No Self Esteem

[ShadyNarkoticz]

link of feed: viewtopic.php?p=1502750#p1502750

fuck my past, it's behind me for a reason
fuck her lying ass, i'm behind her for no reason.
You were the only thing keeping my sanity
now that you've decided not to talk to me
don't know how ill ever be the man I was truly set out to be
why can't you just fucking leave?
you're no good for me, and i'm too good for you
but it doesn't stop these memories from popping up about us two
tried to get rid of this past but the more i tried/the longer it would last
thought i got past it, so i asked this nice chick
if she was into it, yeah, she passed it
you were the light at the end of this hallway
nice and terrible memories, ill remember them always
you could have erased it and denied the mechanical
now my heart is crushed in half and highly flamable
who do i run to when it's you i'm pissed at?
overreacting when all i wanted was to kiss that
pretty face of yours, but you don't think i'm worth that
time alone, what the fuck did i do to deserve that?
maybe im making a fool of myself
i'm rich on feelings and i need to share the wealth
who ever thought someone with no self esteem
could turn out to be so goddamn picky?
actin so strange cause i switched up the game
but i was tired of our words gettin so tame
you should be thankful someone like me even noticed you
continue fuckin up your life and see what im suppose do
im not gonna hold your hand through this whole ordeal
either take me or leave me but don't lead me on, forreal
i wanted to show you what a real man was like
but you'd rather have a "i like cheatin on you" type
guy in your life, someone with a plane but no flight
someone with a lace but no Nik, someone that wouldn't stay up with you all night
but fine, moving on, easier said than done, i know
because i cant just step away and not let this relationship grow
you are much different from all of the others, i can see
but you need to make up your mind or you won't be seeing me.

I know, some simple rhymes, but it's telling a great story I think. My second song I made and I think I improved a lot from my first one. Gimme your feedback!

[eat_healthy]

this part flows fine and i'm sure you intentionally double-rhymed "behind" and "reason" for the sake of story.

fuck my past, it's behind me for a reason
fuck her lying ass, i'm behind her for no reason.
You were the only thing keeping my sanity
now that you've decided not to talk to me

don't know if you intended this to be two bars but it flows better if you split them because before it was too much to say for one bar, unless you double-time

don't know how ill ever be
the man I was truly set out to be

i like the part below, it all *just* fits in to a bar, but it might work better if you drop the g on "popping" so you're saying the 'word' "poppin-up" as saying "ing" makes it harder on your breath and might make your delivery less awkward

why can't you just fucking leave?
you're no good for me, and i'm too good for you
but it doesn't stop these memories from [color=#FF8000]popping up about us two[/color]

this part sounds repetitive because you've used "tried" twice in the same bar

tried to get rid of this past but the more i tried/the longer it would last

tbc.

[eat_healthy]

I really like the below line, but "crushed" in half sounds awkward and you could easily change it to "split" which would rhyme internally with "erased it"

you could have erased it and denied the mechanical
now my heart is crushed in half and highly flamable

you could add "all i wanted to do was kiss that"
which would internally rhyme with "you" and would add flow

who do i run to when it's you i'm pissed at?
overreacting when all i wanted was to kiss that

apart from that I like your story-telling and the whole thing speaks to me right now because i'm going through heartbreak myself.

hope that helps somewhat

[ShadyNarkoticz]

Thanks for the feedback! I changed the line to:

"gotta get rid of this past but the more i try, the longer it will last"

and I need to fix this line:

"thought i got past it, so i asked this nice chick
if she was into it, yeah, she passed it"

It's just awkward and doesn't flow.

[eat_healthy]

and I need to fix this line:

"thought i got past it, so i asked this nice chick
if she was into it, yeah, she passed it"

It's just awkward and doesn't flow.

it's awkward because orange section is comprised of T sounds and the blue has K's carrying it through, so certain sounds are alliterated, "tigot" and "tit" and then you quickly switch to "asked" which is an awkward word to say "Ass-ker-tuh" and that throws it off. if you swap "asked" for "met" it might flow a little better and alliterate with the T-sounds earlier.

it might be worth re-writing it completely or re-phrasing that part

i tried re-writing it as this and it sounds alright

distorted by the past… shit, I thought i got passed it
i met this nice chick hopin' she wouldn't pass this

[ShadyNarkoticz]

it might be worth re-writing it completely or re-phrasing that part

i tried re-writing it as this and it sounds alright

distorted by the past… shit, I thought i got passed it
i met this nice chick hopin' she wouldn't pass this

Yeah, I was just trying to find a way to rewrite it. I took your attempt and tweaked it a bit and it works great. I'm doing a verse with my friend over the Deuces instrumental so I'm trying to take a few lines from the songs I've made previously and add some new stuff.