Our Garden

[magic12ernie]

My first real stab at a rhyme, any input appreciated.

True princess and the pea, she just has a way with things
queen of words and music, thief of love with wings
stole and played my heartstrings, my wide-eyed girl
I pray she steals my journal and defines my world
fine as diamonds, pearls, and damn near as lustrous
lost in a jewelry box of dreams, scenes of just us
bubble bust, I cussed, 'What must I do to achieve
a gleaming garden, it's hard when in a field full of weeds'
so I plant more seeds, hoping she just reads the mail soon
lazy daisies, failed bloom, bright night, pale moon
shake the trail of gloom by sunrise, a new appreciation
a new reprise, I wipe my eyes of dew and condensation
like pesticide the rest just dies of complications faced then
I spy a concentration of a budding congregation

[Fa-Q]

Did you just start writing?

[magic12ernie]

Yea, I've always wanted to but this is the first time I wrote something somewhat structured.

edit- those lines in your sig are sick

[Fa-Q]

Yea, I've always wanted to but this is the first time I wrote something somewhat structured.

Well, this is great for your first time for sure. Great structure, but you need to work on vocab and wordplay...but other than that great piece and first drop...oh and I would change your name, too

[Yah-hah]

Yeah man like Fa-Q said it was really good for a first try. Think you just gonna keep writing and find your flow and you'll be good bro. And yeah for the name lol

[magic12ernie]

Thanks for the input, I appreciate it. As for the name, its something I've used since middle school so I agree ha. I didn't plan on writing/having any type of reputation when I signed up.