Fa-Q - Fall On Deaf Ears

[Fa-Q]

feed viewtopic.php?f=24&t=102993

I sit back and watch this world get infected with hierarchy,
Lose my temper, fuse my winter, watchin the fire spark me,
I have written in the stone, a journal made of stainless steel,
My thoughts spill out, about I wonder how the painless feel,
How their brainless zeal, turns into how the blameless heal,
Each time shaking hands try their best to assemble a verse,
The ink stains, only show that your digits, tremble and curse,
You made my fingers weak, and I put a thimble on the worse,
My dead skin, dead fingernails, only a symbol of a hearse,
My held tongue, behind gritted teeth, has swelled some,
Plus I’ll always be hungrier than you, and ever since teething,
And all I’ve ever seen from you is your footprints leaving,
You can’t run from me, even if you lace the tight Nikes,
You can’t tame the thunder, or face the white lightnings,
So don’t you mind me, I’m just faking all the trust,
I’m made of mental metal, I’m just shaking off the rust,

I could say this or that,
But its falling on deaf ears,
I could speak for days and days,
But its falling on deaf ears,
I could scream out loud,
But its falling on deaf ears,
Now I’m calling on deaf ears,
But its falling on deaf ears,

Sometimes I sit and watch the tip of my blunt disentigrate,
Now I need to find a way, because I want to vent my hate,
Hip Hop is all darkness, I feel like I’m a lost lightening bug,
Living Sweet Divine, but then again, that’s a fright’ning drug,
I’m just praying it changes, but I’m stuck with broken knees,
Weak MCs make me an enemy of California, smokin’ trees,
I’m chokin’ these, rappers, with a child’s desire, a wild fire,
Is my inner core’s feeling, blunt ashes just get piled higher,
But the raincloud just keeps pouring rain, so I froze the storm,
Out of the rose, rose a thorn, and it always chose the norm,
And my once ice cold heart always knows the warm,
I guess I’m just a pure bastard, always trying to mature faster,
Maybe since I’m grounded, I just wanna touch the sky more,
I want a reason, cause right now, I don’t have much to die for,
I’ll never run, even when winds blow, they’ll never stop my feet,
I’ll climb this mountain, spread my arms, until it’s the top I meet,

I could say this or that,
But its falling on deaf ears,
I could speak for days and days,
But its falling on deaf ears,
I could scream out loud,
But its falling on deaf ears,
Now I’m calling on deaf ears,
But its falling on deaf ears,

I work alone, empty notebook page, I’m slowly gettin’ a spark,
Raincloud over my head, cant see what I write, I sit in the dark,
I’m an enraged Doberman, sober then, but I spit when I bark,
And I’m hungry for it all, but I know that I’m just near crumbs,
Well here comes, the apocalypse, for each of your ear drums,
My Ripped Vans Wrinkled, I’ll wake up, now I’m aged in years,
I’m caged in tears, and I’m always leaving my gauge in fears,
Fighting for all its worth, now I’m leaving all my rage on spears,
Its like I’m a rusty nail, a ghost from being drowned to death,
I would have swam to the surface, if I’d have found the breath,
I guess I have lust it seems, I never having trust, it brings,
Just louder envy, and that’s probably just the cowards in me,
I know that you couldn’t see flow, if you were a wolf in a mirror,
The rest of you hug the walls, you’re all engulfed in the fear,
But I must learn sign language, because its falling on deaf ears,
But I know I’m in my right mind, I just hope the left clears,

[Fa-Q]

Bump

[Block]

Ahem.. How's it going? I'm DR. K.. I'll be diagnosing you today. Let's get to it, shall we?

The first thing to address is your lack of anything sensical in this verse. There are a few decent lines but even those are rendered useless when in the same context as the other lines that are... Not so decent.

I understand abstract writing and poeticism; I mean, shit, I could say I brought it here. But you're going beyond anything reasonable and you're forcing it to the point where it's just not even pretty to look at. Let me give you a few examples of what I mean:

I sit back and watch this world get infected with hierarchy

How does the world become infected with hierarchy? Do you understand the meaning / usage of the word hierarchy? It's to establish order within a group of individuals. Without it, there would be chaos. Maybe you meant heretics? Just a guess.


You made my fingers weak, and I put a thimble on the worse,

This line, in particular, stuck out the most. I understand the thimble /finger concept, but how can you put a "thimble on the worse"? You could have worded that to say "The thimble made it worse" and it would have worked really well and actually would have been a good line. But the way you worded it made no sense.


Plus I’ll always be hungrier than you, and ever since teething,
And all I’ve ever seen from you is your footprints leaving,

This also makes little sense to me. Why is there an "and' before "ever since teething" if you don't elaborate on what you have done since teething? And you follow it up in the next line with another "and", which separates the two thoughts.. It seems like you're missing a line between those two.


That's only the first verse; I don't feel up to breaking down the rest of the verses, but they all have pretty much the same problems. Forced multies, incomplete thoughts, scattered / forced abstract writing.
I'm all for trying new things, but maybe this isn't your cup of tea, so to speak.


Although, I did like these lines:

So don’t you mind me, I’m just faking all the trust,
I’m made of mental metal, I’m just shaking off the rust,

[Fa-Q]

yep...

[Block]

yep...

You ask for feedback, even get mad when u don't get it, then don't respond to it? Hmm ok.

[Fa-Q]

I just didnt want to get into a 20+ post argument like we almost always do....I appreciate feedback I was just trying to deter any kind of argument

[classthe_king]

You can hate him all you want but he's an experienced rapper and he knows what he's talking about so I'd listen to him.

[Block]

I just didnt want to get into a 20+ post argument like we almost always do....I appreciate feedback I was just trying to deter any kind of argument

I'm not trying to argue. I was trolling back then, lol. You can't take that stuff serious.

maybe i came off a little harsh in my initial feed, but I wasn't trying to. To be honest with u, if u complete the thoughts that you start and stop forcing multies, your pieces would be really good.

[Fa-Q]

Ok thanks man