Fucked Up

[Master Chief]

Wrote this in Math class when I was angry as fuck.

One of these days, I'm gonna explode in people's faces
Calling ME a disgrace, telling ME of my roots and evil traces
But, failing to SEE I'm caged in, deep in a place where...
Escaping is just another dream, I'm steaming, blazing (hot...)
A place where rock bottom is a thousand miles above
"HE'S a waste", don't make me pull you down this dump!
All the while I suffer, I sink in anger and drown in blood
If I ever get out this dump, I leave behind a pile of whats
What is wrong with me? What changed my personality?
What do my people want in exchange, my first apology?
I'm a loose cannon til I get this pain and hurtin' out of me
When I snap, I can't tell if my brain is working properly
I'm relentless, having no remorse, acting up with force
Smash ya to the floor stop... and smack ya up som'more
Feel bad a moment later and buy the government cement
I'm a deranged individual that's fucked up... to an extent

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=111756&p=1589708#p1589708

[Maybe]

When i read this (correct me if I was wring to do so) I read it with anger. I emphasized where you did, and that way it flowed much, much better than it did without the emotion. I really liked it, especially since it read so naturally. The end rhymes that split in to sentences are always welcome in any piece, and you worked them in wonderfully, especially in the beginning.

It sounds a lot like something Apathy would do if he had a conscience or emotions. Overall, 8.5/10.

Only constructive criticism I have is that some bits feel unnecessary or forced. With content like this, it's easy to stray from the core emotion and add insignificance. Although nothing here was insignificant (by far), I feel some editing and adjusting would do this wonders.

Great stuff, man.

[Master Chief]

Thanks guys

I'll finish this song and adjust it, when I do I'll post it all

[WakeUpShow]

Great flow, and one of the pieces in CW where I actually feel the passion. Some good rhyming in parts to.

[Master Chief]

Thanks

[ArsheyHaq]

I agree, some of the lines seem really forced, and it brings the whole piece down...but it's good nonetheless. These lines I liked the most cuz they're the most relatable:

"What is wrong with me? What changed my personality?
What do my people want in exchange, my first apology?
I'm a loose cannon til I get this pain and hurtin' out of me
When I snap, I can't tell if my brain is working properly"

I think you could do without the "first apology" rhyme, and you could still get the message across. It would still sound good too..better even!

Anyway, good work. I'll be looking for more of your work cuz you impressed me.

[Master Chief]

^ Agreed. Some lines seem like fillers/forced to me too.

Thanks for the feed.

[VenomBlackViper]

I'm always a fan of angry tracks (Kim & The Way I Am being my favorite MMLP tracks & all) so I was impressed by this, good use of multis & angry flow makes it work even better.
My favorite part was

One of these days, I'm gonna explode in people's faces
Calling ME a disgrace, telling ME of my roots and evil traces
But, failing to SEE I'm caged in, deep in a place where...
Escaping is just another dream, I'm steaming, blazing (hot...)
A place where rock bottom is a thousand miles above
"HE'S a waste", don't make me pull you down this dump!
All the while I suffer, I sink in anger and drown in blood
If I ever get out this dump, I leave behind a pile of whats

That part was amazing, although you should change

But, failing to SEE I'm caged in, deep in a place where...
Escaping is just another dream, I'm steaming, blazing (hot...)

to

But, failing to SEE I'm caged in, deep in a place
Where escaping is just another dream, I'm steaming, blazing (hot...

It makes the rhyme more noticeable.

What is wrong with me? What changed my personality?
What do my people want in exchange, my first apology?

that was the only real forced rhyme here.
Also what did you mean by government cement, I didn't quite understand that.

All in all though good piece, keep up writing

[Master Chief]

Thanks, my n.igga

And yeah I'll change that line, for some reason I thought where rhymed with in

That goverment cement line is basically... I'll smash you to the floor and feel bad (for cracking/hurting) the floor so I'll buy the government cement and not give a single fuck about you.