Need feedback on a verse I wrote...

[Eedee]

Hey guys. I may or may not use this on a track, but I want feedback. I'll type something at the end and after reading, if you guys agree, just tell me. Thanks!

Some of my friends took notice that I never laughed or smiled,
I tell them "shit's not funny when you don't wanna be alive"
That sobered them up, took heed to my words immediately,
"Fuck that emo bitch" and they just stopped talking to me.
So I just got through the day and got home, pushed my dog aside,
Went upstairs to my room, sat there and just cried.
I cannot describe the feelings of pain if I tried,
I'm doing my best to rap it but nothing seems to apply.
I'd somehow fall asleep and my mind would just subscribe,
to fucking up my life and make me feel even worse just overnight.
I'd take a fucking shower with no interest in life,
I couldn't get out of it no matter what a doc would prescribe.
How could I explain that I fucking cut myself with glass?
How can I complain when the pain was barely enough to mask?
Whatever the day contained I didn't care either way,
A car crash would be quaint or being run over by a train.
The winter wind blows and nips at my fucking face while,
I FUCKING hate this place, death dwarfs it by a mile.
It's a pain in the ass to force a smile at school,
Otherwise faggots in class will ask "What's up with this fool?"
Guess I confided too much, got sent straight to the office,
Got told off for being suicidal like I was a fucking novice.
They even called my mom and told her her son's depressed.
"You better hug him more, your parenting's not impressing us"
I told my mom not to worry, it was just my fucking bitch ex,
Who sent me to rot in hell, this perpetual dark-ness.
It was thanks to rap that slowly I became aware,
That life was full of joy I just had to stand up and stare,
and for the first time in my life, I burst into a smile,
I swear to God I won't EVER fall back again, this shit is SO worthwhile...

Does the last four bars just seem a little bit TOO drastic of an aura change to you? It goes from depressive and sad to "I'm a little prick for being sad, life is good!"... Too drastic of a change?

Also, what do you think of the flow/rhyme scheme/multi's etc?

Thanks for the input, appreciate it, guys.

edit: Shit, forgot Link of Feed, so here it is, sorry!! : viewtopic.php?f=24&t=121695&start=15

[SliK]

I don't think it's too drastic a turn around. It depends really, I think the amount of time spent talking about an issue should reflect the length the issue lasted in real life. Does that make sense? So if you were depressed for 2 years, and it took you 3 months to turn your life around after rap, then no it isn't too drastic at all, because it was a drastic change in your life. Howevrer, if it was gradual, and a real struggle, then I think that should be reflected in your piece. Depression is boring, OVERCOMING depression is amazing. I think it could be expanded, for sure, but it definitely isn't too drastic by any means.


Only thing I would suggest is add some multis, if you can. Even 2 syllable rymes can take something for a 6 to an 8. Also it seemed like a few of your rhymes didn't quite match up, for example:

"Some of my friends took notice that I never laughed or smiled,
I tell them "shit's not funny when you don't wanna be alive"

They even called my mom and told her her son's depressed.
"You better hug him more, your parenting's not impressing us"



I see what you were going for there, but I don't think it quite works on paper. Maybe if you layed vocals you could morph the words enough to rhyme. Maybe that's what you're already doing in your head, I don't know.

For example, you could have said:
"They even called my mom and told her her son's depressed.
You're failing as a parent and we're really unimpressed"

That was just a quick idea, but you get what I mean.


One more (positive) thing:
"How could I explain that I fucking cut myself with glass?
How can I complain when the pain was barely enough to mask?"


The internals there are great. explain, complain, pain, then different rhymes on the end, glass and mask. Very cool. Like I said though, if you had ended those bars with multis that would be the dopest fucking thing haha. But they don't quite match up, if you made it "cut with glass" it would rhyme much better with "e-nough to mask"

[Ka0t1c]

well, i didn't notice any rhymes really for the first 4 bars, however after that, it drastically changed, i liked this piece a lot better than the last one i seen from you, i didn't really see any need to change anything after you redone some lines. very impressed with how it came out.

[Eedee]

Thanks for the replies, guys!

Sorry about the first few bars, although in my head it was "immediate-ly (lee)/ me".

Alive/smile kinda has the same assonance. "al-eye-ve/ sm-eye-le"... oh well. Glad the rest was okay though!

[JamaicanPattlez]

Rhyming wise it needs a bit of work, but I really love the content. It was dark and I could feel darkness in it, like a story. As I read on, I could envision the story unfolding. Then, the end was you becoming happy, and it felt good reading that. As said before, unless it's amazing, no one wants to think about depression and even if it's good, you still get that "Whoa" effect. Nice job homie, keep it up!

[Eedee]

Rhyming wise it needs a bit of work, but I really love the content. It was dark and I could feel darkness in it, like a story. As I read on, I could envision the story unfolding. Then, the end was you becoming happy, and it felt good reading that. As said before, unless it's amazing, no one wants to think about depression and even if it's good, you still get that "Whoa" effect. Nice job homie, keep it up!

Glad I gave it the "whoa" effect haha xD

Anyways, appreciate the review, man.

[JamaicanPattlez]

No problem homie! Keep it up! Oh, also...

What helps me with flowing is rapping it out, and if the flow doesn't match together, I rewrite the line with a suitable word that fits. Changing up the flow is fun but tricky if you don't know how. Think of it as a way for you to experiment, and that's always fun!

[Trimss]

I'd take a fucking shower with no interest in life,
I couldn't get out of it no matter what a doc would prescribe.
How could I explain that I fucking cut myself with glass?
How can I complain when the pain was barely enough to mask?

This is my favorite moment in the verse, I like the way you asked the questions. It's kinda a powerful piece, i like it. But it seems like you're really depressed over a "bitch-ex" bro, the sequel to this should be a "Kim" type song. ahaha

I'm not a professional about multies but I don't think I saw a lot of them, and like Slik pointed it out some internals are cool.

Overall it's a really cool piece.