Sentus- The Sniper

[WakeUpShow]

wow 12/10

really blew me away and not exagerating. the story telling and the way you wrapped it all together. Fuck multis, you had them, and you could have gone without them, that's how incredible the visuals for this were. keep it up

[Devil'sAdvocate]

thought i was reading an immortal song.

THIS IS REAL DOPE

[classthe_king]

Thanks guys, means a lot

[NeverStop123]

Intense, good stuff.

[Block]

The story itself was written really well. My only peeve is the flow is off in some parts. It seems really choppy through out the whole piece. Like stop-go-stop-go, ya know? If I were going to nit pick, I'd say you could have switched out some words and used other ones that rhymed, creating more inners. (Purely aesthetic and nothing to do with the story, itself.)

Overall this was a good story and I see how it has an immortal technique feel.

If you want to get better at story telling in songs, elaborate on your lines and describe them thoroughly. For instance you said:

"He was all alone, so he attempted a bold escape
But a bullet pierced through his shoulder blades
bones shattered like broken plates, cold and dazed,
He fell, grabbed his shoulder and swore aloud
Ran in the stairwell and fell forward towards the ground"


See what I mean? I'm not saying that's the best metaphore or anything, that's the not the point. The point is to elaborate on how/why things happened in the story. That will make you elevate very quickly in story telling.

Good luck, bro.

[classthe_king]

That makes a lot of sense, I need to get better at multis cause I would have never thought of those two rhymes lol. And I was surprised no one mentioned the flow before because there were a lot of spots the flow was off, expecially that line you fixed. I'll try and use this next time, thanks.