Sentus- The Funeral

[classthe_king]

Finished my song from the first competition

Sentus- The Funeral

I take a stroll down to speedway for a pack of smokes
A bag of dope or if I seem brave I’ll grab some coke
But as I saunter down this path of rueful memories
The storm cloud kisses me, soaking my new slender jeans
As it’s trickling I hide in seven eleven
When I notice that an angel from heaven was let in
The golden curls twist and spiral down your back
As I stare into your blue eyes and wish I’d drown in that
When I hear you speak your subtle whisper allows
My heart to be set free and hover into the clouds
As I start a conversation I dream of your beauty
And wish that you could soothe me in my heart till I awaken
In this darkness I am chasin I’m released from the slumber
I may not have got your love but I at least get a number
And I seem to discover than in this picture perfect lioness
The delusive fox waits for his turn inside her flesh

(Chorus)
This is just another broken heart funeral
But I guess it’s good enough for me…
And I know you may not be the most beautiful
But you’re still good enough for me…
I ain’t the guy trying to fuck you like the usual
But I guess I ain’t good enough for you…
I realize as I put my heart in this musical
I’ll never be good enough for you…

So then I hit you up on your cell but as I might see
Girls like you ain’t got time for a guy like me
Your last boyfriend played football and the current is a rapper
Why waste your time with a loser flirtin with disaster
I’m not certain of much after but then things sorta change
You tell me about this party I can hit up down on 48
So whatever, I guess I’ll show her what I got
Throw a couple rocks and head on over to the spot
Walk in and she greets me, stumblin all over, blushin
She says she’s fine but I think she did some coke or somethin
But I don’t care, it’s the best shot for some jobless kid
Then her boyfriend comes and asks me what the problem is
But I did coke too and I’m feelin kinda reckless
So I stand up and tell him I ain’t the guy to try n mess with
But he ain’t havin that and tells me as he grabs his gat
That if I’m seen again then his men will snap my back in half

(Chorus)

The next day I vowed to never think of you again
But you were so beautifully arcane that it was eating me within
I was keeping at a distance but it seemed I missed the view
So I snuck back to your store just to sneak a glimpse of you
I just need to skim the room but then I see him with his crew
So I climb up and hide with my feet against the roof
When they left, I just tried to get you to talk to me
But then he came back yellin that he forgot his keys
I froze and began to tear from the dismay
He took one look at me and then pulled out his switch blade
My knees buckled and shook cause he’s trouble
But before I could run she punched with weak knuckles
Said she was sick of it and began to run out the store
He stood speechless, then pulled his gun out his drawers
I closed my eyes and waited for the last shot with peace
Heard the gun, and felt the blood run across my feet

(Chorus)


http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=111526

[classthe_king]

I may not have got your love but I at least got a number

Get is right I'm pretty sure

For real though , this is awesome , the last verse gave me chills and the chorus is amazingly fitting
It flows well on my head , the 2 later verses flowed better than the others , and the multi's are great
Only complain i have is some lines did not rhyme (in my head) , these to be specific :

When I hear you speak your subtle whisper allows
My heart to be set free and hover into the clouds
As I start a conversation I dream of your beauty
And wish that you could soothe me in my heart till I awaken

That's the reason why i said the second/third verse were better than the first one
Overall , this is fucking dope , i hope i'll see this in Audio

As I start a conversation I dream of your beauty
And wish that you could soothe me in my heart till I awaken


When I hear you speak your subtle whisper allows
My heart to be set free and hover into the clouds


Speak...free
subtle...hover
lows...clouds
"whisper a" and "into the" rhymes if you flow it the way I flow it because they're unstressed syllables


Thanks for the feed though, hopefully I can record it

[ArsheyHaq]

What can I say? It was a pretty good story-telling piece The overall story kinda dragged, and I hoped for a better payoff at the end.

There were some pretty good "notable quotables" (as I like to call them) throughout. Some examples:

"In this darkness I am chasin I’m released from the slumber
I may not have got your love but I at least get a number
And I seem to discover"

"Your last boyfriend played football and the current is a rapper
Why waste your time with a loser flirtin with disaster
I’m not certain of much after"

^^^I love that kinda stuff^^^ There's hidden rhymes (at least to me it seems that way) that others might not notice, but I enjoy finding them reminds me a lot of the rhyme scheme Em used in 'Brain Damage'. Anyway, good work not like you need me telling you haha

[MikeNUFC]

Firstly, for me, the flow seemed unnatural and almost robotic in comparisong to your other stuff. But if you've got it flowing nicely then there's no problem (I realize flowing is way harder on storytelling stuff as well).

The narrative was structured nicely and easy to follow. The emphasis on the little details was brilliant and I liked the transistion from the almost 'poetic' ending to the first verse to the ordinary (for use of a better word) start of the second - not sure whether it was intentional but the contrast really emphasised the idea that despite this effection the character has for the girl, she's not that fussed.

I agree that the ending could have been executed better, seemed to be rushed. Again that may have been intentional (showing how quickly it all happens) but it didn't quite work for me.

The storytelling overall was great though and I'm probably being a bit picky - the rhyming seemed natural and generally not that forced.

Good stuff, it was enjoyable.

[classthe_king]

Thanks Mike

And yeah the flow is really weird, it's a Spoonfull flow but it's over a really slow beat so it works.

[Maybe]

I felt more of a Sadistik influence here, not so much spoonful, but your flow was much better than Sadistiks with this piece. The story telling was content, and the whole thing felt smooth and vibrant. I like your choice of words, and your rhymes and internal rhymes are excellent.

Overall, 9/10. It would be a 10/10 if I wasn't an arrogant prick.

[classthe_king]

Haha thanks man, it's more like Sadistik lyrics with a Spoonfull flow

[classthe_king]

Thanks bro

[classthe_king]

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=120685