Rage Of The Pen

[JamaicanPattlez]

Verse:
Fuckin' calamity, damn it he's changing my Rap CD,
Bluffin' he's bad but see, he doesn't know about Rhapsody,
And actually he's practically the chick from the flick Amity,
I'm like a manatee drinking banana tea, this shit's like a fantasy,
My family makes tragedies, they're factually wacky, you see,
Cause the knack for acting black is in their capacities,
Now it's back to you fool, and I ain't done with you yet,
You think I won't blast you in your fuckin' goon head?
You've thought this dude's a clown, well I ain't your Loonette,
I got some news for you, douche, I went and fucked your brunette,
In your bed with her friend, and then she had to bring Miley,
She gave me head 'till I bled then she gave me a smiley,
Then I flossed with her thong, dog, it felt fucking wrong,
But she was gone with her bong, writing songs about Ganj',
And I also sold the tape, so today I'm waiting for payday,
Yeah I'm cold with no soul, but now I feel like I'm Ray J.

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122108

[Eedee]

wow man. Huge improvement!! The only thing I'd change is make it "shits a fantasy" and I think it would flow better.

The multis and storytelling is vivid and insane. Good work man!!

[JamaicanPattlez]

:worship: wow man. Huge improvement!! The only thing I'd change is make it "shits a fantasy" and I think it would flow better.

The multis and storytelling is vivid and insane. Good work man!!

Thank you bro! I thought this one was gonna get slept on! For this one, Underground from Relapse came to mind.

[Eedee]

Haha yeah man. Underground works great for this!

Think you can feed me back? viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122278 It's quite long, but well worth it!

[JamaicanPattlez]

Haha yeah man. Underground works great for this!

Think you can feed me back? viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122278 It's quite long, but well worth it!

Way ahead of ya, already did! Check out "Crazy Afternoons"! viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122265

[JamaicanPattlez]

That was pretty dope man, I liked the rhyme schemes.

Thanks man! It took 30 minutes to write, so I hope it's a good thing!

[Eedee]

Haha yeah man. Underground works great for this!

Think you can feed me back? viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122278 It's quite long, but well worth it!

Way ahead of ya, already did! Check out "Crazy Afternoons"! viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122265

Thanks for the feed man.

I have a new track up called "Triumphant" in Audio Stage. Care to feed? viewtopic.php?f=38&t=122313

[JamaicanPattlez]

Haha yeah man. Underground works great for this!

Think you can feed me back? viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122278 It's quite long, but well worth it!

Way ahead of ya, already did! Check out "Crazy Afternoons"! viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122265

Thanks for the feed man.

I have a new track up called "Triumphant" in Audio Stage. Care to feed? viewtopic.php?f=38&t=122313

No problem man! I liked it! Check out Crazy Afternoons though. :P

[MikeNUFC]

Not bad. Flow was fine and the storytelling was decent. The rhyming was so-so but the overall assonance/consonance made the piece sound better. Good stuff.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Not bad. Flow was fine and the storytelling was decent. The rhyming was so-so but the overall assonance/consonance made the piece sound better. Good stuff.

Thank you! Any advice on things to work on?

[Maybe]

Not bad, but a bit heavy on the Eminem influence, which isn't always a great thing. Regardless, the rhyming was decent, and the flow was definitely there. You're not far from making some good quality stuff, and this reflects potential (a lot of it).

Keep it up.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thank you! I'm gonna practice rhyming and read the dictionary.