Zombie Verse

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Hey guys, Just finished this zombie verse! I Started on the second verse but figured I'd post here to see if its even worth pursuing!!

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=144968

Verse-
Shit these undead must be satan sent
These crazy men running at me with their faces ripped
I take a hit and wait a bit I cant repent
So I bait em in there all on me like a rape attempt
My dame was bit so anger kicked
I flanked them pricks and began splitting heads
of the living dead they were ripped to shreds
Heads blown off them bitches bled
Popped a clinic med
No time to bawl and weep just elminate
these crawling creeps and diminish fate
Theyre all deceased not a sleep in a grave
I brawled and beat them on the street
then saw a flock of em
Its an apocolypse so I dropped a kid
His mom and sis, ten more coming swift
got bombed to bits thats all of em
I stopped the blitz
Now I'm just

Hook-
Alone in a destructed city
The numbness hit me
left nothing in me
wondering wishing
this must be the ending

[Mr.DGAF]

This is actually pretty nice dude. The first two or three bars really paint a nice picture. The one bit of advice I've got is to not force the multies. You've got them down, it's just about perfecting their placement now. The verse is full of multies, but sometimes I feel like the idea for the rhyme came before you knew what was happening next, ya'know? Its just kinda like multie overload, which made it feel like you were running out of stuff to say for the rhymes.

However, its a definite improvement, and it's cool to see you pick a topic. The hook is cool till the last two lines, and then it kinda fell into forcing the rhymes again. But stick to it young homie, you're improving.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Thanks for the feed dude, I know exactly what you mean, alot of lines in there were definitely forced a little bit. Some other pieces I am working on I already have the beginning written down and the ending thought out, so that should fix some of the forcing hopefully!
Any way thanks for the feed man, means a lot!

[Mr.DGAF]

Basically everything Mr.DGAF said. I feel like this is a really cool concept, not many others do this. It sorta reminds me of Zombieland, the movie.

DGAF, you should read his verse to Passin' Me By, I'll pm it to you, it's a good verse.

Aight dude, pm it to me. I'll probably start that verse sometime after Thursday, kinda swamped right now haha.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Thanks for the feed TRex! Yeah i wanted it to be kind of unique, maybe Ill work on the subject still and try and make it better!! I have a few more topicals I'm working on, Going to try to get those out pretty soon!

[Ticalrecords]

idk man i liked the rhyme structure you use i think it would sound really sick when you say it. only thing i can comment is the comment is a lil violent, idk you but its a stretch on the believability.. but it was still cool . good stuff


mind seeing this song im about to make?

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=145109

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

@ticalrecords thanks for the feed man, I know its not really believeable lol I was just going for sort of a fantasy verse I guess dont really know how to explain! but yeah man I will feed yours ASAP,

and haahhaha yeah TRex is a bit more on the violent side than me hahahha