Liar

[Sam.]

I wanna dig out the truth before i am buried as a liar,
in the eyes of my peeps ,who have always been there,
in my bad times ,to keep them in the dark seems unfair,
i was nowhere near when brenda got raped in pair,
untill this bastards stumbled up on me and dropped her neckwear,
my head spun 360 thinking brenda's fate because i swear,
i would have pinned them down hadn't they dissappeared in mid air,
without the slightest clue leaving me in the middle of nowhere,
confused of the possibilties occured but i don't know where,
to start searching for her ,i might be late no time to spare,
so i move in the direction they came from ,hoping for her welfare,
till i noticed a crowd near a warehouse cryin in despair,
i saw some one holding a bloody jacket that adds to the scare,
as i make my way through the crowd i see brenda on the floor all bare,
disgusted i yell at the crowd "how can just stand and stare?" ,
don't you have any humanity, it's a police case they declare,
my hands shiver as i cover her body , the pain i can't bear,
it reflects in my voice as i call my homies and tell them of the affair,
instead of the police because i don't trust their justice through an armchair,
i dispearse the onlooking crowd before my homies get here,
because together we gone demolish those responsible before their last prayers,
as they arrive i move up to them but i am pushed aside like a queer,
with a nine pulled over me askin with you around who would dare,
i know i wasn't around but you can't put the entire ,
blame on me ,my loyality to our family is like this fire,
that can never be put out dawg,that's our live wire,
arguments turn into fist fights and my arms get tired,
of defending myself on this blinded accusation like i was a lawyer,
who became the accused ,seeing no end to this fight near,
i take the whole blame on me ,but not under any one's fear,
it was my own decision ,because i could not steer ,
myself out of this situation from being labelled as a liar.

Link Of Feedback

[mdemaz]

Ok, it's nice to see you trying new things for a change.
I especially like your use of words in particular for this piece.

I'd advise you not to force multis and punches too much as the whole thing lost it's impact around half way.

Other then that, it was brilliant.

[DƎRDYPK]

pretty decent piece bra
keep at it

[Sam.]

pretty decent piece bra
keep at it

Thanks i hope it's better than what i sent you the "Bad Luck" verse .

Ok, it's nice to see you trying new things for a change.
I especially like your use of words in particular for this piece.

I'd advise you not to force multis and punches too much as the whole thing lost it's impact around half way.

Other then that, it was brilliant.

thanks for the feed.

[gutawafang]

Structure sucks. Lulz.

K, I'll ignore that cuz it's your first piece here.

Every line seems very long to me. I had to figure out what rhymes with what. Lacking multis, of course. You need to practice A LOT on multis man.

But for the storyline, it's very good. I can picture a few of the lines here. Good imagination. You need that for creative writing. The continuation is not bad man.

For example,
blame on me ,my loyality to our family is like this fire,
that can never be put out dawg,that's our live wire,
arguments turn into fist fights and my arms get tired,
of defending myself on this blinded accusation like i was a lawyer,

It's quite good. Don't use too much though. But it's good cuz I see multis at this part. Blahahahahaha.

Work on structure, rhyme scheme and multis bro.

Nevertheless, good job. I quite like it. Keep writing bro.

[Sam.]

B to the UMP

[WakeUpShow]

good story. rhyming was simple. but the content and flow make up for it. keep at it.

[Sam.]

good story. rhyming was simple. but the content and flow make up for it. keep at it.

Thanks bro.

[Sam.]

Bump. .

[Just Silver]

The flow was a little but other than that it was fire

seemed like a dark type of flow

[Sam.]

Bump. .

[Sam.]

Bumping this for the last time.

[Block]

The general rule is that you'll get more feed is you feed other pieces consistantly. Just an fyi.

As for your piece.. It's not bad. I mean, your storytelling is decent and your rhymes aren't too bad. I can't be too harsh cos I assume you're still kinda new at writing. Anyhow, just try to work on a little more complexity. But that comes with time, I guess.

[Sam.]

The general rule is that you'll get more feed is you feed other pieces consistantly. Just an fyi.

As for your piece.. It's not bad. I mean, your storytelling is decent and your rhymes aren't too bad. I can't be too harsh cos I assume you're still kinda new at writing. Anyhow, just try to work on a little more complexity. But that comes with time, I guess.

Yeah bro i fed some other pieces and will too.
As for being new at writing i just started writing after a 3 years hiatus and this is one of the first few pieces i wrote .
Lmao ! i would not mind if you were harsh or W/e in your words, a feed is a feed it will only help me improve.
thanks k.

[mdemaz]

Sam has a lot of swag for a noob..
Looking forward to future bars..