"Who Am I" - edited with hook

[Block]

Wrote this today. Just now, actually. I don't normally post up rough edits of verses that I do but I wanted some feed on this. I understand it's not audio, so it's rather difficult to feed a song just by it's lyrics, but any and all feed would be appreciated.

It's a verse to an abstract story I'm tryna do about a homeless guy with split personality, hence the mirror line and referring to "him". If you catch it, good deal. If not, ehh..


EDIT: Still haven't written the second verse but I made some changed and edited the hook in.


im just, trapped in a mirror
and im looking at myself
like there's nothing to fear here (nothing to fear here)
when will I get away
im just, trapped in a mirror
and im looking at myself
like there's nothing to fear here (nothing to fear here)
when will I get away
(when will I get away)


we chizzle dawn with a thought an exntention of a lost mind
often times I would only glance as I would walk by
and talk like, "I'm the other man demanding spotlight",
It's not like I stand and deliver that is not me you copy?
you got me.. sipping on a stale cup of coffee in my finger tips
lingering a bit til I can find a place to hunker down
Hunger frowns down on my mouth, only wonder how
the better off are better off I'm better off to think of them..
sink or swim another round (my head's above water)
I caught a awful case of nastalgea drowning tomorrow
and here we are.. here we sit, it was practically freedom
Past the season for mistreatment I had asked for a reason,
practiced leaving in the mirror but it broke me for good luck
if good luck is thieving what is easily given
he took.. pieces of me home like a rabbit's foot a trophey
a momento of this moment showing me how he had broken me,
I openly admit that I am not that good at coping
with pirhanhas with a masochistic view (hey I'm honest),
and honestly I'm passing it to you
you can do what you please,
I caught the sunshine shooting my knees,
you said he shot the breeze but we all, know I tried to run
what you want from me??? ((want from me))((want from me))((want from me))


im just, trapped in a mirror
and im looking at myself
like there's nothing to fear here (nothing to fear here)
when will I get away
im just, trapped in a mirror
and im looking at myself
like there's nothing to fear here (nothing to fear here)
when will I get away
(when will I get away)

[SlimShadyX313X]

SICK
GOOD JOB

[Atone]

Honestly dude, i imagined this in my mind and it's almost like i could hear it on a track, i love the way this flowed, keep em comin

[Block]

Thanks, guys.


I'mma get to feeding. haven't done it in a week.