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Judgement Day(please feedback)

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Judgement Day(please feedback)

Postby Spyder » Jan 30th, '11, 18:02

left feed on Class's piece but got erased, he can vouch :y:

It’s the seventh day as the skies darken and crowds-start
I begin my descent on a machine breaking the sound-arc,
In such a way to replicate a thousand starving hounds-bark
People wait to see my being, eager as clouds-part.
I saunter-down, wonder-the-grounds, staff-in-hand
Approach-the-crowd, hopeless-now I grab-the-man.
He cowers and cries, bows his head in shame-and-disgrace
My description, tattooed encryptions of names-on-my-face.
Burning crown atop my scalp, spine seems to spew-from-my-back
A reflecting mirror in place of the pupils-I-lack.
Crude-symbols-packed, etched on my skin-of-stories
Containing-both, remaining-hope, sin,-allegory.
Torso of a man bearing falcon talons and legs-of-a-steed
A scent of death presence itself to the extent-as-I-breathe,
I open my mouth and let out a deafening-scream
The persuading powers beam, with my rhetorics-ease.
I sliver out my silver two-pronged tongue to the servants-ear
“my child, do you really think you deserve-it-here?
This realm is empty your service is worthless-this-year
I shall make you stay in the dark cursed-with-fear.”
A nervous-tear streaks down his cheek as he goes-to-speak
Voice-shaken, no noise-made-when he knows-he-weak.
“ I will show no remorse-for, prepare for torture
no nature to grace you, or nurture to nurse-you.
From this very point on I dismantle all life-forms
Drain the ocean and engage meteorite-storms.
Perhaps the next evolution shall fill-my-needs,
Instead of kill-my-trees and spill-thy-seed.”
The earth now empty of food, scarce population
I again mount my machine breaking the earth bound-limitation.
The people mourn and slowly decease
Until my experimental planet is free from disease.
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Re: Judgement Day(please feedback)

Postby Sam. » Jan 31st, '11, 10:11

This is the best piece i have read in a while,gotta give it to ya the multis you used were just pure pleasure to flow with, i was thrown back at the very first 5 bars itself,nice creative thing there bro.
Lemme highlight the parts i liked.
Spyder wrote:l

It’s the seventh day as the skies darken and crowds-start
I begin my descent on a machine breaking the sound-arc,
In such a way to replicate a thousand starving hounds-bark
People wait to see my being, eager as clouds-part.

I saunter-down, wonder-the-grounds, staff-in-hand
Approach-the-crowd, hopeless-now I grab-the-man.
He cowers and cries, bows his head in shame-and-disgrace
My description, tattooed encryptions of names-on-my-face.
Burning crown atop my scalp, spine seems to spew-from-my-back
A reflecting mirror in place of the pupils-I-lack.
Crude-symbols-packed, etched on my skin-of-stories
Containing-both, remaining-hope, sin,-allegory.
Torso of a man bearing falcon talons and legs-of-a-steed
A scent of death presence itself to the extent-as-I-breathe,

I open my mouth and let out a deafening-scream
The persuading powers beam, with my rhetorics-ease.
I sliver out my silver two-pronged tongue to the servants-ear
“my child, do you really think you deserve-it-here?
This realm is empty your service is worthless-this-year
I shall make you stay in the dark cursed-with-fear.”
A nervous-tear streaks down his cheek as he goes-to-speak
Voice-shaken, no noise-made-when he knows-he-weak.
“ I will show no remorse-for, prepare for torture
no nature to grace you, or nurture to nurse-you.
From this very point on I dismantle all life-forms
Drain the ocean and engage meteorite-storms.
Perhaps the next evolution shall fill-my-needs,
Instead of kill-my-trees and spill-thy-seed.”

The earth now empty of food, scarce population
I again mount my machine breaking the earth bound-limitation.
The people mourn and slowly decease
Until my experimental planet is free from disease.

:y:
[Rollefsen] - SajN retired, bitch got old, unlike Sams "ladies".
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Re: Judgement Day(please feedback)

Postby classthe_king » Feb 1st, '11, 21:24

Pretty good piece, they best I've seen since you got back. I liked the story even though it was a little confusing, I would have to read it a couple more times to fully understand what was going on lol. Multi's were greath except for

my child, do you really think you deserve-it-here?
This realm is empty your service is worthless-this-year

You should have just said worthless year.

Flow was shakey though. Some lines had much more syllabes than others and it didn't really flow together well.
You think your personal attacks make up for what you lack?
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Re: Judgement Day(please feedback)

Postby Block » Feb 1st, '11, 21:48

How did you manage a black name without there being another contest?
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Re: Judgement Day(please feedback)

Postby Spyder » Feb 2nd, '11, 05:15

thanks for checking this piece out guys appreciate the feed
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Re: Judgement Day(please feedback)

Postby Block » Feb 2nd, '11, 05:30

Spyder wrote:thanks for checking this piece out guys appreciate the feed


My question was not answered.
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Re: Judgement Day(please feedback)

Postby Spyder » Feb 2nd, '11, 05:37

tr illuminati
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Re: Judgement Day(please feedback)

Postby Block » Feb 2nd, '11, 05:43

Spyder wrote:tr illuminati


Or biased mods.

It's cool.
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