Pain (Personal Piece)

[MikeNUFC]

...

[WakeUpShow]

Very Moving. That's the only way to describe it, because so many emotional pieces are vague and don't really convey anything. The last 4 lines are just absolutely breathtaking. The flow was nice throughout. I only have one criticism, and that is that you force rhymes too often like

wake and get dressed

stupid damn shit

rocking back, crumpled

I think you should cut down on syllables, just so it sounds more natural and flows better.



Do you think you could leave some feedback on my piece "Natural Oddity"? it's only an 8 and it would be greatly appreciated.

[MikeNUFC]

Cheers.

I agree - I'm really not happy with the 'stupid damn shit' rhyme at all, have changed it now. The other two are fine for me, but thanks.

Will feed both in a bit

[Sam.]

A very simple verse ,i see you focused on the content rather than on the rhymes (i may be wrong here) ,it was good tho cuz you managed to evoke that feeling .
Only line that i personaly did not like was this one

She saw her fucking son die before her very own eyes

.

[MikeNUFC]

A very simple verse ,i see you focused on the content rather than on the rhymes (i may be wrong here) ,it was good tho cuz you managed to evoke that feeling .

Cheers for the feed.

Didn't think it was that bad, rhyme-wise

'Funny' how things change from one day to the next
One day he's there, next you gotta lay him to rest
But the shit isn't 'funny' when I say I'm depressed
This mess left my Nan struggling to wake and get dressed
What can you expect, when she loses two of her kids
Trying to get through it's like trying to move an abyss
She saw her fucking son die before her very own eyes
Still remember the phone call and that weary lone cry
It tears me inside to know I've lost my two uncles
But I'm more upset for my Nan, rocking back, crumpled
All the pain that I'm feeling - ten times worse for her
That's the same fucking reason my mind can't concur
With the idea time's a healer, for her time is a blur
Two whole fucking years with no sign of reverse
So fuck all these cliches because the sorrow remains
Can change the order of words, not the order of pain


Cosh & Rev - I'll feed your pieces tomorow, got a few things to do tonight

[Sam.]

A very simple verse ,i see you focused on the content rather than on the rhymes (i may be wrong here) ,it was good tho cuz you managed to evoke that feeling .

Cheers for the feed.

Didn't think it was that bad, rhyme-wise

'Funny' how things change from one day to the next
One day he's there, next you gotta lay him to rest
But the shit isn't 'funny' when I say I'm depressed
This mess left my Nan struggling to wake and get dressed
What can you expect, when she loses two of her kids
Trying to get through it's like trying to move an abyss
She saw her fucking son die before her very own eyes
Still remember the phone call and that weary lone cry
It tears me inside to know I've lost my two uncles
But I'm more upset for my Nan, rocking back, crumpled
All the pain that I'm feeling - ten times worse for her
That's the same fucking reason my mind can't concur
With the idea time's a healer, for her time is a blur
Two whole fucking years with no sign of reverse
So fuck all these cliches because the sorrow remains
Can change the order of words, not the order of pain


Cosh & Rev - I'll feed your pieces tomorow, got a few things to do tonight

lol i notice that bro i meant the words you chose to rhyme .

[classthe_king]

This is amazing dude, you've gotten so much better with your rhyme placement and your flow recently. When are you going to get a mic?

[Sam.]

for eg: -
depressed
dressed
the multis you did outweighed them tho.

[MikeNUFC]

for eg: -
depressed
dressed
the multis you did outweighed them tho.

say I'm depressed
wake and get dressed

say/wake
pressed/dressed

The unstressed syllables don't need to rhyme.

@class - thanks a lot man.

I wish - I'm still fucking job hunting right now, so literally can't afford to spend any money on things like that, especially as I somehow need to save up spending money for a lads holiday in July.

If I can get a job I may purchase one in the summer (when my exams finish and before Uni)

[classthe_king]

Good luck with that man, we could make some great tracks together

[MikeNUFC]

Good luck with that man, we could make some great tracks together

Whats happening with this text collab with Block anyway? Get thinking of some subject matter!

[classthe_king]

Good luck with that man, we could make some great tracks together

Whats happening with this text collab with Block anyway? Get thinking of some subject matter!

You were suppossed to pm me!

[MikeNUFC]

I know, but I can't think of any good subject matter haha. Block's creative, he can think of something

[classthe_king]

Alright, we'll let Block decide

[Sam.]

for eg: -
depressed
dressed
the multis you did outweighed them tho.

say I'm depressed
wake and get dressed

say/wake
pressed/dressed

The unstressed syllables don't need to rhyme.

f9