Rejection

[Man1x]

Feed: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=124530

REJECTION

[Intro]

<Child Laughter>

{Children Speaking as Group}

No one likes you, you’re a loser. Go sit in a cornor where you belong…

{Teenagers}

Leave us alone faggot, we tryin’ to enjoy our selves and your getting in the way of that…
Ass hole…

{Father}

Why couldn’t you be more like your brother. I can’t stand to see your face…
A failure, a disgrace. Should have got an abortion, you’re a mistake…
Kill yourself…
You little mother fucker…..

<Crying> <Sniffiling>

{Me}

Now ya know…….


[Verse 1]

It’s simple, everyone living in this world wants to be loved and recognized/
In our corrupt, bland, wrecked, dumb lives, even my smart yet bothered mind/
Crying, lying here, why do they grab and love the bad men drunk driving/
And hate a guy so peaceful minded? I guess they’re blinded by ignorance/
I was feeling ditched, poor, and sad, at times mad that pricks hurt, damn/
Was tricked to pick cursed paths, tripped, fell flat, and licked whore shat/
I would always know where the floor at, with my strife at an alarming high/
I’m running out of time, only getting by with my deceptive, calm, free mind/
I convinced myself I was a charming guy that was quite eceptionaly kind/
So I might go back to the grind to try to fight my quiet, defective, folly life/
By erecting all my might, so why would I shy away and die, I will continue/
You spit songs of feud, the strong ensue, when snide girls prong with you/
My bond with you – finished – your hate will throng my fuel, untold devotion/
Will cock my gun… the reload stopped – Be strong! – with stone cold emotion/
I reclothed laws of humanity in my mind, despite strength I am an abomination/
Why? Simply cause I am thought crazy playing with my Dre drums in a station?/
Now…….

[Chorus]

What am I supposed to do?/
When all I had was you?/
Now am lost and all alone/
Just wanna find my way home/
What am I supposed to do?/
When all I had was you?/
Now am lost and all alone/
Just wanna find my way home/

[Outro]

<Screams>

{Me}

Didn’t think I’d remember! Well you muthafucka gonna get yours!

<Gun Shots>

{Me}

Your next daddy haha, love you and goodnight.

<Gun Shot>


Was going to do 3, 16 bar verses and an alternate hook at the end but I got to lazy, so what you have is 8 bars, a chours, intro, and outro. Oh and uh, the second verse would have been about more self pity with the third verse having me grow up, still a little self pity, and coming to the conclusion of solving my problems with my trusty little revolver (That was if I took time to write it) Feedback would be appreciated and I think this is my best piece rhyme and flow wise since I started here.


And if you want to see how far I've come, first piece: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=115500&p=1651964#p1651964

[SG.]

Loved it. To be honest, I see no problems with this at all.

EDIT: Well, actually, maybe you should have just got rid of the intro. It's not really needed.

[Man1x]

Thanks for the input, the intro was there because I thought it would be a nice opening, I had like a depressing beat I had created in my mind and was just thinking, I could make a fucking dope intro with echos and shit. It's not as lustrous on paper as it was in my mind but yea.

[Man1x]

Bump

[J.R.]

Whoa, fucking dope for someone relatively new. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you? )

Goddamn.

[Man1x]

Yea, I'm pretty new. I feel that I have progressed fast though

[Man1x]

Nah, I wasn't bullied haha. It's more of an alter ego persona in the works of being built. Only got one question: How should I progress from here?

[WakeUpShow]

Please don't follow through with this irl.

[WakeUpShow]

I think you try to stuff too many words into your lines.

In our corrupt, bland, wrecked, dumb lives, even my smart yet bothered mind/

That's just one of a few in there. When all the lines are that long, by the time you get to the end rhyme you've forgotten the rhyme scheme. n'amean? It definitely hinders the flow. I would say cut your bars down to like 60-75% of your current lines.

You should really work on your multies too. You have alot of rhyme but most are one syllable.
For example "defective, folly life/exceptionally kind" is kind of a stretch. If it doesn't sound 100% natural in your head, it probably won't sound natural to the reader. Try something like "defective life/expect some strife/protect the rights/ the next to fight/respect the knife" see they sound natural and will make your flow even better.

I see you do something, alot of other new writers on here do- try to fit many small phrases into a line.

Will cock my gun… the reload stopped – Be strong! – with stone cold emotion/

You did that alot. Keep each bar to one coherent thought or phrase, and the reader will see it as smooth and not choppy. Plus it keeps the reader concentrated on the main thought of the story, not the sub-plot within each line.

You have potential keep writing

P.S. You're very good at portraying emotion. I could really feel it.

[Ka0t1c]

you have some lines that don't flow well together to make sense, kinda sporatic at times, writing to much per line on them to make em rhyme better

overall, you got a good piece but it could be polished off to fit properly

[BigBoss]

dope!! but as mentioned before you could do ithout the intro,



give me feeed back??

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=124590

[Blu]

Wow dude. Pretty good stuff man. The emotion was pouring out of this bitch aha.

The intro was alright.. honestly I think it'd be good without the "father" part I mean that shit was harsh haha.

"A failure, a disgrace. Should have got an abortion, you’re a mistake…
Kill yourself…
You little mother fucker….."

Damn, fucked up ass dad.
The outro was pretty creepy too. I can imagine hearing that shit in audio and just being creeped the fuck out ahah but it's still good.

It was good mayne. 4 dead whores out of 5.

Feed me, son.

[Man1x]

Wow dude. Pretty good stuff man. The emotion was pouring out of this bitch aha.

The intro was alright.. honestly I think it'd be good without the "father" part I mean that shit was harsh haha.

"A failure, a disgrace. Should have got an abortion, you’re a mistake…
Kill yourself…
You little mother fucker….."

Damn, fucked up ass dad.
The outro was pretty creepy too. I can imagine hearing that shit in audio and just being creeped the fuck out ahah but it's still good.

It was good mayne. 4 dead whores out of 5.

Feed me, son.

Yea, but the shock value is what makes it haha, the intro sounded so good in my mind that I just had to do it. My last three pieces have been inspired from Relapse I think, been bumping it a lot lately. Oh, and none of its real. Building an alter ego's story is what its coming to, my father is actually really nice. A good piece for me to write about is how I impersonated my principal on Facebook and all the trouble I got with that haha, but idk. I might do that one some day.

Please don't follow through with this irl.

Haha, will do.

I think you try to stuff too many words into your lines.

In our corrupt, bland, wrecked, dumb lives, even my smart yet bothered mind/

That's just one of a few in there. When all the lines are that long, by the time you get to the end rhyme you've forgotten the rhyme scheme. n'amean? It definitely hinders the flow. I would say cut your bars down to like 60-75% of your current lines.

You should really work on your multies too. You have alot of rhyme but most are one syllable.
For example "defective, folly life/exceptionally kind" is kind of a stretch. If it doesn't sound 100% natural in your head, it probably won't sound natural to the reader. Try something like "defective life/expect some strife/protect the rights/ the next to fight/respect the knife" see they sound natural and will make your flow even better.

I see you do something, alot of other new writers on here do- try to fit many small phrases into a line.

Will cock my gun… the reload stopped – Be strong! – with stone cold emotion/

You did that alot. Keep each bar to one coherent thought or phrase, and the reader will see it as smooth and not choppy. Plus it keeps the reader concentrated on the main thought of the story, not the sub-plot within each line.

You have potential keep writing

P.S. You're very good at portraying emotion. I could really feel it.

Thanks, I will cut down on the lines. Someone told me to make them longer so I did, I guess I over did it, I'll find a balance. And thanks for the compliments, means a lot.

you have some lines that don't flow well together to make sense, kinda sporatic at times, writing to much per line on them to make em rhyme better

overall, you got a good piece but it could be polished off to fit properly

Alright, I'll work on it.

Nah, I wasn't bullied haha. It's more of an alter ego persona in the works of being built. Only got one question: How should I progress from here?

Like Cosh said, shortening your lines might help. And don't "get lazy". Put out a product you like and nothing less than that.

Gotcha, next one going be a big improvement, that is once I start writing it haha

[WakeUpShow]

ok, remember if u have to choose, shorter lines are almost always gonna be the better choice.

[Man1x]

Alright, thanks Cosh