Excuses

[MikeNUFC]

Okay, I've never posted shit in here but I guess if I don't then I won't really get better. I only occasionaly write and I did this a couple of weeks back.

I honestly don't think it's that good and it's kinda cliched but fuck it. Let me know what'cha think. (and please really harsh if you want to be, dont hold back lol it's pointless)




So this is it? I’m not coming out of the dark?
Everything is in opposite, mouth is in heart
I hate the reflection that I see in the glass
What direction to take? Where the fuck is the path?
I feel like the ‘Man in the Mirror’ after MJ’s passing
Everyone’s hearing my voice but no-one’s laughing
I’m making excuses for the way that I’m acting
I’m faking ruses and to say that I’m lacking
Would be a understatement of the highest proportion
The reasons for my downfall should come with a caution:

“Hip-hop is fucked; shit rappers are top of the pile
‘Wayne is da dopest’, but no-one hears Copy’s style?
My team gets demolished and they all find it funny
Yet their support is based solely on their team’s money”

Why can’t I see that I’ve brought this on myself?
Hip-hop and football are only sought as a shell
To flaws that are evident to everyone else
The doors to heaven are wide open but I'd rather see hell


Link of feedback
http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic. ... 3#p1415203

[classthe_king]

The flow was very good, better than my flow Most people have a problem with flow but you picked up on it well, probably due to how much hip-hop you listen to lol. I would like to see more rhyming because...that's how I am lol. I didn't really like the proportion and caution rhyme because it's only the -tion rhyming, unless the begining rhymes with your accent cause it doesn't to me. And you should change this part too

Hip-hop is fucked; shit rappers top the pile
‘Wayne is da dopest’, but no-one hears Copy’s style?

So that the syllable count matches up on the rhymes. It was pretty good, I think you should post more

[MikeNUFC]

Cheers, class.

Well, in my accent 'cau' and 'por' rhyme perfectly lol.

Yeah, it was pretty simple rhyme wise, although there may be some your missing due to accents.

And yeah on that line, I spent the last half an hour tryna match up the syllables throughout the piece and didn't do that line. Sounds way better the way you put it

I will post more if I think anything is good enough.

[classthe_king]

Cheers, class.

Well, in my accent 'cau' and 'por' rhyme perfectly lol.

Yeah, it was pretty simple rhyme wise, although there may be some your missing due to accents.

It wouldn't surprise me. When I'm reading SaJJad or who's piece I don't catch on rhymes that I hear in the audio.

[BILI]

You need to post more fo`sure.Your rhyming is ok and as Class said flow is really nice.That beginning really got me into it.Italic part is also nice.Post more man.

[Arabian Shady]

haha this was written pretty nice brotha.
Umm you should try and give details about stuff, like that only ADDS to imagery, like for example

So this is it? I’m not coming out of the dark?
Everything is in opposite, mouth is in heart
I hate the reflection that I see in the glass

after the glas you could talked more about WHAT you saw, thatd make the verse/piece more detailed and create a better image.

flow was cool, people usually have problems with structure or using wordplay or meta's, you dont have that, id suggest you work on details.
Keep droppin!

[MikeNUFC]

Cheers guys

Arabian - Yeah I was tryna work the 'man in the mirror' wordplay in followed by some imagery straight after but it made the rhyme shit so I left it. That's something I'll definitely be working on though, cheers.

[Arabian Shady]

Cheers guys

Arabian - Yeah I was tryna work the 'man in the mirror' wordplay in followed by some imagery straight after but it made the rhyme shit so I left it. That's something I'll definitely be working on though, cheers.

haha, yea that happens to me alot, but if i keep stressin on it, it comes to me at odd moments like in the middle of the night... or when im takin a dump

BUT YEA, if you feel theres room for improvement B, stay on it