Whodunit?

[Mr Change]

Alright basically I was just trying write a song with a good concept, and it's the first time i've really thought I had a good idea. I can rhyme way better than this, but it was kinda hard going with the story and rhyming alot soo yeah. The story i'm trying to get across is this dude is found dead in a dumpster and the verses are the statements of a couple people who the detectives/cops(?) brought in to question about it. Each character is different and might have different motives to kill the dude, which I ended up naming Scotty...

Constructive critism is appreciated
(the bold in part of the 4th verse is another character cutting in)




Look, it wasn’t me who coulda’ killed the dude
I went straight home and got on the phone with my bro after school
Didn’t leave the house, I didn’t sneak out
Just sittin’ on my bed, told my bro ‘Peace out’ and took a nap
I’m offended about how your telling’ me I killed him
Didn’t know the guy personally, and still don’t
George or something? I don’t even know his name
All I know is you think I done it ‘cause he sorta made
Me mad that day when he kicked my knee
And knocked my trey loose, then called me gay
All because I refused to give him my juice
Which spilled on the way down to the floor, sure
He was a bully, you think I don’t know that?
I couldn’t even remember if he owned a Rolling Stones hat
But I didn’t stab the dude and put him in the back of that dump
So let me be and leave me outta this, alright? -Chuck

*Footsteps, door closing*


Man watchu’ mean you think I mighta did this?
Why would I kill my own dog, man, I miss him!
I hate this decision, puttin’ me up in in the booth like I’m some kinda suspect
When I was just at his house the other day eatin’ supper with his mom and her husband!
You’re wrong, I knew this dude like my whole fricken’ life
Why would I try to stab my own homie in the shoulder, with a kitchen knife
Makes me sick, makes me think about who really done it
I’d kill that dude in a heartbeat, rip out his stomach
*sobs* All I have his is Rollin’ Stones hat to remember him
And if I ever find out the guy who did, Imma kill him!
And I don’t care what kind of cops hear it
‘cause these are the same cops sayin’ that I’m the one who did it!
Screw you guys, I gotta get ready and go talk to his family and his mom
It’s gonna be hard for all of us, and you guys just make it worse, -Tom

*Chair squeaking, stomping, door slam*


Uhh, my names Susanne, not Susannah
You wrote it wrong on the form, and I want you to learn your manners
Puttin’ a lady like myself in a room like this, dark as piss
With a light bulb right in front of my lips
It’s crazy, I mean, I’m the one who found the body
You guys should thank me, otherwise you’d still be searchin’ for Scotty
I was riding my bike home from school down the street as I do usually
When I look to a dumpster and see a leg with a shoe connected, hanging freely
Drove over and opened it up and saw a guy stuck in it, his skull bent in
And brutally stabbed all over his body from end to end!
It was horrible, but seriously, me, a suspect?
I’m just a freshman at the school man I ain’t old ‘nuff yet
How could I have killed a jock, how could I have stabbed him in his heart?
It’s not hard to answer, why would I have a reason to do that?
Just think for yourselves once, I didn’t kill him, -Susanne

*Sound of high heeled footsteps, door slams*


Alright I’ll tell you right now it wasn’t me or Rodger
He came home with me that day after school, and we babysat his cousins daughter
I wasn’t mad at Scott, we just couldn’t get along
I had to leave him, ‘cause I found a boy I love
Yeah man, I mean, really-- I didn’t have a grudge
We both needed someone to hug, sorry I took the guys girl
Plus we couldn’t have had anything to do with it
I’m just a small girl, and he’s a pacifist
Plus we’re all white, so there’s no chance it was prejudice
Hush, why would be fight with him, he’s the one who was jealous
He was careless too, and his parents never made me feel welcome
And look at it this way, I couldn’t have hurt the guy
Do you know how much he lifted? Shoot, neither do I
But I’ve heard he lifted a lot, I mean, this guy was strong
And I guarantee he wouldn’t stop after one shot with a knife in his arm
We’re not trying to find a way out, we’ll help you look up and down this town
But we wouldn’t apart of it, if we knew and could’ve we would’ve stopped it
We would have, got it? My name’s Harley and he’s Rodger
And that’s Rodger with a D…pardon

*Two pairs of footsteps, door being closed*


*Footsteps walking down steps, then on blacktop. Sound of someone getting in a car*

*Sigh*
Well, looks like none of these kids are gonna fess up
It has to be one of ‘em, the police’ll find the right suspect
At first, I coulda’ swore it would have been Chuck
The boy gets bullied a lot at school, just dumb luck
And Tom, I really feel sorry for the guy
But he was with Scott at all times, and had easy access to a knife
I really hope the guy isn’t the one they convict
If they put him in the jail for this it might just make me sick
And Susanne, she was a bad pick for this
She’s a freshman at the school, and is as skinny as a tooth pick
No way she could’ve done that, coulda’ shoulda’ blamed someone else
Harley and Rodger, now they got it cut out for themselves
Anyone would have picked them at first sight
They’re lucky that they’re being honest, and watching what they say in every line
But I think it’s ‘bout time for the judge to make a decision
I just hope it stays cool and no one figures out it was me, -Sheriff Pierson

feed: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122090

[Suicide]

I loved the ending. But, try to focus on rhyming. First piece I've checked out from you I think. But, this is a good concept and pretty well executed. Except some of the rhymes seemed sloppy in some places.

I'll go more in depth if you want me to. Keep up the good work though.

[Mr.DGAF]

Don't you need to provide feed to post a piece? Anyway, I do like the idea. It's pretty good and original. The rhyming wasn't superb, but I get that you were trying to stick with the theme for the story so it's understandable.

[ArsheyHaq]

AHAHA I loved the ending. It made the whole thing a little more satisfying to read. Your story-telling skills were pretty good, but your rhyming brought your piece down quite a bit. And yes, I know you said that you weren't focused on rhyming too much, but I really think you should have since we are on a rap forum lol otherwise it's just a novel... There were some lines that I really tried hard to find rhymes in but could not. Lines like this I can forgive because I could see how one could bend the sound:

"I’m offended about how your telling’ me I killed him
Didn’t know the guy personally, and still don’t"

BUT this was just bad:

"All because I refused to give him my juice
Which spilled on the way down to the floor, sure"

Is 'juice' supposed to rhyme with 'sure'? Anyway, just work on that. Once you do that we can talk about flow. Otherwise I didn't have many other complaints. You seem to know what you're doing with setting up a plot and all. And, once again, really dug the ending that kinda stuff will make your readers/listeners wanna come back for more.

Also, I noticed you didn't provide a link of feed, but I know you've been providing quite a bit of feedback so all is forgiven

[Mr Change]

double post oops

[Mr Change]

I loved the ending. But, try to focus on rhyming. First piece I've checked out from you I think. But, this is a good concept and pretty well executed. Except some of the rhymes seemed sloppy in some places.

I'll go more in depth if you want me to. Keep up the good work though.

Glad to see that the end came off good lol, I didn't know if I executed it good so its good to know some clarification on that. Now it's time to focus on making good natural rhymes in my future pieces, thanks!

AHAHA I loved the ending. It made the whole thing a little more satisfying to read. Your story-telling skills were pretty good, but your rhyming brought your piece down quite a bit. And yes, I know you said that you weren't focused on rhyming too much, but I really think you should have since we are on a rap forum lol otherwise it's just a novel... There were some lines that I really tried hard to find rhymes in but could not. Lines like this I can forgive because I could see how one could bend the sound:

"I’m offended about how your telling’ me I killed him
Didn’t know the guy personally, and still don’t"

BUT this was just bad:

"All because I refused to give him my juice
Which spilled on the way down to the floor, sure"

Is 'juice' supposed to rhyme with 'sure'? Anyway, just work on that. Once you do that we can talk about flow. Otherwise I didn't have many other complaints. You seem to know what you're doing with setting up a plot and all. And, once again, really dug the ending that kinda stuff will make your readers/listeners wanna come back for more.

Also, I noticed you didn't provide a link of feed, but I know you've been providing quite a bit of feedback so all is forgiven

Ahhhh great to hear from somone like yourself dude i'm really satisfied that the story-telling came off good that's like I said what I was really going for. Now I just to improve on the rhyming and story-telling when I do em at one time huh lol and as for that one quote you put, yeah. They're are a couple lines that i'm sure probably come off bad, but most of it is kind of spoken. Other lines like the one you listed are kind of just one liners that stop the flow without rhyming with the before or after bars.

Thanks for all the criticism guys forreal

added feed-

[Mr Change]

bump