Overtake. ~track 10

[J.R.]

Hey yo...
Sometimes you just feel like, shits gonna overtake you...
and right now...
I wouldn't doubt that for a second.

So, every night I ask myself what happened to me,
turn off the lights take some aspirin, and shut off the tv,
go to bed lay down and struggle to fall asleep due to my thoughts,
I am tempted to stay down and snuggle with death, blew up what i sought,
This bitch who had two timed me, I opted to forgive and all of a sudden,
she was actually sorry and it often hit me and it was real, sorry like joe budden,
and I couldn't ponder why, but even though I had got what i want,
Everything was pissing me off, bout to blow up cuz these demons tend to haunt,
and I lent my heart and now I'm falling for the bitch again, in pain when we aren't spending time,
Spend some time with me, It's not the same, but lets make like that eminem song and shine,
and shes flirty as shit an hugs me every single day, and I'm getting annoyed,
even when I'm dirty as dirt she comes my way, and I hope I ain't another toy,
I hope she actually change and what she said was true, but I can't seem to cope,
ever since work begun again, I got the blues and I just stopped seeking hope,
I don't know, but all I know is, people think I'm wack, I'm about done,
I'm about to pick up the chorus of "It's been real" and go out at number none..
Then theres gonna be people who criticize from this track and say "hang it up"
I learned from my hate, and learned from my lies, look into my eyes, enough...

[Man1x]

This has a great feel to it an it stayed on one subject however, there weren't many multis and the flow was a little choppy. That is unless I'm not reading the words you intended to rhyme. That might be the case and I'm sorry if I read this wrong, if I did give me a start point and I'll go back over it. I love the emotion though and almost makes up for the lack rhymes (again if I'm missing them I'm sorry). Feedback on my piece would also be appreciated but you don't have to: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122680

[J.R.]

I'll feed this weekend bro.

[Man1x]

Thanks bro, and I really felt the emotion if that was the objective.

[J.R.]

Thanks bro, and I really felt the emotion if that was the objective.

Definitely. some tracks are rhyming, some are fuck rhyming, emotional overflow kicks in and i could give a fuckless about rhymes. It rhymes in general, just not complex.

[Man1x]

^ There is truth in that. Rhymes can take away emotion however, if you do them right it won't take away. Plus the delivery can put some emotion as well. Still, emotionally good track.

[J.R.]

Thanks man. More feed from others?

[FlintSpark]

and shes flirty as shit an hugs me every single day, and I'm getting annoyed,
even when I'm dirty as dirt she comes my way, and I hope I ain't another toy,
I hope she actually change and what she said was true, but I can't seem to cope,
ever since work begun again, I got the blues and I just stopped seeking hope,
I don't know, but all I know is, people think I'm wack, I'm about done,
I'm about to pick up the chorus of "It's been real" and go out at number none..
Then theres gonna be people who criticize from this track and say "hang it up"
I learned from my hate, and learned from my lies, look into my eyes, enough...[/quote]

Liked those lines untill it ended with enough. Just the word itself seems out of place to me. At some points the lines seemed stretched out but i can understand since emotional pieces want to make you say alot about a subject. Not bad at all just could use some work. I recently put up an emotional piece but can't get any feed, so if you can take the time, viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122641 please and thank you.