Wroote for fun

[Maybe]

Throwaway verse written a few days ago. If I end up editing or using it for something I'll delete it.


She told me... time sure flies when you're the pilot...
I wouldn't try to hide it if she'd show me what a smile is,
climb a little higher till' you find whatever this holds,
you'll find the sky is lighter but your spine is still a wishbone,
the crime is in the fist, when her human nature cowers,
and the pike is the brick and you can fumigate the flowers,
"it's the little kid", glints in the reflection on his best blade,
she lifted the cement just to escape his little hedge maze,
amidst the brittle head games, she wonders where the birds fly,
she's given every symbol of her innocence, (her first time),
sacrificed the purity, the only thing that's certain is uncertainty,
and certainly a mess would fit her perfectly...
friendships shatter when you bottle them in glass jars,
if you need to find her you can follow in her track-marks,
yeah... she couldn't breathe... (long enough to read it all),
when the seas the author and the foliage appeases fall...
It's a last kiss... she will sift through what is left,
until she paints another world, through a different colored lens,
...as she counts how many days-are-left...
with a mud covered shovel and a grave-yard-shift...




Feedback link: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=120686
(and much, much more. BTW: Hit me up in a PM for feed if I happen to miss your piece).

[Devil'sAdvocate]

what i love about maybe is the unusual words he uses to rhyme.

[Maybe]

Thanks a lot for the comments guys! I expected this to fully get slept on. I figured my content was becoming redundant at this point haha.

Anyway, I'm glad you guys enjoyed it. I was trying a more "hidden multis" based rhythm for this.

[Ka0t1c]

very well written piece, and breath should be breathe, hopefully it wont throw others off... well done, nice poetic style

[B.A.D.]

for fun???

man, I want to see you get serious then... I loved it, very poetic, I wouln't imagine this for rap, or hip hop for that matter, but I dont think you were going for it.

anyway, what can I feed??
maybe some parts can be considered as exagerated lyrisim, but man.. its very well written and very intelligent. plus the imagery is brill.

great thang man

[ArsheyHaq]

Damn, this was good I could see why you would say this was a throwaway verse (for you), but your below average verses are better than like 90% of what I see online haha

Lemme just highlight a few of your more impressive multies, cuz I have a feeling they might be going over a lot of people's heads (hell, even I may miss some).

the crime is in the fist, when her human nature cowards,
and the pike is the brick and you can fumigate the flowers,
"it's the little kid", glints in the reflection on his best blade,
she lifted the cement just to escape his little hedge maze,
amidst the brittle head games

friendships shatter when you bottle them in glass jars,
if you need to find her you can follow in her track-marks,

It's a last kiss... she will sift through what is left,
until she paints another world, through a different colored lens,
...as she counts how many days-are-left...
with a mud covered shovel and a grave-yard-shift...

And not once did any of that feel forced. You're really good, and I'm glad you posted. You were missed.

[Maybe]

very well written piece, and breath should be breathe, hopefully it wont throw others off... well done, nice poetic style

Fixed. Thanks for pointing it out bro.


@Ax: Yeah man, It's not really "hip-hop", but more a poetic piece with a more rappish flow. Thanks for the feed man, I appreciate every word!

@ArsheyHaq: Damn, I missed your post. Thanks a lot man! I always love your feedback. Yeah, this isn't my best work but I felt it was good enough to post. I may rewrite it and add it to a better piece I'm working on at the moment.

Anyway, thank you man!

[Maybe]

Bump!

[SliK]

Good verse, obviously I'm not sure if you made some typos or something, or maybe its a bit too abstract for me to understand but there were a couple of things I didn't get, like:

"the crime is in the fist, when her human nature cowards,
and the pike is the brick and you can fumigate the flowers,"

Did you mean cowers? And:

"sacrificed the purity, the only thing that's certain is uncertainty,
and certainty a mess would fit her perfectly..."

Did you mean certainly?

Little things like that can trip readers up because if I read something that doesn't make sense to me, I assume I have fucked up so I re-read it. You know what I mean?

Multis and rhyming was REALLY GOOD. I really liked the flow and rhymes in the part I quoted above, when you use assonance like that I really enjoy it. Reminds me of a post EminemBase made about Eminem's line in You're Never Over:

"Try'na process this loss is making me nauseous"


Shit like that is cool and you seem to be good at it, especially just on a throw away.

[Maybe]

Thanks for the comment man. That happens when I type stuff on my phone, copy and post it on here without editing. Those were just a couple of typos, that's all. You got it straight, though. Appreciate it!