Element - Life With Rap

[Element.]

Basicly im just tryin' out little thing's here and there from now on to try and find my style and see what im best at.

something i will be workin on will have multi's every 4 lines.

Put through so much pain, it's too much to explain
Changing ways to make life better, it's making the body strain
vocab in the brain, to much overload headach feels hard like rain
feel so run-down, cant go anywhere without a fuckin' frown
doing nothin' and bein' depressed with'a gap, blazin' and vent with obsessed creative rap
daily in the same spot suggest of'the insane?, pen and pad away compressed book slane
my hearts confessed, rhymes been put out to the world and survived the test
studio time, good to invest going somewhere i can try my best
my styles been hidden and being blessed, but firstly i need to climb above the rest
You'll listen to my music and shout the lyrics and rave, be under mindcontrol your a personal slave
Do anything like, dance for attention, it couldnt effect me as your, chance build's on tention
bein' a last glance go home and make a line invention, take you out for romance and eat of my pension.

Still workin' on this and i will be adding as much as i can when i have time untill then feed on what i have.

[GoodGirlsGetGutted]

You tend to use awkward vocabulary and and word ordering.

Put threw so much pain, big ammount to explain,
changin way's makin life better will make my body strain

You're cramming unneccesary syllables in there.
I'd do it more like this:

Put through so much pain, it's too much to explain
Changing ways to make life better, it's making the body strain

A big thing I see a lot of people struggle with is continuity with the context of words.

Like saying "will make the body strain" after a comma induced pause... it's unrealistic. No one says that in real life.
There's a fine line between writing like a preteen texter and writing like Yoda. The trick is to find just the right mddle ground to compose in.

I'd recommend that you get extremely meticulous, line by line by line. Don't move on to the next until the one you're working on has complete coherance.

It takes longer, but it's worth it.

[Element.]

yeh i get what ya mean, thanks for the feed and i will work on it.

[Element.]

bump..

[Element.]

Cheers and i need to sort out the structure now and shorten it

[shadyfreakzul]

yeah i agree on what 4g said..good to see you've improved a lot.good drop bro

[Yah-hah]

Basicly im just tryin' out little thing's here and there from now on to try and find my style and see what im best at.

something i will be workin on will have multi's every 4 lines.

Put through so much pain, it's too much to explain
Changing ways to make life better, it's making the body strain
vocab in the brain, to much overload headach feels hard like rain
feel so run-down, cant go anywhere without a fuckin' frown
doing nothin' and bein' depressed with'a gap, blazin' and vent with obsessed creative rap
daily in the same spot suggest of'the insane?, pen and pad away compressed book slane
my hearts confessed, rhymes been put out to the world and survived the test
studio time, good to invest going somewhere i can try my best
my styles been hidden and being blessed, but firstly i need to climb above the rest
You'll listen to my music and shout the lyrics and rave, be under mindcontrol your a personal slave
The push of a button you'll be danceing drunk on my grave, dig me up feel the funk and shave

Still workin' on this and i will be adding as much as i can when i have time untill then feed on what i have.

I saw a few mulis in there. I'll show you what I mean.

my hearts confessed, rhymes been put out to the world and survived the test
studio time, good to invest going somewhere i can try my best
This on works for survived the test/try my best

But when you say something like body strain/voacb in the brain/hard like rain/too much too explain It kinda gets off multi wise

Let's go with hard like rain. You could say,
_____________________________________________ hard like rain,
_________________________________________so much vocab that it scarred the brain,
__________________________________Stutter the second I start to exlpain,

See where not only rain brain explain rhyme, but the words in front of it do also. Good luck finding your style though homie

[Element.]

Yeah man cheers shadyfreakzul and Yah-Hah for the feed

[X'ed Up]

What 4G said is 100% correct. More multis here and there. And you gotta also make the lines a little shorter because those lines are unrapable on a beat.

Getting better

[Element.]

What 4G said is 100% correct. More multis here and there. And you gotta also make the lines a little shorter because those lines are unrapable on a beat.

Getting better

Thanks for the feed, This is only a little test thing so i will re-make it at one point.


EDIT:
Ok i'm now stopping this rap and then starting again basicly the same lyrics but in a diffrent way and sort out the flow and structure and how im rappin it, so this is where i pick a diffrent sort of style.