Taking A Walk [Storytelling]

[Slim Fiasco]

Beat - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArOGcOuqSBg [Jay-Z - Dear Summer]

Link Of Feedback - viewtopic.php?f=24&t=142845

This is pretty much the second time I write on English, and I probably won't be writing too often. Not sure if this flows well (with this particular beat), didn't even try it but it's more that I want you to read it while the beat plays. Hope you like it, and I hope that it didn't turn out bad:

It’s a cloudy afternoon, I’m about to take a walk
Got my red jacket on, some blue jeans and a thought
Locked my phone, and put it in the pocket
Hoping no one calls, ‘cause I don’t wanna get upset
Closed the door, rolled the keys, entered the elevator
Along with some neighbor, waiting for the “see you later”
I’m leaving the building, outside is lovely September
Having this bittersweet feeling, as I start to remember
Not so long ago we were living these hood stories
Playing some ball, learning to fall, our youth saw glory
Never found anything boring, couldn’t wait for the morning
Didn’t have a PC, but my friends never got to miss me
Lovely girls gave us kisses, smiley faces, and this is -
What it was all about: having fun, staying out, and people being loud
See back then we used to respect the elder ones,
Buying them food, trying to do good, otherwise they would make us run
They still had our backs though, teaching us a lesson
Every now and then this playground underwent a study session
But now I’m passing by its emptiness,
Started my walk - noticing a missing happiness…
Further down the road here comes my middle school
I’m seeing some parents waiting for their little fools
The situation isn’t changed, once the schedule is arranged
Teachers start looking you strange, expecting you to learn
But everybody knows that’s not a welcomed concern
All you care is scoring the most goals, kissing a girl
Or getting a hold of the best looking sneakers,
Some fresh Nike's, for the ladies the logo had to flicker
I recall every yearbook picture, every album sticker
My old bike and the first time I tried some liquor
It tasted bad - made me spit it out, something like a lyric
That I’m feeling good about, and there goes a portion of my past
As soon as the bell rings, it’s the end of a class
I want it to last more, but I gotta go on
Now I’m approaching my high school
Same story but on another level of cool
On the left, there is this restaurant that makes the sweetest lasagna
While we were eating, others were puffing some marijuana
The first day of class is so vivid in my mind,
I wish I could relive it, just for those chills in the spine
I met some very good folks here, who taught me many things
Back when everybody stuck to their dreams, we were believers
Eager to see what tomorrow will deliver, now we only deceive us..
Or so it seems but F it, let me get back to my sweet sixteen
There wasn’t any limo or money, just a beauty queen
That found me funny, it was great times, makes me kinda sad
But these are great lines…
Now onto the next step, I’m on a different street
Memories keep pursue me as I’m moving my feet
My favorite movie - saw it in that cinema over there
Shit feels like yesterday I swear,
It was when the king returned
Everybody clapping, happy that the ring got burned
I’m still young but this road makes me feel old
I guess it’s just a story that had to be told

[Man1x]

You had nice rhyming in a lot of places but at some points i lost the flow. You could improve this by using more mutis in certain places such as: Locked my phone, and put it in the pocket
Hoping no one calls, ‘cause I don’t wanna get upset


Good try for not having English as a primary language.

Feed me in return? http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=142962

[Slim Fiasco]

You had nice rhyming in a lot of places but at some points i lost the flow. You could improve this by using more mutis in certain places such as: Locked my phone, and put it in the pocket
Hoping no one calls, ‘cause I don’t wanna get upset


Good try for not having English as a primary language.

Feed me in return? http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=142962

Thanks man, glad you checked it out! And sure, I'll leave some right away.

[Ka0t1c]

good morals i respect, just some rhymes took longer to stretch out or sound "cool"

pretty good, keep it up man

[Slim Fiasco]

Sorry I'm late bruh

that was definitely good cause you don't use English a lot, but like Man1x said the reader can lose the flow in some points because of the lack of internals, put some of those here and there, maybe it requires a little structure adjustment too. I heard you rap in Macedonian and you mastered that flow even though I didn't understand the meaning behind it, so it's probably just language problems. you had really interesting content though, normally i can't be fucked to read a piece that long but you made me going, making emotions visible in rap written by a language that isn't your first and you don't write on it, thats sick. great shit man.

No problem man, and somehow I missed this when you posted it so excuse me for the late reply

Anyway, thanks for checking that long piece out, I myself am usually turned off when I see a wall of words, lol. I definitely agree with the flaws you pointed out, and I'll try to improve on my next writing.
Thanks for liking my "native" flow too, haha, even though that was some older ish; and I'm very glad that you found the content amusing. I know that you're the type that prefers personality over 3 thousand rhymes, so RA The Rugged Man can go fuck himself. Just kidding, but thanks again, and I'll let you know when there's something new.

[Slim Fiasco]

good morals i respect, just some rhymes took longer to stretch out or sound "cool"

pretty good, keep it up man

Haha, I know what you mean man, and I agree. Thanks for the feedback!