending but it's whatever onto the next piece after this like you said I've written good stuff before

by **mdemaz** » Apr 27th, '14, 12:39

Nah, s'all good, bro. I'm just having a go at you.

You were probably high while writing it. :laughing:

by **Just Silver** » Apr 27th, '14, 12:43

mdemaz wrote:Nah, s'all good, bro. I'm just having a go at you.

You were probably high while writing it.

Lol I was very much so

But the head n shoulders parts was imitating cubes flow

The blanket with tacks is what I use as a door since I don't have adoor lol
Usually the cats meow and run around the house

Looking back if you didn't know it was a parody it'd be pretty awful

by **Just Silver** » Apr 27th, '14, 12:59

Lol now that I realized barely anyone knows what I'm saying I'm embarrassed lol

Still it was fun

by **mdemaz** » Apr 27th, '14, 13:03

Alright, get writing that new piece and make it a good piece.

by **Just Silver** » Apr 27th, '14, 13:06

mdemaz wrote:Alright, get writing that new piece and make it a good piece.

Will do soon now with this discouragement I have writers block lol

But I should be back later today

by **mdemaz** » Apr 27th, '14, 13:13

What's there to be discouraged about? You should feel informed now. Realizing your faults is the key to becoming super dope. It happened to me, Eedee, Dilz, Redzek and much more. Once you are aware what needs to be done, you'll be dropping pieces rappers will be dying to grab off of you. People may be making fun of you now, but, you gotta rise above that and stand up and be a man. Get off the drugs, sit down, write something really nice, get respect, get noticed, enjoy life and stop making yourself a target and make other people targets.

In this world, it's the survival of the fittest. The weak fade away, while the strong burn on.

by **Just Silver** » Apr 27th, '14, 13:18

mdemaz wrote:What's there to be discouraged about? You should feel informed now. Realizing your faults is the key to becoming super dope. It happened to me, Eedee, Dilz, Redzek and much more. Once you are aware what needs to be done, you'll be dropping pieces rappers will be dying to grab off of you. People may be making fun of you now, but, you gotta rise above that and stand up and be a man. Get off the drugs, sit down, write something really nice, get respect, get noticed, enjoy life and stop making yourself a target and make other people targets.

In this world, it's the survival of the fittest. The weak fade away, while the strong burn on.

Good point guy but to be honest I write the best when I'm at least smoking weed

But that's not the main point I'll try to put out better shit

U should check my last piece I liked that one lol

just waking up (today was a silver day)

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