The first fuck

[nickolas_warner]

Not quite finished but I guess I'll post to see what people think.
Basically about me losing my virginity and it being nasty and messed up. Lame topic but I think it gives you a good idea of how things went.


This little girl
Lust filled her, her eyes were smoldering
Little did I know ultimately performing adultery
It was sick and disgusting.
Fumbling, thrusting on stained upholstery
Floor covered in mold you see everything was out of place
The room reeked of burning sage
To cover up the odor of rotting food on top of which she was holding me
In the background was a skipping eighties eight track
Along with her crazy aunt
Screaming at her daughter while her mom asked for water
She just laid back with a nervous smirk unbuttoning her pants
Throwing a pair of blood stained panties into a pile behind the trash
“fucking sick” I thought as I held my stomach
I could barely hold my lunch in
Once in she cried
Definitely not a virgin but I could tell she was hurtin’ in these eyes
I don’t think she really wanted to
But her priority was to impress me and she said, “sex me”
Like that’s not what I’m thinking when a girl is under you
I wouldn’t use pretty as a word to describe her
In fact there was a letdown once I was inside her
In total it didn’t last for more than five or six minutes
Neither of us finished, no cigarettes or fireworks
And after we awkwardly finished her aunt asked for my sloppy seconds
Holding my intestines I pretended to be sick and acted like an ass to give off the wrong impression


thats all I have so far, but I'm working on more. Tell me what you think? Also just saying we were both of legal age.

[Dark Blue]

hahahahahaha moreeeeeeeee

[gutawafang]

Descriptive with pretty good vocabulary man. Structure is not good. but the concept it damn good and it can hook its readers. not bad man.

[nickolas_warner]

Haha, Thanks! Any way to improve song structure?
I guess the way its flowing in my head is not the same as it's read if that makes any sense.
I'm still working on it though.

Edit* just reading that again makes me realize how fucked up that relationship was. Phew am I glad thats over.

[gutawafang]

Haha, Thanks! Any way to improve song structure?
I guess the way its flowing in my head is not the same as it's read if that makes any sense.
I'm still working on it though.

Edit* just reading that again makes me realize how fucked up that relationship was. Phew am I glad thats over.

word.

yeah, good structure don't necessarily help in flow because it's text. people usually rap differently so it helps in making the reader hooked.

man, I got a good way to explain what structure is.

imagine a building. and it's structured like this:

........................................
...........
........................
..........................
............
....................................
...............................................
..................
.........................................
...............
..................................

^Doesn't it look unstable?

So you want the building something like this:

.............................
...............................
..............................
...............................
............................
...............................
.............................

^see? it's balanced.