.......

[mcZu]

When dreams deem times as part of a hardship
You’ll see dark times go to a bright phase ignoring the apocalypse
‘cause sometimes, when things seem to fall apart, it’s
Actually all falling in to the right place, yes, even the hard bits
As we march it’s evident that times seem to look dark
But, we should try and stay on the same page like a bookmark
I mean, I took art, and used it as ventilation
But some emotions demanded segregation
Call it a rational emancipation, out of the cage and
The haze in my head made my judgment clouded
I tried erasing some memories, tried to custom mount it
But the times I failed are too much, I tried to count it...
Eventually I found its roots, fixating at my cost
Eradicating didn’t work, neither did dictating my thoughts
Hesitating, why? God?! I know I might lose
But if you’re going to the white house...
Common things can look different given the right news
I mean, I used to like you, but I’m far from like you
I wanted to fight you, now I understand why, you
Seem to understand me better than I do, it’s like you
Are the one that demands the most from me
Made me realize that the one I can’t stand the most
Stands by me the most, funny...


Feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=112196

[There Will Be Blood]

You have good diction.

Pretty dope rhyme from where I sit.
Flow seems to wonder here and there though. Maybe its just me.

Good shit.

[mcZu]

Thanks for checking, appreciate it!

[WakeUpShow]

Everything about this seems so fluid, like it's supposed to be right there. Great presentation, word choice, flow and of course...title!

[mcZu]

Thanks, man, appreciate the comment!

[JUMPDMC]

niiiice, as I was reading it felt it wasn't supposed to have beat, it just reminded me of Common at the white house, then I got to the common part I was 'oh shit!'. that was dope.
How long did it take you to write this, if you don't mind me askin?

[mcZu]

^Thanks, man, appreciate the comment and you checking it out! It took me about 20 - 30 min to write it. With some distraction, of course.

[mcZu]

Bump?

[Maybe]

I loved the concept and the lyricism. It was great as a whole, but I made some changes that make it flow much better:


When dreams deem times as part of a hardship
it's darkness to a bright phase ignoring the apocalypse
‘cause sometimes, when things seem to fall apart...
they're actually all falling in to place, we call it art...
we march and it’s evident, times can look darkened
but we should try and stay on the same page, and bookmark it,
I mean, I took art, and used it as my ventilation
But some emotions just demanded to much segregation
The haze in my head began to make the judgment clouded,
I tried erasing some memories, tried to custom mount it
But the times I failed are too much, I wouldn't try to count it...
Eventually I found its roots, fixating at costs...
Eradicating didn’t work, nor did dictating my thoughts
Hesitating, why? God?! I know I might lose
But if you’re going to the white house...
Common things can look different given the right news
I mean, I used to like you, but I’m far from like you
I wanted to fight you, now I understand why, you
Seem to understand me better than I do, it’s like you
Are the one that demands the most from me (and it hurts),
that you made me realize that the one I can’t stand the most
Stands by me the most.... it's funny how it works...


Overall, great stuff. For a personal-story type, it was easily a 8.5/10. You just need to work on your flow/rhymes a bit.

[mcZu]

Thanks for the in-depth/constructive feed, Maybe, appreciate it! However, it flows perfect to the beat I wrote it to. Granted, I slow down here and there/speed it up here and there, but it flows perfect. I appreciate the feed/the time you took out to tweak it, though! So, thanks, man!

[Maybe]

Thanks for the in-depth/constructive feed, Maybe, appreciate it! However, it flows perfect to the beat I wrote it to. Granted, I slow down here and there/speed it up here and there, but it flows perfect. I appreciate the feed/the time you took out to tweak it, though! So, thanks, man!

No problem man. I wasn't fixing your flow, as much as I was adding words that make it "flow" better. Not the same type of flow people comment on when they say "sick flow" or "flows off", I mean like fluidity... if that makes sense.

[mcZu]

Ah, I see what you mean. True, your version flows better in text form, indeed. The fluidity of the actual text is much more 'fluid' than mine. Usually I'm not too bothered about the textual fluidity, because the fluidity of my verses are usually molded into that of the flow of the actual song. But, yeah, as a piece of text it's much better, thanks.