First Piece

[Suicide]

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123620

First this started out as a song, but I just couldn't keep on track so I just posted 12 lines. First piece posted and hopefully many more will come. Tbh I struggled with this piece a bit.

You don't got to be drug dealers or killers of time
To be the illest to rhyme, just be the realest in line
You'll shine, be yourself it's good for your health
Keep lies on the shelf or you'll be needing the help
In this game we're all the same no matter the state
From WV to Alaska, let me ask ya, we all face hate?
We do and we're the same too, don't claim the game
Just change the game, go give it a better name
Coz it's just lame, hearing the same old bullshit
How you like to pull shit and fuck with your dick
It makes me sick, quick hip hop needs a revival
I'm here for it's survival, follow my recital like the bible

Please comment and criticize. I am truly interested in improving.

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

not a bad first piece at all

rhyming was great and kept my interest
only complaint i really have is that "we all face hate?" doesnt really sounds like a question and sounds kind of weird to me.. did you forget the 'do' ? lol

[Suicide]

Thank you guys so much.

I really do appreciate it. Will work hard to improve.

[JamaicanPattlez]

For a first piece, that's very good. Are you lying? :P Anyway, really nice job on it.

[Mr.DGAF]

Nice first drop, the rhyming and structure was pretty good the whole way through. A few parts felt lacking in the rhyme department, but that's because, I felt, that the piece rhymed pretty well.

Also, can anybody feed my first piece? It would be greatly appreciated. http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123458

[Suicide]

For a first piece, that's very good. Are you lying? :P Anyway, really nice job on it.

I've battled before and try to write the occassional verse every now and then. But, this is my first piece posted here.

[Master Chief]

Even though some of the lines were a bit generic and not very interesting, the rhyming for a beginner was very, very impressive. I applaud you on that. I can see how starting out battling has prepared you for actual songwriting, but I just wanna let you know that they're both quite different. I really liked the last lines, sounds great because of assonance.

This gives me an old-school type feel too. Which is kinda different from most the stuff here. Anyways, keep at it man. As a first piece, it's amazing. I did NOT write like this when I first started that's all I can tell you

I would ask you to feed my piece but I'm a cool dude so I won't do that.

Yes, I know what I just did.

[Matt Holck]

not a bad first piece at all

rhyming was great and kept my interest
only complaint i really have is that "we all face hate?" doesnt really sounds like a question and sounds kind of weird to me.. did you forget the 'do' ? lol

damn perfect cases

[Man1x]

Really good, you could improve on the rhymes though, a little simple

[JamaicanPattlez]

For a first piece, that's very good. Are you lying? :P Anyway, really nice job on it.

I've battled before and try to write the occassional verse every now and then. But, this is my first piece posted here.

Well hey man, keep it up man! Feed me back? viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123753