I Need A Drink...

[mcZu]

Link of feedback giving in the Creative Writing section: right here..

This is a personal piece, I know I haven't posted for a while in CW, 'cause I didn't feel like to post in here to be honest. But, if you want me to check out your song, verse, poem, or w.e, just PM me. I'll give feed with pleasure. I'm always down to help someone out with a verse/song...

Feedback is appreciated, as always.

The beat I used: La Fouine - Vodka, Redbull

I Need A Drink...

I need a glass of Vodka, but, wait, I don’t drink
This weight on my shoulders, boulders
And vibes under cover, like a Hip Hop folder
It’s getting colder, but, wait, I don’t think
That this is what I should indulge in
My four heart chambers form together a dungeon
My valves filled with misery, a curmudgeon
Person, on behalf of my chivalry
I keep a straight face, however, it’s killing me..
My reflection resents me, I defend me
And pretend me is all I can be
But the lost me can’t seem to demand me
So, I repent me and end up with nothing but depression in me
It’s suppressing the sins in me
Envy is my twin, so he’s the kin in me
So, I end up pushing buttons to regulate my feelings in me
It’s feeling like I’ve got Sims in me
I’m merely trying to be as bright as a button
But all people say is I’m trying to mimic Budden
He picks cotton, a slave to the art form
Behavior art like, I behave like a heart torn
To pieces, my art’s born inside, man, like Denzel
They can’t tell me get the lead out, ‘cause I’ll reach for the pencil
To shoot me they’ll have to get the lead out
But their lead out, so they got lead out..
I try to let it all out, and dwell not in the past
But due to my memories, it’s never really the past
I passed my pears, on the wire like Felicia
I’m past my fears, sometimes I wish I had amnesia
I won’t seize to believe that I can be it all
And be it all there is, I bare my heart like the beat is all
Behold, a spouse can arouse contempt up to ten feet
I tried to scold her, and the love been deep
But if they say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, and that it’s skin deep
How am I supposed to see it all? I envy..
Simple people, simply ‘cause I want to miss the drama
The grass is greener there, the bliss my Koran, to
Walk the right crossroad, the bliss a savanna
And ironically the name of the girl I’m dating is Cristiana
And then there is the honor in me
Honoring me with missing my loves hunger in me
It’s no longer in me, too far to think of tomorrow
We’re just friends but I feel more for you Tamara..

[Block]

Wish I could feed this right now, but I have to go eat.. I'll reserve this and feed when I get back on tonight.

[WakeUpShow]

wow great drop, pure poetry.

[mcZu]

Wish I could feed this right now, but I have to go eat.. I'll reserve this and feed when I get back on tonight.

Alright, take your time, lol.

wow great drop, pure poetry.

Thanks CoSh, appreciate it, bro.

[Block]

I Need A Drink...

I need a glass of Vodka, but, wait, I don’t drink
This weight on my shoulders, boulders
And vibes under cover, like a Hip Hop folder
It’s getting colder, but, wait, I don’t think
I like how this is set up.. I enjoy the enlongated rhyming structure and the way you mimicked, almost mocked yourself in the second "but, wait," part

That this is what I should indulge in
My four heart chambers form together a dungeon
My valves filled with misery, a curmudgeon
Person, on behalf of my chivalry
I keep a straight face, however, it’s killing me..
This part is really dope and is a dope set up for the lines to follow..

My reflection resents me, I defend me
And pretend me is all I can be
This really stuck out to me. For some reason, lines like this make me smile. They're not complex but they say so much in the fewest words possible. REALLY good shit here, man.

But the lost me can’t seem to demand me
So, I repent me and end up with nothing but depression in me
It’s suppressing the sins in me
Envy is my twin, so he’s the kin in me
So, I end up pushing buttons to regulate my feelings in me
It’s feeling like I’ve got Sims in me
The metaphorical twin here is sick. I loved the imagery of this whole part.. it allows the reader to tell that it's personal. The "pushing buttons" part is a dope double entendre. like "dont push my buttons" but then literally pushing buttons to lead into the sims line.. Dope, man.

I’m merely trying to be as bright as a button
But all people say is I’m trying to mimic Budden
He picks cotton, a slave to the art form
Behavior art like, I behave like a heart torn
To pieces, my art’s born inside, man, like Denzel
They can’t tell me get the lead out, ‘cause I’ll reach for the pencil
To shoot me they’ll have to get the lead out
But their lead out, so they got lead out..
I know you mentioned budden, but this is very budden-esque type of rhyme scheme with the whole repetition of one thing, "lead out" with a bunch of different meanings. It was good, though. This whole segment is explained nicely.

I try to let it all out, and dwell not in the past
But due to my memories, it’s never really the past
This was dope. Keep living the past in your head so it stays present. Sick.

I passed my pears, on the wire like Felicia
I’m past my fears, sometimes I wish I had amnesia
I won’t seize to believe that I can be it all
And be it all there is, I bare my heart like the beat is all
Behold, a spouse can arouse contempt up to ten feet
I tried to scold her, and the love been deep
But if they say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, and that it’s skin deep
How am I supposed to see it all? I envy..
Simple people, simply ‘cause I want to miss the drama
The grass is greener there, the bliss my Koran, to
Walk the right crossroad, the bliss a savanna
And ironically the name of the girl I’m dating is Cristiana

And then there is the honor in me
Honoring me with missing my loves hunger in me
It’s no longer in me, too far to think of tomorrow
We’re just friends but I feel more for you Tamara..
[b]The part above this I wasn't really feeling as much as the rest (even though it seemed real) This last part is nice though. I'm liking how you put things together in this last part

To be perfectly honest with you, I underrated you for a long time. I never really gave your work a chance, since never actually bothered to read it. That was my fault, but this is really good, man. As you know, I enjoy these types more than the punchlines.. Even with a few punchlines in there, lol. Big ups for this, Zu.

[Ka0t1c]

great piece, nice read... i seen this as poetical

[mcZu]

To be perfectly honest with you, I underrated you for a long time. I never really gave your work a chance, since never actually bothered to read it. That was my fault, but this is really good, man. As you know, I enjoy these types more than the punchlines.. Even with a few punchlines in there, lol. Big ups for this, Zu.

Thanks for the thorough feed (the break down), and thank you for the kind words, man. Appreciate it, bro.

great piece, nice read... i seen this as poetical

Thanks, ka0t1c, appreciate it, man.

[mcZu]

Bumpeezy.

[ShaBruv]

Zu's Rock Bottom

Seriously killed it, i could feel the emotion,

and some of the metaphors etc were great

and that buttons double entendre mentioned earlier

[mcZu]

^Thanks, bro, appreciate it.

[ShaBruv]

P.s when i said some of the metaphors were good, i didnt mean some were bad