There's a fine line between love and hate

by **SliK** » May 14th, '10, 15:55

I've gotta take the time to air some emotional baggage
I'm not proposing a marraige but is love supposed to be savage?
He's been exposed as just average, but he atones for all that shit
he says he's got a broken heart, well I've taken a hattrick
bent over backwards on some breakin' my back shit
pulled rabbits outta hats just to make you see magic
loving you is killing me, I'm as frail as a match stick
all for some crap which was less than fantastic
And if that aint some wack shit, we can't even be friends?
Well that's the last straw, my heart's pleading revenge
but I needent contend, because I know how you feel
It's now too real to even pretend
So you keep running til your feet are all broken
because there's no running from the feelings you've woken
I'll finish this verse, without even a quote and
say a hundred FUCK YOUs, that needn't be spoken

feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=121040

edited in feed link and changed the wording of the last bar

by **SliK** » May 15th, '10, 02:35

No feed?

by **SliK** » May 20th, '10, 05:20

Last bump I'm gonna give it. Thanks to anyone who read it :flower:

by **SliK** » Aug 15th, '11, 01:24

Wrote this ages ago and didn't get any feed. I feel it's quite good though. Content, flow, rhymes etc but feedback is what makes people improve

by **Eedee** » Aug 15th, '11, 01:36

SliK wrote:I've gotta take the time to air some emotional baggage
I'm not proposing a marraige but is love supposed to be savage?
He's been exposed as just average, but he atones for all that shit
he says he's got a broken heart, well I've taken a hattrick
bent over backwards on some breakin' my back shit
pulled rabbits outta hats just to make you see magic
loving you is killing me, I'm as frail as a match stick
all for some crap which was less than fantastic
And if that aint some wack shit, now we can't even be friends?
Well that's the last straw, now my heart's pleading revenge
but I needent contend, because I know how you feel
It's now too real to even pretend
So you keep running til your feet are all broken
because there's no running from the feelings you've woken
I'll finish this verse, without even a quote and
say a hundred FUCK YOUs, that don't need to be spoken

Dude. Nice! I like the flow you have on the first 8 lines, where you rhyme two syllables for 8 lines. Very nice man. :y:

I like your final lines.

"I'll finish this verse, without even a quote and,
say a hundred FUCK YOUs, that don't need to be spoken"

Great way to end, but it sounds better if you change it to "say a hundred FUCK YOUs that need not be spoken." I think that flows better and sounds a bit better (the grammar seems off with your version). Other that than, great work. Can't believe this wasn't fed before!

by **SliK** » Aug 15th, '11, 01:55

You might've missed a few of the rhymes, I was going for more than a double syllable rhyme..

"I've gotta take the time to air some emotional baggage
I'm not proposing a marraige but is love supposed to be savage?
He's been exposed as just average, but he atones for all that shit
he says he's got a broken heart, well I've taken a hattrick
bent over backwards on some breakin' my back shit
pulled rabbits outta hats just to make you see magic
loving you is killing me, I'm as frail as a match stick"

I like your suggestion for the finishing line though, good idea. I really need to stop making my verses so informal, because there are times when you can word verses so poetically and have it come off much better. Thank you for the feedback.

by **Eedee** » Aug 15th, '11, 01:59

SliK wrote:You might've missed a few of the rhymes, I was going for more than a double syllable rhyme..

"I've gotta take the time to air some emotional baggage
I'm not proposing a marraige but is love supposed to be savage?
He's been exposed as just average, but he atones for all that shit
he says he's got a broken heart, well I've taken a hattrick
bent over backwards on some breakin' my back shit
pulled rabbits outta hats just to make you see magic
loving you is killing me, I'm as frail as a match stick"

I like your suggestion for the finishing line though, good idea. I really need to stop making my verses so informal, because there are times when you can word things so poetically and have it come off much better. Thank you for the feedback.

Shit. I said two syllables. I meant two words. My bad dude!!

by **WakeUpShow** » Aug 15th, '11, 02:32

wow! great shit man, i love seeing good rappers dropping shit! You got slept on for a few months :shakehead:

You're a great rhymer and the content was tight, keep it up :b:

by **SliK** » Aug 15th, '11, 06:49

This was only my third or fourth piece, I just figured it was crappy and nobody had the heart to tell me haha.

@Cosh: I'm glad it was me getting slept on, as opposed to me just not being up to par. Thank you for putting my mind at easy, I appreciate it.

@Geno: I appreciate the contructive criticism, it's the only way it will help me. If I tell you what I was going for, and explain how I tried to achieve it, do you think you could give me pointers?

I was trying to rhyme "It's now too real to even pretend" with the rhyme scheme before it, for example

And if that aint some wack shit, now we can't even be friends?
Well that's the last straw, now my heart's pleading revenge
but I needent contend, because I know how you feel
It's now too real to even pretend

I thought by adding the internals feel and real it would carry on the flow nicely enough to make it to the last rhyme.

To pull this off better, should I have maybe continued the "even pretend" rhyme into the first half of the next bar? So something like:

And if that aint some wack shit, now we can't even be friends?
Well that's the last straw, now my heart's pleading revenge
but I needent contend, because I know how you feel
It's now too real to even pretend
Steaming ahead til your feet are all broken
because there's no running from the feelings you've woken
I'll finish this verse, without even a quote and
say a hundred FUCK YOUs, that needn't be spoken

Please forgive that horrible rhyme that makes no sense but I start work in 12 minutes haha. Let me know what you think.

I also edited in a post where I have supplied feedback, and will feed your piece when I get home from work. Thanks!

by **SliK** » Aug 15th, '11, 16:29

I wasn't trying to rhyme pretend and broken though. In my head it wad a totally new rhyme scheme. Like it wasn't "bro-ken" and "pro-tend". It wad more like:

Need-ent-ken-tend / eve-en-preh-tend /

Then a completely new rhyme scheme:

Feet-are-all-bro-ken / feel-ings-you've-woh-ken / eve-en-a-quote-'nd

I think because of my Australian accent the words sound much different in my head than they do in yours. Unless I am totally misunderstanding your point. Listen to Art House Audio by Bliss n Eso and in the second verse you will hear how I sound.

by **SliK** » Aug 15th, '11, 16:41

Yeah I can totally understand what you're saying. I hope you don't think I was arguing the point, I was just trying to clarify exactly what you meant. I really do appreciate your feedback. I think I need to be more aware that not everything sounds the same in readers heads as they do in mine. Maybe I could try writing my rhymes with an American accent in my head, I actually tend to read other people's pieces in an American accent so it won't be much of an adjustment to do it to mine.

Again man, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to explain this to me.

by **JamaicanPattlez** » Aug 15th, '11, 18:36

Can't believe no one saw this until later! Nice rhyming. :y:

There's a fine line between love and hate

There's a fine line between love and hate

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Re: There's a fine line between love and hate

Re: There's a fine line between love and hate

Re: There's a fine line between love and hate

Re: There's a fine line between love and hate

Re: There's a fine line between love and hate

Re: There's a fine line between love and hate

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