Reign of Terror

[WakeUpShow]

My dick in ya chick's face, that's what I call up 'n coming
What's with the face, did I say something funny?
Better start fuckin' running, cuz I'm like Britney with pills
I won't stop my reign of terror till half ya city is killed
When an ounce of pity is built... I'll roll it up and smoke it
Throw a million jabs to your gut till every somethings broken
I see you start to quiver when I rhyme with sick passion
If I called you a god, I said the line in pig latin (odgay)
I asked for brains, she said "Yes I cancer, I'll do asbestos I can"
To every wack rapper, these next lines are my message to them:
Give me uni-verse, and I'll show you the universe
In the epitome of viciously,I showed you who's in first

http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=117007

[ArsheyHaq]

You took my advice nice

This one was better written, and I like that you explained your pig Latin rhyme this time The opening line had me smiling (cuz it was funny) haa and then I felt insulted by your next line:

What's with the face, did I say something funny?

awesome how you predicted my behavior lmao

Didn't enjoy the Britney line though maybe it went over my head or something, Iono

[J.R.]

Dope

[Blu]

I asked for brains, she said "Yes I cancer, I'll do asbestos I can"

Clever, I like it.

I see you start to quiver when I rhyme with sick passion
If I called you a god, I said the line in pig latin (odgay)

Love it.

My dick in ya chick's face, that's what I call up 'n coming

At first I thought this was like a double entre, with coming/cumming, but I don't think that's what you were going for.

Good job, nonetheless. Agree with Geno, 16 seems more suitable for your skill.

[ilovebender.com]

My dick in ya chick's face, that's what I call up 'n coming
What's with the face, did I say something funny?..

Deep from the opener.

[WakeUpShow]

bump..

[WakeUpShow]

You took my advice nice

This one was better written, and I like that you explained your pig Latin rhyme this time The opening line had me smiling (cuz it was funny) haa and then I felt insulted by your next line:

What's with the face, did I say something funny?

awesome how you predicted my behavior lmao

Didn't enjoy the Britney line though maybe it went over my head or something, Iono

thanks alot man! i always love your feedback haha

I think you focus too much on punchlines that it results in some of them turning out forced.

For example I just think this was kind of awkward compared to the rest of the verse:

Give me uni-verse, and I'll show you the universe
In the epitome of viciously,I showed you who's in first

But that's just me.

I liked your multies during the "Britney on pills" rhyme scheme. Very easy to flow with and it sounded great.

For future pieces I'd suggest making them 16s instead of 12s. Just seems too short for your skill level.

thanks Geno, I kept it short because I everytime I write 16's they're filled with filler lines.



@Blu, yes it was a play on cumming and thanks for the feed.
Thanks alot BShady and Bender

[WakeUpShow]

bump..

[Block]

I've heard different versions of the cancer /asbestos line before in text battling..

Overall this was solid for a punchline piece. I don't have to tell you that it's not my style, but yeah.. You've elevated alot.

My only advice would be to mix some other aspects of writing in with the punches.. Some storytelling, etc.

[WakeUpShow]

I've heard different versions of the cancer /asbestos line before in text battling..

Overall this was solid for a punchline piece. I don't have to tell you that it's not my style, but yeah.. You've elevated alot.

My only advice would be to mix some other aspects of writing in with the punches.. Some storytelling, etc.

thanks man, I appreciate the feed and I'll heed your advice

[classthe_king]

You're getting a lot better, you're making your filler lines better and making it so they can complete the verse better, which is good. You still need to work on your set ups though (The first line could hit way harder than it did). Since you're advancing along I would also suggest trying some more complex rhyme schemes, a-b's get boring.

[WakeUpShow]

I tried the

--------a
--------a
a-------b
--------b
b-------

in the first 5 lines, but it became to difficult to incorporate that into punches I wrote previous to compiling this. I'm gonna experiment a little more on my next piece. Thanks for the feed and advice

[classthe_king]

Yeah that's what I meant when I said A-B's

[ilovebender.com]

I'm gonna do this just for the hell of it;

'bump..'

[WakeUpShow]

I'm gonna do this just for the hell of it;

'bump..'