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[SliK]

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[Man1x]

Dope shit. Love some of your multi's and how you manage to keep the subject in the same area instead of letting it drift off for the sake of the rhyme, cause some people do that.

[SliK]

lol this was dope.

Thanks Bro

I would suggest trying not to reuse a bunch of words in your rhymes. "tongue in her mouth/cum in her mouth" is really just a 1 syllable rhyme, since the rest of the words are the same. But I thought it was funny so it's not a big deal lol. Same goes for "Fucking lips/fucking clips".

Yeah I know, but honestly it was intentional. I really like it when rappers do shit like that tbh, like they leave the last 2-3 syllables exactly the same but rhyme a word (or several words) before the last few syllables. Wayne and Drake do this particularly well. On No Ceilings Wayne says:
"I live on an island, atlantic in my backyard
I just tell me pilot to land it in my back yard"
Obviously this is more complex than the rhymes I used, but I wrote the entire thing in about 10 minutes as a vent and I thought the lines were kind of funny so I used them.

I think you flowed nearly flawlessly except for the end of this part:

So I asked for a paper bag and the bitch was blushing
You average 10 words a minute, man, IF you're lucky
Cos you stutter like a bitch and the shit's disgusting
Bits of mustard flying forth from your fucking lips

Because I wasn't expecting it to switch rhyme schemes, so I kinda tripped up on the flow. But I re-read it and it's good.

Yeah, and tbh that's why I put the "bits of mustard" rhyme in the first half of that last bar, so the rhyme scheme would continue into that bar but would end with a different sound. I think if I was to lay vocals the way it sounds in my head you wouldnt trip. Like you say its hard not to though when you're expecting a certain sound and you get something totally different.

So good work.

Again, thanks bro.

One thing I will say though, whether it was inspired by this, subconsciously done, or just a big coincidence, it reminded me of Royce dissing Bizarre. He talked about food and a speech impediment on Malcolm X lmao.

You know when I thought of the speech impediment line I immediately thought of Malcolm X and almost didn't put it in. But this dude actually has one! Not like Bizarre haha, so I thought "fuck it, I'll still use the speech impediment line but I'll try to use different rhymes". It's not like making fun of someone with a stutter is © Royce Da 5'9"

[SliK]

The only thing not true about it is his sister being ugly... She's actually pretty hot but he loves her dearly and I know it would hurt him.

[Eedee]

That guy you're talking about seems to be like a complete tool. Haha. Nice piece man.

"Ten words a minute, if you're lucky."

[Sam.]

OMFG ! this is dope and a little humorous ,i liked the muhltez you did thar bro,lmao,nice piece man ,thank you for dropping this .

your sister's ugly and she's just been itchin' to FUCK ME
So I asked for a paper bag and the bitch was blushing

I really liked this line .

[Trimss]

Ahaha I have to admit this piece made me laugh.

You average 10 words a minute, man, IF you're lucky
Cos you stutter like a bitch and the shit's disgusting

Poor stuttering men! ahahah

I think technically it was cool, some cool multies and i really like the process of rhyming some syllables before putting the same words too. like the one with wayne.

Funny shit right here!

[J.R.]

Nice this is fire. Wasn't too sure, at first, but I'm glad you're on LMII now.

[SliK]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. It's funny how you can just do good shit when you feel shit haha. That's one advantage of feeling angry/depressed/emotional. I always thought Eminem's diss songs were his best.

Nice this is fire. Wasn't too sure, at first, but I'm glad you're on LMII now.

Thanks man, that verse is more lyrical than this one. Any idea when the song will drop?

[J.R.]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. It's funny how you can just do good shit when you feel shit haha. That's one advantage of feeling angry/depressed/emotional. I always thought Eminem's diss songs were his best.

Nice this is fire. Wasn't too sure, at first, but I'm glad you're on LMII now.

Thanks man, that verse is more lyrical than this one. Any idea when the song will drop?

Uh, I'd say anytime from monday- thursday.

[iain08]

you sound pissed off/disgusted
I liked your rhymes, but the word 'prior' felt awkward in the line

haha, so, you like putting your toung in her mouth?
Because a few days prior I put CUM in her mouth!

overall I really liked the tone/message you were trying to get across, because you nailed it.

[SliK]

'Earlier' had too many syllables lol.

Thanks for the feed bro, appreciate it

[ArsheyHaq]

Your piece was so good that people forgot you didn't have a link of feedback for it. I know you're new, but read the rules. One link of feedback is required in order for you to post, but this section and it's management are kinda shit lately.

[Ka0t1c]

it's simple yet effective rhymes made this piece an interesting read

[Maybe]

I really like the message in this piece. I normally don't judge a song based on content alone, but that's what sold me on this. Either way, it was well written and very comprehensible. Good rhyming, good structure, etc.

9/10.

Good stuff man, hope to see more from you.