My World

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

just a short little piece i did. criticism is welcomed.

fuck love at first sight, this is love at first listen
you've been struck by what i write and imprisoned by what I've written
cause even the mightiest and brave, cant fight
being seduced by my thoughts, sucked in and lost, cause enslaving your ears
was the cost and my mission
you'll be bitchen at your mom, after she explodes like a bomb
flips and furiously groans and rips off your ear phones
cause she just fuckin lectured you, cussin the whole time too!
but your mind was filled with mine so you had no clue
but you knew what she said cause you've heard this dreadful speech before
about how your, very snobby and need a hobby
cause your always sitting around the house with your fingers on the mouse blasting penguin zombie!


viewtopic.php?f=24&t=123705&p=1736718#p1736718

[ArsheyHaq]

Lol nice finisher. The first two lines were crazy good seemed like it all rhymed. But after that your structure kind of fell apart and I couldn't tell anymore what rhymed with what. Maybe highlight your rhymes? Good short piece though for what it was. I'd love to see you edit it and maybe even elaborate further. Peace

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

Lol nice finisher. The first two lines were crazy good seemed like it all rhymed. But after that your structure kind of fell apart and I couldn't tell anymore what rhymed with what. Maybe highlight your rhymes? Good short piece though for what it was. I'd love to see you edit it and maybe even elaborate further. Peace

thanks for feeding
i edited it, if you still cant find the flow i'll high light it. but i think it should be good now.
tell me what you think please


if anyone else could feed this it would be greatly appreciated.. i'll even feed your piece in return

[Wreck]

I liked this, but you need some improvement, just try to make sure the lines always rhyme (99.9% of the time at least), and that it makes sense, unless you're just rhyming off the top of your head for lyricism purposes like JamaicanPattlez.

Could be better, I liked it, but just keep writing and you'll gradually get better man.

[ArsheyHaq]

Lol nice finisher. The first two lines were crazy good seemed like it all rhymed. But after that your structure kind of fell apart and I couldn't tell anymore what rhymed with what. Maybe highlight your rhymes? Good short piece though for what it was. I'd love to see you edit it and maybe even elaborate further. Peace

thanks for feeding
i edited it, if you still cant find the flow i'll high light it. but i think it should be good now.
tell me what you think please


if anyone else could feed this it would be greatly appreciated.. i'll even feed your piece in return

Yeah, that's a little better. Some lines were still off, but I guess that's the best that can be done considering your rhyme scheme. I found all the things that were supposed to rhyme though