Depression

[Blu]

Goin' through changes , and I figured why not write about 'em?

Every day of my life it seems like I'm losing friends
It's not my fault, shit, I'm not the one choosing ends
And sometimes I'm just like fuck it,
What's the point of friends if they're only hurting you
And in the end, it doesn't matter, they're only deserting you
They turn into little slithering snakes
And become a whole lot worse than withering lakes
Shit, maybe I shouldn't be the one poutin'
But I'm still on my rooftop, screamin' and shoutin'
I've had it with this world, I'm tired of life
I'm tired of not going on stage with a mike
I'm tired of being stuck in this cage with a spike
Not knowing if I should end this life with a knife
Maybe I'm just thinkin' too wrong
Or maybe I'm just thinkin' too right,
And maybe I don't deserve to see tonight.

[EyeQ200]

I liked this
It really speaks to me at this moment in time and things i've been through with my own 'friends' before, it was definitely more content driven than technically driven, and i think that's what you may have to look into getting better at, you pulled the concept off well, but i think you need to try to infuse that with more multies, the only bit i didn't particularly feel was this:

I've had it with this world, I'm tired of life
I'm tired of not going on stage with a mike
I'm tired of being stuck in this cage with a spike
Not knowing if I should end this life with a knife

It got a bit repatitive, i know you were going for long multies but it wasn't well pulled off and seemed you was using the same words, other than that, great stuff and keep at it, you sound good on the dark stuff

[EyeQ200]

Bump for Blue right here, newer people to the CW section need more feedback

[VenomBlackViper]

Nice piece man, welcome to the CW section since I ain't seen you post here before.

Content wise this was great, rapping about personal shit always helps. It also flowed pretty good. The multis were alright, pretty basic use of them but you'll get better as you keep writing.

They turn into little slithering snakes
And become a whole lot worse than withering lakes

This is like Eminem on Infinite, using multis for the fuck of them as it didn't really make any sense & you just wanted the impressive multi.

Also ending both bars with the same word to make it rhyme (deserting you/hurting you) is not a good technique to use, you can get away with it sometimes but try to avoid it if possible.

Anyways keep writing & improving brah.

[FreeSpeech]

And become a whole lot worse than withering lakes

Bad. No gives a damn about "withering lakes", unless you're rapping to the EPA, this is stupid.

I've had it with this world, I'm tired of life
I'm tired of not going on stage with a mike
I'm tired of being stuck in this cage with a spike
Not knowing if I should end this life with a knife

What is life? I'm tired of life
I'm tired of backstabbing ass snakes with friendly grins
I'm tired of committing so many sins
Tired of always giving in when this bottle of Henny wins

Blatant "If I Had" ripoff. 100% jacked.

You obviously intended this to be "personal" but it's just a generic 'booohoooo my life sucks' verse. Every sad person on the internet writes verses like this. You didn't say anything unique at all. I'm not trying to be a dick, but since you referenced a stage, I'm assuming you wanna be a rapper? So, I'm just trying to help. Whack.

[Suicide]

And become a whole lot worse than withering lakes

Bad. No gives a damn about "withering lakes", unless you're rapping to the EPA, this is stupid.

I've had it with this world, I'm tired of life
I'm tired of not going on stage with a mike
I'm tired of being stuck in this cage with a spike
Not knowing if I should end this life with a knife

What is life? I'm tired of life
I'm tired of backstabbing ass snakes with friendly grins
I'm tired of committing so many sins
Tired of always giving in when this bottle of Henny wins

Blatant "If I Had" ripoff. 100% jacked.

You obviously intended this to be "personal" but it's just a generic 'booohoooo my life sucks' verse. Every sad person on the internet writes verses like this. You didn't say anything unique at all. I'm not trying to be a dick, but since you referenced a stage, I'm assuming you wanna be a rapper? So, I'm just trying to help. Whack.

Tbh I wouldn't say it was whack. Just average generic type stuff talking about how depressed you are. It was decently done, except for trying to force in multies. Honestly I think heart-felt lines > multies every time. But, that's just me.

Keep writing.

[Static]

Haha, as FreeSpeech, I immediately thought of If I Had when I read those lines. It's like I can hear Em's voice rapping it xD The multies are good, but you use alot of very simple rhymes. (I do that too sometimes though. And in songs like this, I think it's okey, but it would be even better with more complicated rhymes)

And I can definitely relate to this, and I think that's a very important thing. I think alot of people can relate to it actually, cause it's a very common subject. It's so familiar that I could've been the one to write that, if you catch my drift.

Oh, and btw, people are right about the "withering lakes" rhyme though, it doesn't fit at all. But still, it's a pretty good verse if you ask me, and good job on most of the multies. Overall it's a solid verse, keep writing man!

[Blu]

Thanks for the feed guys.

Yeah Freespeech I have to admit that "withering lakes" line was pretty fucking pointless and I only added it for the multi like VBV said.. but anyways thanks for the criticism man, and no you're not being a dick, your feed actually helped, so thanks.

[FreeSpeech]

Thanks for the feed guys.

Yeah Freespeech I have to admit that "withering lakes" line was pretty fucking pointless and I only added it for the multi like VBV said.. but anyways thanks for the criticism man, and no you're not being a dick, your feed actually helped, so thanks.

No prob. You definitely coulda kept the "ithering akes" rhyme scheme. Just don't be so "legalistic" with the rhymes, they don't have to match exactly. Also, try to make your rhyme schemes go more than 2 bars and maybe do it twice a bar.

Ex:
They turn into little writhing slithering snakes
Who knew behind a grinning face they'd be so bitter and fake?
How sick is a fate when you got pain not even liquor abates?
And you sit in your place all day, your eyes flicker with hate

[ilovebender.com]

Goin' through changes , and I figured why not write about 'em?

Every day of my life it seems like I'm losing friends
It's not my fault, shit, I'm not the one choosing ends
And sometimes I'm just like fuck it,
What's the point of friends if they're only hurting you
And in the end, it doesn't matter, they're only deserting you
They turn into little slithering snakes
And become a whole lot worse than withering lakes
Shit, maybe I shouldn't be the one poutin'
But I'm still on my rooftop, screamin' and shoutin'
I've had it with this world, I'm tired of life
I'm tired of not going on stage with a mike
I'm tired of being stuck in this cage with a spike
Not knowing if I should end this life with a knife
Maybe I'm just thinkin' too wrong
Or maybe I'm just thinkin' too right,
And maybe I don't deserve to see tonight.

I'm not actually mad at any of my friends right now, but that's beacause I'm so picky!
& that being the case. , I can't actually fault this.