A Drunk Tale

[JamaicanPattlez]

I've appeared like a clear sheer of wit in your brain,
And I'm near 10 beers and I'm shitting more sayings,
I feel like a Doc with a G-Shock watch,
While he's talking to a mop and a Reebok sock,
What I mean is, I'm not the keenest on making sense,
But my penis is a clean mess, I feel like paying rent,
Another bottled throttled, I think I'm wearing goggles,
And I strut just like a model, but I hobble and I topple,
This fat bitch starts laughing and her friend is cackling,
They make a sandwich, so now my back is cracking,
I got squished by the shits, and now my clothes feel warm,
Now I wish that a bitch would do me like in real porn,
Then all of a sudden, Budden's here talking about hoes,
Bluffing to his muffin about keeping her mouth closed,
He called me a fuckin' mutt, and then I passed out,
I woke up to nothing but grime on a black couch.


This one haha was a random piece that transitioned into a story.
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123726

Comments welcome.

[ArsheyHaq]

Well, this was really all over the place, and I don't quite know what to make of it. The rhymes were good, and sometimes even excellent, but the lines in between them made little to no sense on a lot of the bars. It seems like you gathered a bunch of nice, rhyming words and quickly put something together. I get it, it's a story about being drunk and nothing making sense, but even that has to have some sort of order and direction or the reader will lose interest. Otherwise, good stuff. I like the way you utilize words and the way you rhyme them, but work on story-telling. I'd love to see what your skills can come up with if you just put in more time.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Yeah, I figured as much. I had the exact same thoughts and it was half-way in that it just came into that. No worries here. Thanks!

[Man1x]

Damn the rhymes were outstanding, if only it made sense? haha it's ight though.
Feed?: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123848

[JamaicanPattlez]

Damn the rhymes were outstanding, if only it made sense? haha it's ight though.
Feed?: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123848

Hah already did man! Yeah, seems like that's the major downfall of just letting your fingers type random rhymes then transitioning to something later on. Thanks!

[Wreck]

I've appeared like a clear sheer of wit in your brain,
And I'm near 10 beers and I'm shitting more sayings,
I feel like a Doc with a G-Shock watch,
While he's talking to a mop and a Reebok sock,
What I mean is, I'm not the keenest on making sense,
But my penis is a clean mess, I feel like paying rent,
Another bottled throttled, I think I'm wearing goggles,
And I strut just like a model, but I hobble and I topple,
This fat bitch starts laughing and her friend is cackling,
They make a sandwich, so now my back is cracking,
I got squished by the shits, and now my clothes feel warm,
Now I wish that a bitch would do me like in real porn,
Then all of a sudden, Budden's here talking about hoes,
Bluffing to his muffin about keeping her mouth closed,
He called me a fuckin' mutt, and then I passed out,
I woke up to nothing but grime on a black couch.

This was nice man, it had me laughing too, in a good way. I like how you realized in the OP here that you were just rhyming for the sake of it, and not necessarily to make sense, which is welcome by me every once in awhile because it just focuses on multis which I love.

Anyways, keep posting shit here man . And keep grindin.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thanks man! Yeah, I just started out as "Fuck it, let's rhyme", but then turned into a drunk story and I don't remember why! Haha it was very fun to write, especially the G-Shock and Joe Budden parts lmao.

[Wreck]

Thanks man! Yeah, I just started out as "Fuck it, let's rhyme", but then turned into a drunk story and I don't remember why! Haha it was very fun to write, especially the G-Shock and Joe Budden parts lmao.

You a Budden fan though? Jw.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Thanks man! Yeah, I just started out as "Fuck it, let's rhyme", but then turned into a drunk story and I don't remember why! Haha it was very fun to write, especially the G-Shock and Joe Budden parts lmao.

You a Budden fan though? Jw.

I'm a fan of his Tweets. I haven't checked his solo stuff yet, but I like the verses he has with Slaughterhouse.

[Wreck]

Thanks man! Yeah, I just started out as "Fuck it, let's rhyme", but then turned into a drunk story and I don't remember why! Haha it was very fun to write, especially the G-Shock and Joe Budden parts lmao.

You a Budden fan though? Jw.

I'm a fan of his Tweets. I haven't checked his solo stuff yet, but I like the verses he has with Slaughterhouse.

Yeah Slaughterhouse is awesome.

Listen to these songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpaAugvpsPg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36IDQz1_Wx4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbENVZKE5hk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9Y6wP_1NWk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJPpx8vHoII

[Suicide]

Good rhymes, but I couldn't follow the story. I don't get how it goes from penis is a clean mess to paying rent? Talking to a mop and a reebok sock? I guess it was intentional to try not to make much sense since he's drunk.

But, it seems like your throwing in rhymes for the hell of it.

But, it had good rhyming and flow.

[Matt Holck]

I've appeared / like a clear sheer / of wit in your brain,
And I'm near / 10 beers / and I'm shitting more sayings,
I feel like a Doc / with a G-Shock / watch,
While he's talking / to a mop / and a Reebok sock,
What I mean is, / I'm not the keenest / on making sense,
But my penis / is a clean mess, / I feel like paying rent, (3 phase lines)

Another bottled throttled, / I think I'm wearing goggles, (2 phrase lines)
And I strut just like a model, / but I hobble and I topple,
fat bitch starts laughing / and her friend is cackling,
They make a sandwich, / so now my back is cracking,
I got squished by shits, / and now my clothes feel warm,
Now I wish that a bitch / would do me like in real porn,
Then all of a sudden, / Budden's here talking about hoes,
Bluffing to his muffin / about keeping her mouth closed,
He called me a fuckin' mutt, / and then I passed out,
I woke up to nothing / but grime on a black couch.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Good rhymes, but I couldn't follow the story. I don't get how it goes from penis is a clean mess to paying rent? Talking to a mop and a reebok sock? I guess it was intentional to try not to make much sense since he's drunk.

But, it seems like your throwing in rhymes for the hell of it.

But, it had good rhyming and flow.

Yeah, that basically was what I was shooting for, lmao. Thanks!

@Wreck: Dope! Especially the first one with the Escaflowne beat. Thanks man, I'm checking out his stuff.

@Matt: Haha yep. Any feedback bro?

[Wreck]

Good rhymes, but I couldn't follow the story. I don't get how it goes from penis is a clean mess to paying rent? Talking to a mop and a reebok sock? I guess it was intentional to try not to make much sense since he's drunk.

But, it seems like your throwing in rhymes for the hell of it.

But, it had good rhyming and flow.

Yeah, that basically was what I was shooting for, lmao. Thanks!

@Wreck: Dope! Especially the first one with the Escaflowne beat. Thanks man, I'm checking out his stuff.

@Matt: Haha yep. Any feedback bro?

Awesome, glad you liked it bro. Dumbout is a unbelievable song, especially for a mixtape. I not only like him because he can flow & because he's lyrical, but because of the fact that he puts real emotion & devotion into his songs, and touches on real life problems in everyday life.

[JamaicanPattlez]

Good rhymes, but I couldn't follow the story. I don't get how it goes from penis is a clean mess to paying rent? Talking to a mop and a reebok sock? I guess it was intentional to try not to make much sense since he's drunk.

But, it seems like your throwing in rhymes for the hell of it.

But, it had good rhyming and flow.

Yeah, that basically was what I was shooting for, lmao. Thanks!

@Wreck: Dope! Especially the first one with the Escaflowne beat. Thanks man, I'm checking out his stuff.

@Matt: Haha yep. Any feedback bro?

Awesome, glad you liked it bro. Dumbout is a unbelievable song, especially for a mixtape. I not only like him because he can flow & because he's lyrical, but because of the fact that he puts real emotion & devotion into his songs, and touches on real life problems in everyday life.

Yeah, really liked it! I think I'm gonna get his Mood Muzik stuff for sure.