A Quick Sixteen

[ChristinaE12]

Just a quick 16 bars I wrote in about 15 minutes just fuckin around some more. I will return feed and plan to become more active in this section as time permits. Which should be more and more.


I'm to you what thunder and bolts of lightning is to lil kids and sissy bitches
Got you all blundered and frightened in despair like little miss prisses
A Grizzly, Bare myself as I prepare to enlighten and start rippin this game asunder
took the lead and now I got this shit tightened..Like a sneaky thief leave you wonderin'
Parents scared and shook I might appear, burst up in the night, take there baby's brief life (SIDS)
Apparent (A Parent) worse nightmare. Where a prayer wont spare grief or strife.
Be Aware, never transparent. Cause I came from underneath. Spiked up
and sneaked from behind. Reached 'til I striked and jolted the foundation,
'Til its stripped from under ya blind, leavin 'em in disbelief like Haitians.
You cooked after I spit twenty thousand volts down round ya, a fly by castration.
Wont stop revolting 'til every emcee's outdone, zipped up and incarcerated,
game nipped in the butt, locked and loaded and I'm crowned - Graduation.
Knocked and bolted to the ground. Chances of survivin' heightened bound and inflatin'
We can go pound for pound, but your minds are just too confined - like a Congregation,
my rhymes in relation to all yours would need be combined. A Combination.
We can go round and round but in the end your life and career is what's in need of resuscitation.


Feedback link: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=101076&p=1391579#p1391579

[Steve Spag]

Not bad for a female. I thought some lines were kind of bland, but your word play was nice. Flow was pretty cool, I actually got it, I think it's pretty abstract. I like that it had a purpose to it, it seemed like a personal verse that could be pretty uplifting for the soul.

Keep it up!

[enjinn]

you had some clever lines...flow was on point...solid rhymes...i hope to see more from you

[Arabian Shady]

haha that was pretty cool miss!
Those long lines remind me of rain matrix and a buncha other dudes who were on the site waay back.
Umm structure was cool, i digg your rhymes some intelligent ones, some filler- good batch you have there
You shud definately visit this section more!
Peace!

[MikeNUFC]

The flow seemed kinda awkward, couldn't quite get it at times, maybe it's me - you sorta had the YM approach at times as well - although you didnt overuse it.

You had some cool wordplay (the grizzly bit was nice) but "would need be combined. A Combination." seemed too forced. Too easy.

There's definitely potential there though.

[ChristinaE12]

Thanks for the feed all. Much appreciated.

And yeah. I always end up with long ass lines. I start off fine. But then I think I can always do somethin better and I get to adding and restructuring shit. And end up with too much shit usually and fuck it up. I'll work at it though.

@ Mike... As for the 'would need be combined. A Combination' line. Yeah, I definitely rushed it and said fuck it. I was actually just going to change it to "my rhymes in relation to all yours would be a combination''. And leave it at that. Which is still just mediocre but a little better than what it is/was. I actually thought I did change it in my notepad after the fact. I just didn't re copy it again before I pasted here.


Thanks again guys.

[Sir_Machete']

Your wording is crisp, i suck at wording lol but damn i can tell you've written before.

Favorite Lines

Parents scared and shook I might appear, burst up in the night, take there baby's brief life (SIDS)
Apparent (A Parent) worse nightmare. Where a prayer wont spare grief or strife.

'Til its stripped from under ya blind, leavin 'em in disbelief like Haitians.
You cooked after I spit twenty thousand volts down round ya, a fly by castration.

Not bad indeed
Your rhyme scheme was different which made your flow unique
Overall you had some solid concepts throughout, 8.3/10

[Enimee]

i dont mind the long lines, lol cause i do it alot too, but it was kinda choppy i couldnt reallly catch the flow, other then that this was a pretty sound drop i mean, you had good metaphors and stuff, def was feelin the wordplay and your wide vocabulary, like i said this was a good drop a few things to brush up on here and there like werd placement and how you space your multis but other then that it was great good shit

[ChristinaE12]

Your wording is crisp, i suck at wording lol but damn i can tell you've written before.

Favorite Lines

Parents scared and shook I might appear, burst up in the night, take there baby's brief life (SIDS)
Apparent (A Parent) worse nightmare. Where a prayer wont spare grief or strife.

'Til its stripped from under ya blind, leavin 'em in disbelief like Haitians.
You cooked after I spit twenty thousand volts down round ya, a fly by castration.

Not bad indeed
Your rhyme scheme was different which made your flow unique
Overall you had some solid concepts throughout, 8.3/10

Thanks.. And honestly this is like my 4th written piece really. So I really don't have much experience. At all. Which definitely shows in certain aspects.

i don't mind the long lines, lol cause i do it a lot too, but it was kinda choppy i couldn't really catch the flow, other then that this was a pretty sound drop i mean, you had good metaphors and stuff, def was feelin the wordplay and your wide vocabulary, like i said this was a good drop a few things to brush up on here and there like werd placement and how you space your multis but other then that it was great good shit

Thanks for the feed.

And yeah.. My major downfall is having long ass lines packed full of shit. LOL. Which throws off placement of my rhymes/multi's. I feel if I can get that structered down better I can have multi's out the ass. And ones that don't get skipped or missed. My structure needs worked on for sure. Cause I know this exact thing totally screwed up my last drop before this one. Which should have been the better piece.


Thanks again all.