Gentlemen Of The Shade

[Audi]

Links Of Feedback:
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=101713
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=102861

Instrumental:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VX0osnzESnI

No life, we sit back, prisoners of our mind state
Pickin at the wall with a chisel I find space
Break into the warden's room, pickin his wall safe
Crawlin through the ducts over lookin the hallways
Tunnel a long ways, sun rays blind as we surface
I climb the prison walls with the heist on my person
Guard's fire, I heard it, but I climb over the wire mesh
A tired mess, hop in the car and the driver jets
Finally rest, a couple from miles from the boarder
I open the canvas bag, peep what I stole from the warden
It's not a fortune, but it'll do for now
I put one in the chauffeur and sped right out of town
I'm lookin round for something steer to
Sunset on the horizon, nightfall in my rearview

[Fa-Q]

I

Steal from my neighbor...and never pay a sent back

I think you mean CENT

[Audi]

Thanks for the feed.

[Fa-Q]

Heres my real feed...I really like your unique rhyming scheme every piece...you hardly ever rhyme straight down on the ends of each bars. You incorporate different rhyming patterns and that makes text alot easier to flow....good work man

[Audi]

Appreciate it. I don't like to have a cookie cutter style.

[Block]

I read this 3 times to make sure I didn't miss any subtle nuances in the rhyme scheme. The imagery and storytelling here was pretty dope. You could have elaborated a little more to spice up the imagery even more but, as it was, it worked fine. The rhyme scheme seemed simplistic at first (as I just skimmed through) but, after reading Class's feed, I had to reread it and see what I missed. Although not overly-complex, the rhyme scheme did stick out and was nice; Especially for storytelling. Reminded me a bit of myself.. I like that, lol.

Overall this was a good peice but should have more a set up. This seems like it would be the last verse in a storytelling song. Imo, you should have incorporated something more about how you got trapped in your mind, or if you even know that you are tapped, etc. It would have made it alot more interesting.

[Audi]

I read this 3 times to make sure I didn't miss any subtle nuances in the rhyme scheme. The imagery and storytelling here was pretty dope. You could have elaborated a little more to spice up the imagery even more but, as it was, it worked fine. The rhyme scheme seemed simplistic at first (as I just skimmed through) but, after reading Class's feed, I had to reread it and see what I missed. Although not overly-complex, the rhyme scheme did stick out and was nice; Especially for storytelling. Reminded me a bit of myself.. I like that, lol.

Overall this was a good peice but should have more a set up. This seems like it would be the last verse in a storytelling song. Imo, you should have incorporated something more about how you got trapped in your mind, or if you even know that you are tapped, etc. It would have made it alot more interesting.

Thanks for the feed and this is just a rough draft. I wrote this pretty quick with the intent to expand on it later. Glad everyone like's the concept as much as I do. Inception driven I guess. Good ideas for what it should be about on the whole, I might use one.

Dope piece. Very Shawshank. Except it's a metaphorical piece about being trapped in our minds.

Not sure what the escape means though. Is the narrator losing their mind? They've gone psychotic?

Whatever the case, it's nice metaphorical writing.

Structurally, the rhyming is solid. I liked wall safe/hallways, find space/mindstate, and I liked blind as we surface/heist on my person/fire I heard it.

And there are some creative rhymes where you bend some words: border/warden, wire mesh/tired mess/driver jets.

One thing that did bug me: "prisoners of our mind state"/"chisel I find space"... the syllables are close to aligning but they don't. Try "chisel and I find space."

Definitely my favorite line: "Sunset on the horizon, nightfall in the rear view." Cool metaphor to end on. Is this peace of mind?

Well the ending will be interpreted differently depending on how I decide to set it up. A few things in mind currently. This instrumental really let me rhyme how I wanted. I don't really keep syllables and multies in mind when writing because it stumps my creativity but here everything just fell in line on the beat. Good advice on the chisel I find space line. Well if I go the deeper psychotic root this will symbolize peace of mind though I have a shallow root to chose from also.