New verse, (STORYTELLING)...

[RainMan44]

Link of feedback: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=119196


NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE, I DID NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE WITH THE BEANER/NIKKA LINE...just writing what I feel. It's a story. Made up.


"I hate this hoe, I'm fully capable
Of breaking this cunt's neck in half, but I'll calm down and take it slow
For a second flat, just relax my mind (where demented thoughts run free)
I wanna crack her spine, (she turnin' me to the next Bundy)
Done 3 dudes in the past month, her damn cunt
Is so stretched out, I can hide in it incase of a man hunt
Ran up to the first dude that I seen her with
Some beaner spick, who 'bout to get his wiener slit
I ran through their path near the fuckin' side walk
Saw my bitch, automatically her head and her eyes dropped
I popped, 3 shots he was down in cold blood
Now she lookin' at me like I'm a sociopath type of dude who shows no love
The cops showed up, to no avail
Those cowards wanna see me go to jail, where they'll put me in the coldest cell
I let the bitch live, so the hoe is well, but weeks later
I was right back up again, shreddin' scalps like a cheese grater
I spotted her at a cafe with another man,
I quickly flipped the switch, now I'm in the mode of The Son of Sam
My gun in hand, I'm 'bout to snap like a rubber band
Something that you "normal folks" just won't seem to understand
I hit the bitch, ripped the nikkaz chest open
I left him with his skull split, his teeth shattered and his vest broken
Soon to be a culprit, once again I let the hoe slip
But I PROMISE, next time I'm takin' no shit
3rd time, I creeped up to her window and peeped in
And what I saw this time left me weakened, feelin' like I'm drowin' in the deep end
Another one, fuck it, NOW, I swear she done too
I grabbed the gun, remembered the Art of War by Sun Tzu
I let her slip one few, many times, now that's over with
I shot with precise aim and proceeded to blow the bitch
She layin' in a red pool of blood, the man she with tried runnin'
I hit him with the amount of bullets you'd expect from 5 gunmen
Left the cops thinkin' "Who the heck?," went home and slept
Woke up the next day, read the paper, I'm prone for death
But what amazed me was not what the front page said
It was the fact that it read "A woman and her 3 cousins dead"
So all the while I was lettin' the fuckin' heater spit
It was her cousins she was with
.......catchin' up 'cause they ain't seen eachother for four years
I fell to my knees and broke into cold tears (*GUNSHOT*)"

[RainMan44]

Lol, I really liked the ending man. This was pretty good for storytelling - and don't apologizing for using certain words, it's rap man, it's an expression of emotion and if people get offended - good!

All in all, the rhyming was evident throughout and although it wasn't littered with multies, it still sounded well - sometimes you gotta sacrifice multies to make the better story and this is a good one

One question...why highlight the rhymes? I think it's better - for me personally - to let people discover it on their own. It was a nice little touch up, I suppose though lol

Good one homie.

Haha I know man, the only reason I DID apologize is so I wouldn't risk having this locked or deleted since I knew the "N-word" is not allowed.

And thanks a lot for the feedback buddy

Also, I highlighted because I figured nobody would really dig deep into MY rhymes...I guess I thought that's something only hardcore Em fans do for Em's lyrics

Thanks again for the feed bro

[mdemaz]

Don't apologize man..Who cares what people think about your lyrics.
Btw, I liked this more than your other set of bars.
The structure seems to be a lot more on point and the storytelling elements are blending together with the comedic lines and punches in a manner that is incredible.
Keep stacking ammo bro.

[RainMan44]

Don't apologize man..Who cares what people think about your lyrics.
Btw, I liked this more than your other set of bars.
The structure seems to be a lot more on point and the storytelling elements are blending together with the comedic lines and punches in a manner that is incredible.
Keep stacking ammo bro.

Thanks a lot bro, no more apologizing haha

And also, once I find a beat, I will clean this up, add some more bars, turn it into a full 3 verse w/ choruses type song.

Thanks for the feed

[RainMan44]

Bumpppppppppppppp

[ArsheyHaq]

I agree with the first thing that Geno said.

But I really liked your rhyme scheme though. I don't think I've seen anything quite like it executed before. Like how you rhymed something almost two bars later while having a plethora of other rhymes in between:

I quickly flipped the switch, now I'm in the mode of The Son of Sam
My gun in hand, I'm 'bout to snap like a rubber band
Something that you "normal folks" just won't seem to understand
I hit the bitch, ripped the nikkaz chest open

I wanna try that some time.

Anyways, it was pretty decent story-telling. I didn't like the ending too much though lol why would he feel bad for killing her? So what if she didn't cheat three times...she cheated twice already for Christ's sake haha

[WakeUpShow]

Wow, you're a good rhymer. And the fact that you mixed up the different rhymes and put them throughout the lines makes me believe you were inspired by Lose Yourself haha. I love the line: "Some beaner spick, who's bout to get his wiener split' Flow was slick throughout. My only complaint is that you resorted to 1 syllable rhyming for those 2 lines but I figure they were necessary to propel the story to the ending. Great surprise twist at the end of a great drop

[RainMan44]

Wow, you're a good rhymer. And the fact that you mixed up the different rhymes and put them throughout the lines makes me believe you were inspired by Lose Yourself haha. I love the line: "Some beaner spick, who's bout to get his wiener split' Flow was slick throughout. My only complaint is that you resorted to 1 syllable rhyming for those 2 lines but I figure they were necessary to propel the story to the ending. Great surprise twist at the end of a great drop

Thanks for the feed bro

[RainMan44]

Since you highlighted the rhymes, it leads me to believe you were focused a little too much on the multies, which ended making them simpler than you probably planned. I don't think there is a multi with more than 3 syllables, and they're not even that plentiful, which also kind of threw the flow off for me.

As a story though, it was decent. It told the story fine, so

But I think you bit this (maybe even subconsciously, I do that sometimes) from Royce.

She layin' in a red pool of blood, the man she with tried runnin'
I hit him with the amount of bullets you'd expect from 5 gunmen

Royce:

Comin with five gunmen, waitin to do a drive-by
So when you see the black 500 (what?) hide from it

Now that I look at it, maybe not. I think it just flowed similar haha.

Mind feeding mine?

And Geno...I ain't forgot. I still owe you feed haha.

[SliK]

I liked it man, I like a story that flows and the use of multies were great.

I wouldn't highlight rhymes next time though, for me I think even you missed some of your own rhymes haha, for example:

I hit the bitch, ripped the nikkaz chest open
I left him with his skull split

I can see more rhymes in there than that, I'll highlight what I can see and the words that rhyme in my head:

I hit the bitch, ripped the nikkaz chest open
I left him with his skull split

Definitely not havinbg a go at you, like I said I like the piece