Take a Breath, Pt. 2

[Man1x]

Feed Link: http://forum.trshady.com/posting.php?mode=reply&f=24&t=122265

Welcome to a land full of detrimental pain/
This instrumental is my bane, sent true felt calls to my dame/
Cue Jekyll to say that he has something to Hyde/
Life is in a desperate search, coming to find/
Fussing to the line in the search of identity/
Above snide entities that defined fending for the lead/
Send us the key to open to gates of a new path/
Let us leave this world with a few laughs/
My crew is last but with our screwed pasts/
True blasts of intelligence come with ease/
Throw in my two cents, some will freeze/
At least feast on my deeds, I'm an ill breeze/
Geez, keep still please/
Build peace to ensure a better future/
We live on Earth, we got to set her few truths/
In view for all to see, time to break what's left/
Let's all just take a breath/

[Man1x]

Anything I should improve on? I also took a long time on this one and half of it was written before I even released part 1 but I went back and changed it up. I'm thankful for your advice man.

[Man1x]

Thanks!

[Matt Holck]

reach to unlock urlocks underground with key
with laughter clanking crusty locks
chested expanded boast hosts self created post
laughter makes it bearable


Throw in my two cents, some will freeze/

nice line this poem was the first to draw my interest here

http://allpoetry.com/poem/8908461-_reac ... Matt_Holck

http://www.messagefrommasters.com/Stori ... iends8.htm

[Man1x]

Thanks! I put another one out too called "The Underworld". Feedback on that one would be appreciated aswell. It's longer than this one and my most recent.

[FlintSpark]

Feed Link: http://forum.trshady.com/posting.php?mode=reply&f=24&t=122265
Welcome to a land full of detrimental pain/
This instrumental is my bane, sent true felt calls to my dame/

True blasts of intelligence come with ease/
Throw in my two cents, some will freeze/

In view for all to see, time to break what's left/
Let's all just take a breath/

Loved those lines the most. Ended the piece well and rhyming was solid, just seemed a tad bit simple for this type of piece, but that doesn't make it bad at all. I haven't checked the first one to see if this one is better, but will do. Not a bad piece at all, i liked it. If you have time feed viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122641. Having a hard time getting any.

[Man1x]

Thanks for feeback, ill feed your when I get home for sure.

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

flow is a bit choppy cos of poor structure. you had some decent rhymes but nothing really complex. your transitioning from rhyme schemes could also use improvement. no hate, just my two pennies. if you could return the pennies that be great

[Man1x]

Alright, how can I improve my structure, flow, rhymes, and transitioning? It would be appreciated

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

Alright, how can I improve my structure, flow, rhymes, and transitioning? It would be appreciated

well if you were raping this to a beat, you would want your bars to be the same length, or else its gonna sound fucked up and not mesh with the beat... unless the length of the beat changes or some shit. and thats usually when u hear the music just stop cos the line was too long for the beat. or you could go twista and speed up the line, and even then the flow is fucked up and not smooth. you follow?

you could make the transition better by using the rhyme scheme earlier in the line. hope thats understandable lmao.

and as for rhymes. just try to be creative with your rhyme schemes. i try to be different. for me, a complex rhyme scheme is the key to longevity. before it gets recorded and put to a beat obviously. but you seem to be new so just keep at it man. pay attention to other rappers. not all will be great obviously but you should be able to tell

[Matt Holck]

Welcome to a land full of detrimental pain/
This instrumental is my bane,
sent true felt calls to my dame/

Cue Jekyll to say
that he has something to Hyde/
Life is in a desperate search,
coming (in)to find/

Fussing to the line
in the search of identity/
Above snide entities
that defined fending for the lead/

Send us the key
to open to gates of a new path/
Let us leave
this world with a few laughs/
My crew is last
but with our screwed pasts/
True blasts of intelligence
come with ease/
Throw in my two cents,
some will freeze/
At least feast on my deeds,
I'm an ill breeze/
Geez, keep still please/

Build peace to ensure a better future/
We live on Earth, we got to set her few truths/
In view for all to see, time to break what's left/
Let's all just take a breath/

it's easier to spot parallel and dissonance with more line breaks

stanzas help with transitions
people will understand a new thought train has begun