Link of feed - viewtopic.php?f=24&t=124314&p=1744944
[Verse 1]
OK
Hello baby, Zabe's over here
I'm gonna tell a story, go pull up a chair
I was in a club with a bit of Smirnoff beer
I saw 50 Cent, no really, I swear!
I waited and waited until the coast was clear
I wanted to ask him about his dwindling career
His bodyguard came over and grabbed the lobe of my ear
Asking me "yo, punk, why the fuck yo here?"
I saw Mr. Jackson reach for his big gun
I soaked him with some rum and started to run
He started shooting - "You dead now, son!"
He called Arnold up, and said "hey, what's going on?
I need a chopper quick, with some machine guns
An RPG, and some stuff that weighs a ton"
And I was a dead man from that day on
Fuck it, I'll just write the next bit of the song
Come on!
[Chorus x2]
This is my most hated song
When it comes on I get beat up and thrown on the john
And when I leave here tonight and I fall asleep
and wake up!
Hopefully I got some teeth
[Verse 2]
Hello everybody, it's Dr. Dre
He's in the gun store buying an AK
And I was there too, looking fun the same way
He turned round and said "you can say what you say
This isn't what it looks like, I ain't want no bullet spray
Curtis just needs another gunbay
I'm building one across the street of that way
Hang on, you look like the guy, Zabe!"
He reached for a pistol, and I split like a banana
Used it to slip him up before he forgot about his mannas
He wasn't gonna shoot me until he saw my copy
of Hanna Montana, what? ...She's a hoe
All girls are, wait, he wanted to watch so
I threw the tape at him and said "she's really really dope"
And he said "um, I called some guys and they got fofos"
I finally caught a break, although it was actually in my bones
Aw shit!
[Chorus x2]
This is my most hated song
When it comes on I get beat up and thrown on the john
And when I leave here tonight and I fall asleep
and wake up!
Hopefully I got some teeth
[Verse 3]
Here we go, with the final chapter
50's following me and Dre owes me tapes after
My story so far's been a disaster
Until I met Slim, the Marshall Mathers master
Baiter or baited? He was in hot water
Jimmy wants an album just like the fourth Carter
I said "let him crack corn, he's got a major disorder
If he wants your album to go out and get slaughtered"
He said "you're right, man, look, imma tell you what I'll do
Imma call Curtis and tell him to stop comin after you"
Dre was behind him and said "here's your tapes back"
And Jay-Z turned up and gave me a big ball of crack
Curtis still killed me, no burial, just a sack
He killed me like he killed Game before he went Lax
Let me tell you, just one little fact
This was all a dream, we're actually at east PAX
[Chorus x2]
This is my favourite song
Because I was dreaming the entire time it was on
And when the story finally ends and I wake from sleep
And get up!
Hopefully I don't have beef
[Outro]
I'm just fuckin with y'all
It's all true
Yeah, I'm rapping from beyond the sack!
Yeah, I'll tell Elvis you said hi
No, Richard Nixon isn't here
You won't believe this, God actually IS Morgan Freeman!
Haha
Yeah, I'm dead.
Mine was much worse, haha (imo), and, look, i've improved a shit load so I have no doubt you can too. First thing I'd suggest is making your rhymes multi-syllable, so instead of rhyming bread with head, rhyme sleepy head with keep my bread (for example). Second, which IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF RAP, your flow. Without a good flow you'll lose the listener, so just have more internal rhymes and not put them off. Make it so it rolls of your tongue. Third, the structure needs some work, just make the lines similar in length, not to say in centermeters type shit but equal syllables. so if one line has 4 syllables, the whole piece gets for, unless the music changes beat or you do something to change it up like Twista does. Last, subject matter can be better, this wasn't bad. It just seems it was drived by the rhyme more than what the story needed. It was also a little, bland to say. Again, good for a first piece. I can tell its a reflect of obie's song Got Teeth by the title (not subject) and that you listen to Obie. Now for what I liked, i liked the in da club/50 cent line, dre/ak relation, and the jimmy crack corn line. I like how you can draw song titles or content and put into a statement, good job but could become deeper. Overall, good first piece, just suggestions you don't have to take a single one, wont be hurt cause I just want to help. You can easily get better, just listen to song and read lyrics at the same thing, just examine every word they say, read poetry, read a dictionary, and whatever helps. I hope I didn't come off in any bad way cause I mean this with all kindness, continue the grind homie and I'll feed on all your shit if you remind me. Peace 
