Fa-Q - Planned Obsolescence

[Fa-Q]

See, you guys are greyhounds, but your barks forced,
I race to win, because I'm the mafuckin dark horse,
This fire's within me, I just have to find my spark's source,
You ask, why do I do this, to make my mark of course,
Sometimes I sit and listen to my monotonous heart beat,
Its so hard to speak, so I watch my pen start to leak,
I feel dreams and nightmares, bearing down on me,
Peaceful, never, for tonight I'm stairing down Gandhi,
Peaceful talks, I will never speak, my white flag's gone,
For I know the day passes, the long night drag's on,
Nights of writing rights or, in the brightening lights,
Darkness shrouds my notepad, until lightening strikes,
I'm a leashed pit bull, and my owner's tightening spikes,
All of your strength is geared towards splitting hairs,
And fitting glairs in your everyday routine, my new fiend,
Walk in the room, smiling and all I'm getting's stairs,

Beauty in the eyes of the beholder,
I'll forget you, as I grow older,
I'll never expire, forgetting your planned obsolescence,
I'll present the future, while the rest of you are past tense,

I have to be conceited, for I am more than hard headed,
I am fighting for my bruises, seeing each scar embedded,
And as I see the trash in the gutter, the litter in the street,
It hurts at first, for you see, its so bitter and then sweet,
Follow the block to the end, never a quitter in defeat,
My cocoon broken, renewed wings are spread in their entirety,
For I know that the graves ready, I'm dead if the fire in me,
Dies being drowned in its own iniquity, its sinful nature pinned,
Breakin mirrors, forsaken fears, these walls are paper thin,
My screams of anguish echo off the wooden hard floor,
I'm showing I'm scarred more, a soldier that guards war,
The innocent neighbors scared, they hear me screaming,
They keep me up at night, they fear me dreaming,
They keep souls, captured stairing through peep holes,
Like fish swimming endlessly, caught in deep bowls,
They heap coals, on the shameful heads of sinners,
Second place follows the steps, then treads on winners,

Beauty in the eyes of the beholder,
I'll forget you, as I grow older,
I'll never expire, forgetting your planned obsolescence,
I'll present the future, while the rest of you are past tense,

You probably think I'm just a fucking waste of a birth,
And would want me wiped clean off the face of the earth,
You guys probably have a booby trap to catch lost souls,
A slick road, paved with ice, your hoping the frost holds,
Then hope there's not a heaven or hell, that the cross folds,
But your sadly mistaken, my sin had me kiss Satan,
I bet yall want to go out, disappearing in a cloud of smoke,
But I'm above the clouds, for I'm way to proud to choke,
You bloodsuckers want my veins drier than bone dry,
I refuse to let you, these forty eight bars have shown why,
And if you're my Savior from hell, then banish me back,
I leave this desolate world, like its a vanishing act,
I refuse to be a headstone, reduced the blood stains,
I won't have my will written, what the mud claims,
I'll be the coffin waiting anxious, for the flood rains,
Never be lost in a maze, but I'm turning your frost to a blaze,

[Fa-Q]

Bump

[Fa-Q]

Drowned out by disses...damnit

[GoodGirlsGetGutted]

No, I don't have a booby trap to catch lost souls.
I wish I had one, I'd be a Ghostbuster.

The multiples were pretty insane as always, but your internal rhymes can be rather underwhelming. You tend to save it all for the end of each bar.
I'd like to see you get more creative with your rhyme patterns.
Your content is never a problem.

[Fa-Q]

Hey thanks GGGG but can I get on thing straight. Byu internal rhymes you mean:

.....A,A...BC
.....D,D...BC
.....A,A...EF
.....D,D...EF


Like that, with rhyme repeats within the bar...because I did that a little but obviously not enough

[GoodGirlsGetGutted]

No, I mean making the beginning and middle of each of your lines flow as much as the end.

[Fa-Q]

No, I mean making the beginning and middle of each of your lines flow as much as the end.

How would I do that?

[GoodGirlsGetGutted]

No, I mean making the beginning and middle of each of your lines flow as much as the end.

How would I do that?

Learn the ancient art of pentameter.
The rest is up to you.

[Fa-Q]

Damn, that line sounded like you were a Zen master and I'm his inexperienced student...shit I'll try

[GoodGirlsGetGutted]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_pentameter
Study up.
If you can master this shit, you'll find your writing technique rocketing to Godlike proportions.

[Fa-Q]

So its like two syllables 3 times and then a three syllable word? That's how I understood...just a quick read though, I'll do a more thorough look later

[GoodGirlsGetGutted]

No, it's alternating strong syllables and weak syllables. It has nothing to do with the number of syllables.

[Fa-Q]

No, it's alternating strong syllables and weak syllables. It has nothing to do with the number of syllables.

Oooh, ok so like how I say greyhounds...I say GREYhounds...but...hmmm I guess I don't know when to place them...I'm not writing poetry either

[Tash8]

You probably think I'm just a fucking waste of a birth,
Probably want me wiped clean off the face of the earth

I love those two lines, almost felt like u were having a conversation with someone...but i think rewording it to like thsi would be sicker

You probably think I'm just a fucking waste of a birth,
and also want me wiped clean off the face of the earth

that way it's not too repetitive...but just my taste

anyways i enjoyed reading it..god job

[Fa-Q]

Thanbks Tash...yea I took that line from an abandoned song called "You Probably" and it was a lot more repetitive than that...but I'll change it now, that's some good critisism I've needed, thanks for checkin