Track 14- Hold up a candle.

[J.R.]

Feed- posting.php?mode=reply&f=24&t=125178
To clear up a few lines: Clarence is my last girlfriends ex, needed a name.





(Intro)
Yeah, No...I can't..
I can't even look at you anymore...
You...Aren't what I've foreseen,
A demon...Too horrific to believe..
Goodbye...Enjoy your life,
I'm done...Destroying mine.
*Smash*

(Verse 1)
Fuck It, I Smash my mirror, I can't seem to face my past
The demon's Laugh is clearer,Running away, Racing Snatch,
He's caught me, How did I get here? Let's Trace it back,
Before he could taunt me, Got a guess? Try and Take a crack,
I was young and naive, Thought the world was my playground,
Dumb as could be, Sought the girl, I thought life was a game now,
Here come the clouds, watch it Rain down,
Not a sound, It was such a Shame how,
I wanted to Rise up, From my Parent's expectations,
If one Dies? Tough, Was making Declarant estimations,
And at my Wedding , Apparent Guests was hating,
and Betting it was Clarence, I Was staring and gazing,
Until her Ex declared invasion,
They had sex, Right in my basement..


(Chorus)
Can't seem to face my past, so I travel back,
With my breathing fast, I seem to have a knack,
To crack, and destroy what I can't handle,
Miss it when the memorial comes, hold up a candle.

[Man1x]

A solid piece except at this part I lost the flow:

I was young and naive, Thought the world was my playground,
Dumb as could be, Sought the girl, I thought life was a game now,


I think it was just to long and the sought the girl part made me lose track of the rhyme

[SG.]

Great. I didn't really like the structure change in the middle though.

[Wreck]

This was hella dope, and I loved the concept of it, and the flow was good too. I liked the emotion in it. Overall, great piece, post the track when you're done bro . Good job...

[J.R.]

Bump

[Mr.DGAF]

Nice stuff. I really liked this, it's one of my favorite of yours, the rhyming is good, the structure is good, the concept is good. I've read your previous works, from when you started the EP to now, and it's gotten a lot better. Your writing as a whole has improved a lot. My only complaint for this peice has been quoted already, but I'll do it again.

I was young and naive, Thought the world was my playground,
Dumb as could be, Sought the girl, I thought life was a game now,

It's good until "Sought the girl". Or maybe just after that, because I like the internal rhyme of "Thought the world" with "Sought the girl", and the "Naive" and "Could be" rhyme. But the last half of the last line seems too long.

[J.R.]

I can has bump.