5AM Verse

[JamaicanPattlez]

Hallucinate? I take the paint and fuckin' sniff it /
I prove to dates I ain't their mates and then I go ballistic /
I'm in it for the fun, I don't need the guns or kill /
I'm wishing that it's done, we're still young, for real /
My metaphors are like whores, only the desperate bother touching it /
So of course you feel remorse when the medicine not your covenant /
Little did you know that I'm notorious for puns /
I figure that I'd flow so victorious for fun/
My rhymes tickle? You eat a dick like it's a pickle /
Sticks the shit in the rim hole, and sits until it whistles /
Yeah you dream at night, that's why I keep on sleeping /
It only seems so right that I can type while I read these things /
Helter Skelter is my subordinate, so of course you're facing torture-ment /
Hell, remember when I told you when I fucked those fuckin' whores you met? /
I fantasized being dope, so far it's fuckin' happened /
You fantasized about being dope, now I'm fuckin' laughin'.

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=142806

[Man1x]

I'll feed some time this week bro

[Mr.DGAF]

Haha, ehh, it's okay dude. I've seen better from you. Sometimes you phrase things weirdly just for the rhymes, and it kind of brings the piece down. I mean, you're quite a good writer, so now we're really nitpicking to help you improve. But things like "guns or kill" don't really make sense grammatically, you know? Other than that, it's pretty dope. The flow is on point from what I got.

[VenomBlackViper]

This was fucking horrible, it sounded like you were trying to bite Eminem's new try hard, psuedo-asshole style, including the insertion of "fuckin" in almost every line and somehow did it even worse than he does. Literally none of this shit made the slightest bit of coherent sense, I could quote the whole verse, but here's just a few examples:

"I prove to dates I ain't their mates"

So your big idea of being an asshole to a woman is going on a date with them just to prove you're "not their mate"? Wow dude, you're such a badass, da bitchez betta watch out yo.

"I don't need the guns or kill"

Kill is not a noun, how do you not need kill?

"I'm wishing that it's done, we're still young, for real"

You're wishing that WHAT is done? You didn't describe anything in the above lines that needs to be completed. And what the fuck does being young have to do with any of this?

"My metaphors are like whores, only the desperate bother touching it"

So only the desperate bother touching your metaphors? Mind you a synonym for touch is feeling, so in other words only the desperate are ever feeling the wack shit that you wrote? Seems about right. Terrible metaphor, yet so spot on.

"So of course you feel remorse when the medicine not your covenant"

Do you have any fucking idea what the word covenant even means? It's like you just stuck it in there to rhyme with the above bar. You're saying someone feels sorry when the medicine is not a formal agreement of theirs. Again, this makes ZERO coherent sense.

"My rhymes tickle? You eat a dick like it's a pickle"

When has ANYONE insulted you by saying your rhymes tickle? Unless you mean that they're so side splittingly bad that the minute someone reads them they burst out into laughter as if they were being tickled, in which case you're an abstract metaphorical genius on the level of Slug. And I like how your response to this nonsensical insult that's never happened is "eat a dick like a pickle!", as if you're challenging their nonsensical insult with one of your own.

"Sticks the shit in the rim hole, and sits until it whistles "

Terrible, terrible attempt at trying to be shocking and disgusting. Although I guess in a way you achieved your purpose because I literally cringed at how terrible this piece was while reading it.

"It only seems so right that I can type while I read these things"

Is that your excuse for none of this garbage making any sense? That you were reading something else while typing it? And for the record, this line made no sense either, read WHAT things? How is this in any way something to brag about?

"Helter Skelter is my subordinate, so of course you're facing torture-ment "

Helter Skelter is not a fucking person, it's the name of a book/song/movie, thus it cannot be your subordinate. Torture-ment is not even a word, and how does having an artistic work as your subordinate in turn bring about facing "torture-ment" ?

That's it, i'm done, this fucking sucked. On top of the incoherent lines and nonexistent flow you had very basic rhyming. Would you honestly listen to this terrible, text-based trash heap you call a verse if Eminem or another rapper you like wrote it?

[Blu]

FINALLY! Someone gives honest feedback and doesn't completely kiss the writer's ass.

Thank you VBV.

[Words]

Ehhh I have to agree with VBV here, this really didn't make much sense. I tried to attach meanings to you lines, but nothing really fit. It didn't make much sense to me, you can do much much better. Even your other early morning/late night verses made more sense than this did. This really wasn't very good. Sorry man, hope to see you next drop turn out a little better than this did.

[JamaicanPattlez]

This was fucking horrible, it sounded like you were trying to bite Eminem's new try hard, psuedo-asshole style, including the insertion of "fuckin" in almost every line and somehow did it even worse than he does. Literally none of this shit made the slightest bit of coherent sense, I could quote the whole verse, but here's just a few examples:

"I prove to dates I ain't their mates"

So your big idea of being an asshole to a woman is going on a date with them just to prove you're "not their mate"? Wow dude, you're such a badass, da bitchez betta watch out yo.

"I don't need the guns or kill"

Kill is not a noun, how do you not need kill?

"I'm wishing that it's done, we're still young, for real"

You're wishing that WHAT is done? You didn't describe anything in the above lines that needs to be completed. And what the fuck does being young have to do with any of this?

"My metaphors are like whores, only the desperate bother touching it"

So only the desperate bother touching your metaphors? Mind you a synonym for touch is feeling, so in other words only the desperate are ever feeling the wack shit that you wrote? Seems about right. Terrible metaphor, yet so spot on.

"So of course you feel remorse when the medicine not your covenant"

Do you have any fucking idea what the word covenant even means? It's like you just stuck it in there to rhyme with the above bar. You're saying someone feels sorry when the medicine is not a formal agreement of theirs. Again, this makes ZERO coherent sense.

"My rhymes tickle? You eat a dick like it's a pickle"

When has ANYONE insulted you by saying your rhymes tickle? Unless you mean that they're so side splittingly bad that the minute someone reads them they burst out into laughter as if they were being tickled, in which case you're an abstract metaphorical genius on the level of Slug. And I like how your response to this nonsensical insult that's never happened is "eat a dick like a pickle!", as if you're challenging their nonsensical insult with one of your own.

"Sticks the shit in the rim hole, and sits until it whistles "

Terrible, terrible attempt at trying to be shocking and disgusting. Although I guess in a way you achieved your purpose because I literally cringed at how terrible this piece was while reading it.

"It only seems so right that I can type while I read these things"

Is that your excuse for none of this garbage making any sense? That you were reading something else while typing it? And for the record, this line made no sense either, read WHAT things? How is this in any way something to brag about?

"Helter Skelter is my subordinate, so of course you're facing torture-ment "

Helter Skelter is not a fucking person, it's the name of a book/song/movie, thus it cannot be your subordinate. Torture-ment is not even a word, and how does having an artistic work as your subordinate in turn bring about facing "torture-ment" ?

That's it, i'm done, this fucking sucked. On top of the incoherent lines and nonexistent flow you had very basic rhyming. Would you honestly listen to this terrible, text-based trash heap you call a verse if Eminem or another rapper you like wrote it?

You've got a point. Thanks for the honesty. I'm not mad at all, you at least showed me WHY it was horrible.