You Never Know

[WakeUpShow]

At a well-known business, a man name Jack had just passed away
That meant a very big promotion for a man named Ray
He felt bad for a moment, but the thought of a promotion wiped it away
He went home and told his family they were going out for a steak dinner
They put on their Sunday best and hopped in the black Beamer.
They pulled into the restaurant, a nice place, the kind with a valet,
they told their waitress Debbie they'd start off with some Chardonnay.
She seemed shaky when she was pouring, she even broke a glass
sending fine wine all over the misses lap.
She cursed Debbie off and even threatened a slap.
While bringing out their meal she overheard their conversation that made her stomach drop
"Jack was 80, it was only a matter of time before that bastard's life stopped"
"His death was nothing but a peg on my ladder to the top"
The thought of someone demeaning her father's life made the poor waitress drop her tray,
Her racing mind thought, "it doesn't have to be this way"
She apologized and started to sob, but the family gave her lip and refused to pay.
They even reported her to her manager Andre
On the way home, they bad mouthed Debbie, but little did they know what was on her mind.
These once normal people let money control their minds.
In the morning while flipping through the paper, Ray stopped at the Obituarys
Jack's article caught his attention, his life story was extraordinary.
But something caught Ray and made him hold his breath,
It said that Jack left behind one daughter named Debbie at the time of his death.
It said she was a waitress and married to a man named Jeff.
Ray started to cry because he realized his sins
His mind raced as the tears reached all the way to his chin.
He wanted to apologize but nothing could take back
the words that must have been a machete in Debbies back.
Rays life was flipped upside down
because he realized money had made his morals drown.
He now knows that you should think before you speak
Because you never know what's on someones mind
a death, a relationship, or illness could have their minds bleak.
while you worship money and trying to act chique.

You Just Never Know....

http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=101052&start=15

[WakeUpShow]

Uhm..Interesting.

- Everything was a one syllable rhyme
- Seemed a bit lazy and rushed. Rhyming mind with mind, etc.
- Lines are too long, can't flow to it.

+ You've got a good idea, and you told it more like what it is, a story. Not really a rap.

Try to shorten your lines and focus on 2-3, maybe 4 syllable rhymes.

Practice.

thanks for the feedback. and i didn't worry about the rhyming and multis, i feel like if i had worried about them then the story would have suffered. It really wasnt rushed. took me a few hours. i rewrote it about 3 times

[classthe_king]

Try writing to beats, it will make your piece come out better

[WakeUpShow]

Try writing to beats, it will make your piece come out better

ok i try occasionally. but what did u think of the story itself?

[WakeUpShow]

Hmmmm the story and concept weas good.


i enjoyed the rhyming mainly more after the first 3 bars because the flow was slightly off.

flow lost itself at some parts but other parts were good.


heres my version of first 3 bars:

At a well-known business, Jack passed away
That means a very big promotion for Ray
Felt bad for a moment, Started thinking bout the pay,
And telling his wife about promotion brightend up his day.

Well its your verse not mine, just thought id show you what might of flowed better.

overall its a good read, someparts could be changed to make it a really good story telling verse, should put more effort into the rhymes rather than the smaller details of the story. (if u get that lol)




good drop.

thanks alot for the feedback. your version was much better. i may drop the same verse with condensed details and more mutlis and better flow

[Mr. Chambers]

link of feedback?

[WakeUpShow]

link of feedback?

i'm sorry, but could you please explain what that is

[WakeUpShow]

link of feedback?

i'm sorry, but could you please explain what that is

You need to feed someone elses song, and put the link in this post. it's a new rule

what do you mean like an instrumental i wrote it to on youtube?

[ChristinaE12]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=99315

Note #3.

Basically you need to go give your opinion, hopefully constructive critisism, on someone else's drop. Then link to your post in your own thread/drop.

[NeverStop123]

Uhm..Interesting.

- Everything was a one syllable rhyme
- Seemed a bit lazy and rushed. Rhyming mind with mind, etc.
- Lines are too long, can't flow to it.

+ You've got a good idea, and you told it more like what it is, a story. Not really a rap.

Try to shorten your lines and focus on 2-3, maybe 4 syllable rhymes.

Practice.

Agreed with.

4 syllable rhymes are kind of something to practice with, a big jump, multies bro