Hip-Hop Hit Man

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

i will not be butt hurt by any critic. i wanna know what you guys really think no matter how brutal your opinion is

The enormous amount of wack rappers sticks out like walrus tusks
except you cant count these crappy nauseating inept artists
my enlarged heart for this game, is itchin to tear apart and defame,
any overcharged wannabee MC with a name, cos i deserve fame
Their simple minded, I'm sick in the brain, I'm designed with
a maligned intellect that allows you to unwind through introspect
I've been endowed with a game plan of a wise man
consider me the hip hop hit man because I'm bluer than
papa smurfs balls after he dropped his draws and
aggressively dicked Smurfette intemperately until she let
out a bleak shriek cos his scrotum got immersed within!
but i almost forgot, it does not end there!
the blond bitch begins to flare! he feels it in his skin, the feeling of despair!
with seduction he succumbs to being tied in a chair!
she abstains from letting him cum, and from afar you hear the swears
sick in the head ain't i? the hitman's coming for you, prepare to die!

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=121512

[Enimee]

i liked parts of this, your use of vocab was decent and def phresh, lol, although in alot of places it was kindy of choppy and it seemed like you were jumping from idea to idea in a way, what i would do if i were you is practice elaborating more on one though, complete your sentences in a way and tie the entire piece together so that its more relevant to your overall message...i mean i get what you were trying to do for sure and i like it alot tbh

i would just like to see you develop your thoughts a little further

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

i liked parts of this, your use of vocab was decent and def phresh, lol, although in alot of places it was kindy of choppy and it seemed like you were jumping from idea to idea in a way, what i would do if i were you is practice elaborating more on one though, complete your sentences in a way and tie the entire piece together so that its more relevant to your overall message...i mean i get what you were trying to do for sure and i like it alot tbh

i would just like to see you develop your thoughts a little further

thanks for the feed, man. it is really choppy. i was just rhyming words lmao. didnt pay too much attention to it and you can tell cos the structure of it is terrible. the idea of it is what i liked. can you show me where i jumped from idea to idea tho? just so when i know for when i go to refurbish this. and yeah im not too good on elaborating on one thought.. still try to expand my horizons.. gotten a little better since coming here tho

btw did you understand the whole smurf thing? lol. i wasnt sure if anyone would understand why that little story was in there

[ArsheyHaq]

I can see where you were trying to go with this, but sorry, I don't think it was executed well. I felt like it could've been a lot more funnier, but it came off kinda lazy The rhymes were pretty decent though. I like that you're attempting multies--that's never a bad thing. But there were some parts where I couldn't tell what rhymed with what. Idk about you, but the way I pronounce "walrus tusks" and "artists" doesn't make them rhyme...and was "she let" supposed to rhyme with "within"? Iono, I think if you spend more time on this and rework it, it can actually be some thing pretty entertaining. Right now, it's a joke that fell flat.

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

I can see where you were trying to go with this, but sorry, I don't think it was executed well. I felt like it could've been a lot more funnier, but it came off kinda lazy The rhymes were pretty decent though. I like that you're attempting multies--that's never a bad thing. But there were some parts where I couldn't tell what rhymed with what. Idk about you, but the way I pronounce "walrus tusks" and "artists" doesn't make them rhyme...and was "she let" supposed to rhyme with "within"? Iono, I think if you spend more time on this and rework it, it can actually be some thing pretty entertaining. Right now, it's a joke that fell flat.

thanks for the feed man. i completely agree with you. but not totally with the tusks-artists thing. cos i pronounce it artusts. its a near rhyme so it kinda works. ill probably still change it when i refurbish this tho. there was more i wanted to say but i wanted to stop at 16 bars. i think ill make it longer since im making the beat. thanks for the feed again tho

Your rhyme scheme was creative and awesome. If only you paid more attention to the multis (cause some of them didn't rhyme, like what she let/within) the flow would've been awesome cause now it chops itself in some places (4th line for example)

The concept is great, but like I said it could have been executed better, nahmsayin' ? But that's pretty good, and it has the most important part of rap (in my opinion) = enjoyability.

im glad you liked it cream. yeah i see the choppiness. and im gonna fix it. i already have a wayy better starting line. i didnt like how i started this. this whole verse came out of a line i thought was creative. it was "these wack rappers in this game make me sick, bluer than papa smurfs balls when he fucks smurfette nearly to death and then she doesnt let him cum at the end" which the story was him getting blue balls. so a smurf whose balls are already blue gets blue balls lol. thought it was creative. what do you think?

my favorite part of the verse flow wise was "their simple minded, im sick in the brain, im designed with, a maligned intellect, thats allows you to unwind through introspect"
what was your favorite part?

and yeah i cant listen to a song thats not enjoyable. great content or not, if your shits monotone i wont be listening. delivery is everything. cos people aint going to the stores to buy cds! haahaha ... dont bite that im using it. lol