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Heaven sent?

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Heaven sent?

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 13th, '11, 19:31

Okay guys, here's a nwe piece. Would like some feed on whether or not I'm improving substance wise, as well as rhyming/flow.

I work hard in this life
Guys murk lords with this knife
So if your mind isn't right
Know it, you're dying tonight
Showin you time after time
Goin through rhyme after rhyme
So then after this last crime, I think it's time to stop
Cuz blind or not, I'm showing you my private spot
Locked inside your block, never will find my yacht
Cruising your human lakes, I'm at the gates with god
And just in case you forgot,Tell it oddly enough
I'm godly and stuff, And plus hell is hot and its rough
So I've gotta be tough, because if I end up snuffed
Defend your stuff, Cuz I'll come quick in a rush
I think I'm fixing to bust, On my way up right now
But stuck somehow, I think I'll fucking come back down


Feed: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=125558
Last edited by Mr.DGAF on Sep 13th, '11, 21:26, edited 1 time in total.
You'd be surprised...
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Re: Heaven sent?

Postby Sam. » Sep 13th, '11, 19:37

1.Works on the length of the bars .
2.Maintain a proper Rhyme Scheme .

The flow on this was a little Difficult as far as i am concerned .This seems more of a freestyle so I can't figure out what to say about the content ?.
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Re: Heaven sent?

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 13th, '11, 19:40

Alright, thanks :y: .

The way I wrote it out on paper looked different than this, the bars were longer so there weren't as many. But it seemed better when I did it that way, so I stuck with shorter bars rather than longer ones.

As for the rhyme scheme, I tried something new this time, I felt like I was keeping them too simple and generic. So I tried to throw a lot of rhymes out there, but I guess it didn't work. Oh well.

Thanks for the feed though.
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Re: Heaven sent?

Postby Sam. » Sep 13th, '11, 19:46

Read and Study poetry ,that helps a fucking lot .
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Re: Heaven sent?

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 13th, '11, 19:49

Sam. wrote:Read and Study poetry ,that helps a fucking lot .


Definitely will. :y:
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Re: Heaven sent?

Postby Man1x » Sep 13th, '11, 22:50

What Sam. said, plus I'm glad your getting out of your comfort zone. It's alright bro in time you'll improve, I still am, everyone is.
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Re: Heaven sent?

Postby Mr.DGAF » Sep 13th, '11, 23:17

Eminememy wrote:What Sam. said, plus I'm glad your getting out of your comfort zone. It's alright bro in time you'll improve, I still am, everyone is.



:b: True that. Keep on working and studying and eventually, I'll get it.
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Re: Heaven sent?

Postby Sam. » Sep 14th, '11, 13:21

Poetry will help you fit your thoughts in a small bars i.e better structure ,so go for it .
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Re: Heaven sent?

Postby mdemaz » Sep 14th, '11, 13:30

Yo, I'd love to hear this on wax, but on paper, it looks a bit messy.
But fuck it, nice bars dudes.
Good luck writing more!
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